"Old friends yet who have not met."

If you've been following my blog, you know I had a near death experience (NDE) and it rocked my world. This blog's all about the crazy stuff that has happened since then. I recently attended the Annual Afterlife Awareness Conference, held right here in Saint Louis. I was asked to write a guest blog-post on my experience as a first-timer at this conference. I'm anxious for that to be published but in the meantime, I have to share one crazy story that happened along the way.

So, here ya' go!

I became a certified life coach in December last year. My purpose is to help people navigate some of the crap I've been through, with less pain and suffering. Early this year, I was asked to give a public presentation of "my story;" the good, the bad, the ugly and the stuff some people just won't believe. I agreed to the engagement and scheduled my first presentation of Mystical Experiences of a Former Skeptic for May 14th.

Less than a week after booking my presentation, I realized the Annual Afterlife Awareness Conference would be held in St. Louis the same weekend as my presentation. I was disappointed to think I would be completely overshadowed by this nationally recognized organization yet it seemed like a great opportunity for me to attend since it would be in my own back yard. I checked into buying a ticket but it was more than I was willing to pay since I'd miss a large portion of the events due to my own presentation. I figured it just wasn't meant to be.

On Monday, May 9th, while waiting in child’s pose for my hot yoga class to begin, I heard, in my mind, “Old friends yet who have not met.”  I wondered what this meant and promptly forgot about it. I went on about my week, anxiously scurrying and preparing for my presentation.

On May 11th, incredibly, I was notified that I WON a ticket to the conference! NO. WAY. OMG!!! Really??? I did a little happy dance in the salon where I was getting a pedicure and thought…...I guess I am SUPPOSED to be there!  I gave the technician a HUGE tip and suddenly panicked with the realization that my schedule had just changed drastically and I would have to put myself into hyper-drive to complete preparations for my own presentation.  I am a methodical introvert and this provided some challenges.  Not only did I need to release the need to control every minute detail with my presentation, but I had willingly chosen to eliminate the possibility of any “alone time” for the next several days.  In other words, this was all WAAAAY outside my comfort zone but somehow, but I believed good things were to come!

At the conference luncheon on Friday, a woman named Gina asked to sit next to me. Gina’s from Dutch Harbor, Alaska (You know Deadliest Catch?! Yeah, there.) What are the odds our paths would ever cross if not for this event?  Talking with Gina, it was abundantly clear that we had some crazy connection even though we’d not known each other before this event.  It was bizarre, almost scary, all the “Oh my gosh, ME TOOs!!” we shared.  It seemed as if we are living parallel lives in different parts of the world.  We struck up a fast friendship and started making plans, even a little dreaming and scheming about working together in the future.  It made me sad to think that I would miss so much time with my new dear friend due to my speaking engagement, so we agreed to meet early, before the conference started on Sunday morning, to squeeze in just a few more minutes together.

Driving to meet Gina before the conference on Sunday morning, the phrase that came to me on Monday returned….”Old friends yet who have not met.”  OHMYGOSH!!  This phrase foreshadowed Gina and my special friendship!  That HAS to be it!  Then the Universe told me in no uncertain terms that "I got it."  

Gina was wearing a blouse that showed a tattoo I hadn’t noticed before.  The tattoo was the Japanese kanji for “family,” with a monkey hanging by its tail from the bottom of this Japanese symbol.  How does this relate to me?  My husband travels extensively to Japan and I’ve been fortunate enough to travel with him on occasion.  We love the country, culture and people of Japan quite dearly.  What about the monkey?  Gina said she calls her kids “monkey.”  Guess what?  ME TOO!!!

Gina and I remain in contact. There's no question our meeting was orchestrated from above. It is my hope to visit Gina in Alaska. If the Universe went through that much trouble to bring us together, that's the least I can do!

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!

The Zohar

About a year ago, my spiritual teacher Josephine gave me a tiny book called The Holy Zohar.  Zohar is an ancient Hebrew word meaning "splendor."  The book had a very short portion written in English, the remainder, in Aramaic.  More than a little rusty in Aramaic, I was confused as to what value the book held for me.  The English portion of the book explained that the Zohar had been passed down as oral wisdom from Moses who received it along with the Torah on Mt. Sinai; this wisdom, everything worth knowing and experiencing in this world.  It was written down about 2000 years ago, in Aramaic and the Aramaic letters are imbued with the Light of the Creator.  Simply having this book in one's possession is said to raise the vibration surrounding him.  Scanning the pages, with no comprehension of the meaning, it says, will surround one with an aura of merciful protection.  Alrighty then!  I put it on my desk as a reminder of my dear teacher and there it sat.

A few days later, my family watched the 2014 movie Noah and the Zohar played a significant part in the film.  If I'd seen the movie any sooner, I would have had absolutely no idea what they were talking about. Hmmmm.  Interesting.  Still, the tiny pocket sized book sat on my desk, unmoved except for dusting.

About "vibrations".....  In very simple terms, EVERYTHING, even a thought, has a vibration.  The analytical scientist in me loves that these vibrations can be measured.  (I recommend reading Power vs. Force by David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D.  It blew me away as I learned how our bodies are finely tuned instruments that measure vibrations and there are very practical ways to use this instrument on a daily basis.)

Understanding the nature of vibration helped me understand "like attracts like" and the meaning of Matthew 13:12 "to those who have, more will be given."  As a Catholic, I never really studied the Bible but this passage always irked me when it was read as the Gospel at Mass.  Why on Earth would the rich get richer and the poor get poorer?!  David Hawkins' work made this crystal clear to me; it's all about your attitude, which is in fact, your vibration.  The rich aren't necessarily financially abundant, but rather those who are grateful for what they have and more just seems to come to them, quite naturally.  The poor are those who see their lot in life as insufficient and lacking.  You know these feelings and they are vibrations that can absolutely be measured.  Think about a time when you recognized something really amazing and wonderful that happened to you; this is gratitude and it would have measured at a pretty high vibration.  Then, the next thing you know, it's like you're on a winning streak.  Wow, I'm gonna buy a lottery ticket because it seems I'm living a charmed life!  Conversely, we have all had those times in our lives when we say "When it rains, it pours!"  "What else could possibly go wrong?"  These strings of events are happening because of the Universal law that like attracts like.

With this knowledge, I do my best to keep my vibration "up" as much as possible.  See the good and feel a sense of gratitude for it whenever I can.  Find the silver lining in a dark cloud if possible.  Going down the rabbit hole of self-pity or anger will not end well for me and I know this....but still there are times when I struggle.

Back to the Zohar.  A few months ago, I was feeling very low.  One of my daughters was really struggling and I felt helpless, watching her in pain.  I was scared and depressed; I could see that my state of mind was not helping the situation, but depression is hard to turn around (Again, see the Map of Consciousness in David Hawkins' Power vs. Force.)  I sought help for my daughter and through a kindred spirit and more bread crumbs from God, I found a new resource.  This was not covered by our insurance but after a lengthy interview over the phone, I decided it was worth the cost.  I accompanied my daughter to the waiting room for her first appointment.  I sat down to wait and looked straight ahead at a bookshelf.  There, on an easel for display, was a very large and heavy book staring me in the face.  It was.....The Zohar.  This was a sign for me that I was on the right track for my daughter.  I flipped through the book while I waited, amazed at how MUCH there was in this book compared to my tiny pocket version.  It brought me a lot of comfort and also, curiosity as to what this text might mean to me if I had the time to actually read it.

A few weeks went by and Josephine presented me with an early birthday gift.  It was the FULL SET of The Holy Zohar.  (FYI for those of you who know me well, there are 23 volumes in this set!)  I was overwhelmed....ask and you shall receive?!  Yeah, that.  I'd wondered about the Zohar and here it was....probably a LIFETIME of reading right in front of me.  I had no idea where to begin.  The boxes of books came home with me but life carried me away and I didn't read a word.

I received my certification as a life coach in December of 2015 and have felt the need to do something with it.  I have a few clients, run a support group and am preparing for a public speaking engagement in May.  I have been feeling like I NEED to get a website together, NEED to find more clients, NEED to make use of the investments I've made in this new career path.  I've been stressing myself out.  I'm anxious and nervous as I try to navigate the workload at my job that pays the bills while carving out time to work on my coaching business.  Add to that the fact that I still want to be the best wife and mother I can be to the loving family that has constantly supported me on my life changing journey.  I feel stress and anxiety and I KNOW this means my vibration is very low.  Knowing changes are necessary I am trying to find joy in the everyday but my skills are being challenged.

This past week was a doozy, there was a dramatic high and a directly proportional low, yin and yang for sure.  My daughter suffered a concussion during a water polo game.  There is never a good time to sustain a concussion but for a Junior in high school scheduled to take the ACT in 5 days, I thought the timing couldn't be worse.  I was worried sick with her debilitating headache and the damage done to the soft tissue and muscles in her neck.  These caused her to miss almost a full week of school then talking with the teachers, guidance and college counselors, the magnitude of the consequences took on epic proportions that overwhelmed me and threw me into a pit of despair.  

I couldn't concentrate well enough to meditate.  Prayer turned into short bursts of pleadings "Oh please dear God....!"  I have learned the best way for me to pray over the past few years. It's a matter of finding that place of stillness within me, and in a state of joy or gratitude expressing myself to God/The Universe/The Creator/Higher Self....whatever name you choose.  I was so down over the past week that I couldn't find my footing to pray the way I want to.

Yesterday after another muddled attempt at meditation, I knew I needed to take another avenue.  I needed something very tangible to illustrate what's going on inside.  Once highly skeptical, I have learned how our internal vibrations can be read using a variety of tools like pendulums and dowsing rods and I've been practicing with them.  Even tarot and oracle cards provide a wonderful means of communication with the Higher Self IF used with the proper intention.  I've been studying all of these and more as I have been on the quest to find mySelf.

First I grabbed my Tarot cards and asked "What should I be learning from these events that are upsetting me?"  Here's the message:

1. Card one describes the situation at hand.  The Hierophant, the Universal principle of learning and teaching that is experienced within life and the family, challenging us to trust our faith.  Learn how to walk the mystical path with practical feet.  Current challenges are being faced in order to grow.  Yep, this pretty much sums up EXACTLY what's going on.  
2. Card two describes the action to take.  The Queen of Rods.  Know thyself, self-mastery, self-reclamation.  Fluidity and aspiration is required to know thyself.  Self-discovery and awakening.  Yes, I need to know myself so I can learn these lessons!
3. Card three describes the outcome of this situation if I take the action described.  So, if I get to know myself well enough to grow from these experiences...what will be the outcome?  The Emperor (which is, not surprisingly, my LIFE symbol.)  If I take action to know myself and am able to grow, I will find power within myself and take on a roll of leadership.  I will be a traveler of the globe who can make things solid and secure.  Adventure and exploration will unfold.  My mind, heart and spirit will unite in decision making and taking action.  Change and transformation will result.

This is pretty much the story of my life, summed up in three cards.  I'm always stuck in my head, I need to apply what I've learned.  I need to know myself as the creator of my life (no more looking outside and asking what others think!) so I can be fully awake in this life and if I do, it seems all the things I dream of (travel, adventure, exploration, clear decision making and confident action) will come about.  I WILL BE changed and transformed as I desire.

Then the Zohar popped into my head.  Where in the world to begin?  Josephine had given me an index and there were many topics I thought might be applicable.....cleansing, energy of life, healing, protection, taking control.  I decided to use my dowsing rods to help me understand which volume would help me the most, but NONE of the topics I THOUGHT would be useful gave me a positive reading.  Very strange?!  So, I started from the beginning of the list and asked about each topic on the index.  I was absolutely stunned when I got a positive reading on....Marriage???  What??  Okay, I gotta trust this, right?  I went to the boxes of books and found volume 11..."Trumah Safra Det'zniuta"  Trumah loosely translates into 'how we are supposed to treat ourselves.'  Safra Det'zniuta; seems to mean 'one who knows it already.'  and I found this: "Although it is very lofty, nevertheless, it is a powerful experience just to read this section, even if on a conscious level one understands very little of it. There is much Light-power in it and it is said to bring blessings to anyone who reads it aloud in private....."

When I picked up this volume, an odd "bookmark" was sticking out.  

It seemed to be a product tag from some brand I did not recognize.  One side had a logo that read "not for everyone."  I looked it up and found this video....

N4E1 NotForEveryone from Backstage on Vimeo.

I had to laugh, this is SO me.  You either get me or you don't and either way is perfectly fine.

I began to read, where the bookmark fell out, between pages 32 and 33:  The Three Colors of the Flame.  Briefly summarized: 'One color rises up, one dips down, the third color appears to be concealed when the sun shines.  This color ascends and emerges to the crown, whiter than white.'   This was my message.  The two visible colors are my emotions (or vibrations) on a daily basis, I can be up or I can be down.  But it's that third color, the whiter than white, that highest vibrational energy that ascends to the crown of my head when I let go and absolutely surrender my will in dark times, THAT'S what I'm seeking.  

The message is always the same, I just need periodic reminders......let go, stop forcing things, it will all work out.  When this is my way of "being" rather than "doing," I will know myself as the true author of my life and this state will bring about all that I truly seek, that which is at the root of all desires.....peace, joy and love.

My daughter is still dealing with the symptoms of her concussion, I still have lots of questions and there are many decisions to be made to get her through the end of this school year, but I am in a better place today.  I was at the end of my rope and frazzled as I tried to control every variable.  Taking a "time out" yesterday, I got to reflect, connect the dots and indulge in some of the "magic" that makes my heart soar.  These things are always available for me, my body will always talk to me, I just need to relax and pay attention to the signs.

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!

On Forgiveness, Firetrucks and Feedback

Forgiveness.  Apparently this is one of the greatest lessons I need to learn in my lifetime. In the past few years, I've been given the opportunity to work through some profound hurt and betrayal.  In the process, I've found my "recipe" for forgiveness.  Here it is: 

1. Find a lesson in the painful experience; 
2. Experience gratitude for this lesson; 
3. Translate that gratitude into an appreciation, for some aspect (no matter how small or seemingly insignificant) of the person to be forgiven; and
4. Eventually, (not always a quick process for me,) the appreciation leads to compassion which releases me from the anger and resentment I was holding onto.

Some things I've discovered along the way:

• In my closest relationships, I need to "rinse and repeat."  The closer we are, the more opportunities for hurt.  The more I use this process, the less baggage I'm holding.
• Forgive and forget?  I do not forget. If I forget, I've lost the lesson and I'm doomed to repeat it.  It is possible for me to forgive and love someone, while recognizing behaviors that don't work for me.  This allows me to choose if and when I can safely engage again.
• I can't take it personally when others won't forgive me.  We all learn at our own pace.  I am choosing to heal and grow.
• If I can express my appreciation and compassion TO the person I am forgiving it increases my liberation exponentially.

If you follow my blog, you are familiar with my history and how I am working to find peace with my birth family.  The Christmas season is challenging because my husband, children and I are no longer part of that family.  Last week I was inspired to write some "poetry" (and I use that term loosely!) to my Dad.  I expressed appreciation for some of the good times I could recall with him.  It felt good to write; I was certainly seeking a deeper level of peace for myself but I truly hoped it would bring him joy as well.  The poem is below although the formatting doesn't work here.  (It may also help you to understand that my Dad drove an LP gas truck for years and that Amanda is a firetruck, purchased by the City of Washington, Missouri in 1946 with funds willed to the City by Amanda Kloentrup.  "Miss Amanda Kloentrup" was painted on the front bumper of the firetruck which remained in service until the early '70s....1973 I think?)

My best memories of you involve a truck, Dad. I thought I'd share some of them....

A Truck

When I was young, there were some very special days.

A big surprise!  I’d get to ride along with you in The Truck!

Into the cab of the big gas truck I’d climb.

In the passenger seat I’d ride, feeling special, chosen to share time with you.

All the day, on what must have been your longest routes, the powerful truck carried us.

I can still recall the smell of the cab, the metal folder that held your receipts, the rumble of the seat beneath me as you changed the gears with ease.

Excitedly, you took me places I had never been and I can’t even say where.

Once we stopped at Cuivre River and had a picnic lunch; a fairy tale to have all your attention and see the places you went to work each day.

Each trip ended the same way, with a trip to Riecher’s Station.

I’d get to choose some candy, like Kentucky Mints.

You’d have a bag of peanuts, the dancing peanut, with monocle and top hat, smiling at me.

There was always a fire truck in your life.

The days of Amanda were the best.

It was a tiny firehouse, there was a basement that seemed scary to me, but I think that’s where the sodas came from???  so it was worth the trip down there after all.

There was a wonderful heater upstairs.  I felt so cozy and warm in the cold, damp garage when that furnace would run.  Do I remember seeing the flames from a grill in the front?

Was there a metal plate in the concrete floor?  Through a small hole in that plate I think I could peek into the basement?  It was so long ago.

Then came the Mack, the bulldog Mack firetruck.  

I was jealous of that truck!  From my 9 year old perspective, it stole you from me every Sunday when you worked on the blueprints and plans.

But we got to ride first, mom made sure of that.

I remember being in the “new” firehouse with you, being charged with cleaning the truck windows.

Apparently my childhood Windex skills couldn’t measure up and you had to redo my work.

Guess what?  I still don’t use Windex.

I hope by now the fire department has discovered SPRAYWAY, World’s Best Glass Cleaner

And that 10 year-olds aren’t the best window washers. Ha ha!

It is fitting that I have a photo of you and Claire in your antique fire truck on my wall.

As time went on you were able to have your very own big red truck.

I recall two days distinctly,  when you drove and I rode along.

One day we drove in Washington.  To and from where I do not recall.

We spoke honestly and sincerely.

You expressed gratitude for me getting you started in “the business.”

You also expressed regret that you couldn’t have paid for my college.

Few things in life have brought me greater joy

than watching your quality of life improve as the business grew.

A child will ALWAYS seek the parent’s approval.

Simply hearing you acknowledge my efforts was wonderful.

I was happy to have made a difference.

As far as my college tuition,

Paying my own way made me who I am today.

Everything happens for a reason.

Each experience in life offers a lesson.

I learned discernment; the difference between  “want” and “need”

in those years when I wrote a check to MOHELA each month.

I was blessed to be able to write those checks and grateful I could do so.

Finally, there was the day we moved to Westwood.

You were supposed to wait at the house for Laclede Gas.

You ended up schlepping who knows how many loads for us in your big red truck;

the moving company underestimated the volume of our earthly possessions.

I rode with you.  

Your truck carried tons of cargo that day, but the heaviest load was my heart.

I had to be brave for my girls; in your truck I could cry as the quicksand of life shifted beneath me.

Life had thrown David and me a curve ball.

Everything we’d planned and worked for seemed null and void.  

Our daughters’ hearts were broken.

We were doing what we had to do, like it or not.

Moving into a neighborhood where we didn’t fit in,

Paying an obscene mortgage for a home we didn’t really like,

so that our beautiful, brilliant girls could make the most of their talents.

We’d do it again, no doubt.

But, the bright spot in that day came with you.

When the last box was off the truck, we took a rest.

Do you remember?

My beloved, crazy realtor stopped by with a 6 pack to say WELCOME TO LADUE!

We sat in the kitchen.  Surrounded by towers of boxes that contained our disheveled lives.

What did we do?  We got our priorities straight.

We found a bottle opener and cracked open some beers.

Then it seemed like life would go on, in our own way, on our own terms, in this foreign land.

We had so much work ahead, but

we took the time to celebrate the end of one way of life and the beginning of another.

I believe you were sitting on the only available “chair;”

a cooler holding the sadly random contents of our fridge.

We laughed among the chaos and disorder of our lives.

I was so glad you were there.

With your truck.

I wish I could ride again,

just the two of us in your truck.

That environment seems like sacred ground to me.

Safe and private, it seems to draw out the best of times.

Thank you for those times.

I love you!

I signed the letter and mailed it with no expectations.

Since I started my blog I've shared my history, struggles, triumphs and crazy "stuff" from the Universe.  Through my writing you've witnessed much of my "healing journey," and you know my eyes have been opened to much beyond this physical world.  You know I'm searching for a way to get back to that experience of Oneness I found in my near death experience; I'm walking paths I would have once deemed "for crazies only!"  One path led me to understand that our souls try to communicate with us through our dreams.  I figured this is a pretty important resource so I started journaling my dreams.  After studying with some amazing teachers, I've gotten pretty good at interpreting my own dreams and in my coaching practice, I am helping others interpret theirs as well.

The night I was sure my Dad received the letter, I had a dream.  I could only recall a tiny fragment of the dream, but it is said you recall what is important so I interpreted it as always. 

Here is my dream:

David (my husband) gave me a gift of a BEAUTIFUL necklace; like none I've ever seen.  It was a very modern choker made of layers of shiny, thick, silver links.  From the choker dropped an antique heart locket.  The locket had a beautiful, design engraved in it.  It came with a tiny piece of silver, also in the shape of a heart, with a lengthy serial number etched in it.  I don't recall the number but I do know "23" was part of the sequence of numbers.

This might seem inconsequential but this dream fragment is rich in valuable symbols:

David, my spouse, represents the aspect of me that is committed to wholeness. This is the part of me that knows the importance of aligning my conscious mind with my subconscious "essence" in order to fulfill my purpose in life. 

The necklace was a gift.   A gift that is received is some value that is not of my effort; it is some "natural talent" possessed when I came into this world.  I believe my gift is writing.

Jewelry is the value I hold in how I express myself to others.  The way I express myself to others makes a difference in my life and theirs.  The necklace was exquisitely beautiful; I place great value on the way I express myself to others.

Silver represents purity.  The expression was pure; in this case pure of heart!  My only desire in writing the poem was to create peace and perhaps joy.

Heart shape can represents many things: life, soul, the essence of a person, love compassion, caring.

Antiques are longstanding ideas which have great value.  Ideas of enduring value promote soul growth.  In a dream, an antique shows an understanding you possess that is valuable to your soul.  I believe the antique nature of the locket represents my understanding of the value of forgiveness.

Locket represents a long lasting relationship.  My relationship with my father is the second longest of my life.

Serial number is a unique means of identification.  I wish I could recall all the digits, but those of you who know me know that 23 is my "special number."

So what does this feedback mean?

I believe my soul is telling me that the poem I sent was a big step for me in my journey of forgiveness.  I'm aligning my conscious acts with my soul's purpose.  With pure intention, I used my writing skills to express love to my aging father in a unique way, with sentiment that only I am capable of conveying.  I know the value of forgiveness.

So I will continue looking for opportunities to forgive.  It feels good, it's getting easier for me with all this practice and besides, my soul approves!

Epilogue:

I finished writing this post this afternoon.  I thought maybe it didn't have as much "zing" as some of my other posts.  Insecurities set in and I thought maybe nobody would be interested in reading it.  I decided it wasn't worth posting and when my daughter invited me to see a movie with her, I said sure, why not?

We saw the film Carol.  Imagine my surprise when I saw, on Cate Blanchett's wrist, a bracelet that looked EXACTLY like the choker in my dream.  (Well the bracelet was gold, my choker was silver.)  I took this as a sign from the Universe that I needed to post what I'd written.  

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!