Wake Up! There's a Reason You Can't Sleep!

John Mellencamp.......  I've been a fan since 1979 when he was John Cougar.  A freshman in high school, I bought his self-titled album with my babysitting money for the hit song, I Need a Lover.   Always one to take the path less traveled, the non-charting songs on the album quickly gained favor with me over the popular song getting airplay.  Maybe it was the old soul in me, but even at the age of 15, The Great Midwest felt truthful to me.

Well, I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth

So I can't talk about the big city hi-life

You wanna talk about bein' bored and runnin'

Away from yourself, hell, I can talk to you all night

And they call this the Great Midwest

Where livin' is just gettin' by

And people, they trade in their happiness

For a smokestack, a big money deal in the sky

John matured as an artist and I remained a big fan.  Through the years when he struggled to remain true to his essential self, the record companies trying to mold him into who they wanted him to be, he managed to impart soul-felt lyrics to the music that was demanded of him.  Scarecrow, admittedly one of my least favorite of his albums, still holds sacred space on my shelf for lyrics probably overlooked by the masses.  The song Minutes to Memories came to me as I meditated on putting my feelings into words for this post.

The old man kept talking 'bout his life and his times

He fell asleep with his head against the window

He said an honest man's pillow is his peace of mind

This world offers riches and riches will grow wings

I don't take stock in those uncertain things

"...an honest man's pillow is his peace of mind..."   As a much younger single woman, with my own apartment in "the big city," juggling boyfriends and trying to decide which dance club to hit on Saturday night, I sang these lyrics, never considering their meaning.....not even while lying awake in the week hours of the night as a chronic insomniac.

Life was going as it "should" for a 20-something in the '80's.  I'd worked hard for a challenging college degree, had a career in the field of my choice, was making good money, had my own apartment and was on my way to being married.  But meeting all the requisite "shoulds" for an "'80's lady" was about as far out of alignment as possible with my true Self.  Most nights, I was awake struggling to put my finger on what was troubling me.  In retrospect, it was my soul screaming YOU ARE ABOUT TO MARRY THE WRONG MAN!  My true soul mate, a "bad boy" with a devil-may-care approach to life had captured my heart but I couldn't imagine him in the future I'd carefully orchestrated in my mind. Since I couldn't understand what my heart was saying in those long, sleepless nights, my Higher Self took action and drastically changed the course of my life. (Looong story for another day....)   My plans were crushed and I was brought to my knees, humbled as never before.  Thank God for small favors....but I still hadn't learned to listen to my heart.

Decades passed and life unfolded with beauty I could not have foreseen.  The "bad boy" became my husband, our love growing stronger with the years.   My children....I couldn't ask for more than the two beautiful babies who have grown into amazing young women.  By all accounts my life was a dream and I was grateful for every moment with the beautiful family I'd been blessed with.  Still, I was an insomniac.  

I tried everything.  Going to bed at the same time every night.  No watching TV before bed.   Eliminating caffeine.  No exercising or eating before bed.  Keeping the bedroom cool and dark.  Melatonin.  Lunesta.  Ambien.  None of this worked for me.  I was operating in a state of sleep deprivation.  I couldn't focus, my memory was shot.  Simultaneously and not coincidentally, forces outside the boundaries of my happy little family were becoming unmanageable for me.  In 2010, an anxiety attack presenting symptoms of a heart attack got my attention very quickly.  

"...an honest man's pillow is his peace of mind..."   You can't sleep, the doctor mused.  Is something bothering you?  Are you worried about something?  Is something on your mind?  No, not especially.  Everybody has problems; I didn't see myself as extraordinarily burdened, I just couldn't sleep!  Yet, a few razor sharp questions, wielded as skillfully as a surgeon's scalpel, began to expose lies I'd been telling myself.  There were many things bothering me to a great extent but I'd buried my anger to keep "peace" in certain relationships.  Denying my emotions had created a giant ball of stress which was more than my body could handle.  It was reacting in a violent way to get my attention.  How in the world could I possibly control my stress level?!  These problems, insomnia included, seemed beyond my control.  I couldn't see that I'd created these problems all by myself.  I'd always had choices and I'd chosen to create a prison for myself constructed of "have to's" and "shoulds."

Aside: For those unfamiliar with my story, you may like to read previous posts, but here is a condensed version for purposes of this post.  In 2011, I reached a breaking point.  I was brutally honest with my father about my feelings and asked for changes to create a healthier environment for me and my children.  My husband, children and I were quickly disowned.  My mother professed in front of extended family, with the subtlety of a flame thrower, that I'd ruined her "entire life," that I needed a psychiatrist and a few other brutally honest insights she'd been harboring all of MY life.  I went into a literal state shock, had a near death experience and came back with a much clearer understanding of who I am.

Ever since my NDE, I sleep like a rock.  "...an honest man's pillow is his peace of mind..."  Now I understand.  There is no peace of mind when you disown your Self.   For 47 years I'd sought validation from everyone around me and society in general.  When I finally stood up for myself and honored my truth I found that pillow called peace of mind and sleep came naturally.  Insomnia was a thing of the past.

If I have a restless night now, I generally understand how I've sabotaged myself with too much caffeine or a poorly timed nap.  If I wake up in the middle of the night, I recall the rules for insomniacs...I "Don't look at the clock" and "Don't get up to play on the computer/phone" to kill the time, etc.  

So, on December 9th, I went to bed as usual.  After a busy and productive day, exhausted, I was asleep moments after my head hit the pillow.  My last thoughts were of my daughter's arrival for Christmas break, scheduled for the following morning.  In a matter of hours, the shuttle would arrive at her dorm and she'd start the 900 mile journey back home to Saint Louis.  Getting an early start on the east coast, I'd be picking her up from the airport at 9:30 a.m.

I woke up very early, tossing and turning.  I fought the urge for a long time but eventually checked the clock.  It was about  12:30 a.m.  This was odd, but I chalked it up to excitement about my daughter coming home.  I was awake for quite some time; my tricks for quieting the mind just weren't working.  Eventually I fell back to sleep.  

Again I awoke.  This was frustrating!  I needed to get my sleep so I could accomplish everything on the calendar PLUS get my daughter home from the airport.  I wanted to spend the day enjoying her company.  I lay in bed forcing myself not to look at the clock.  I had the thought that I should get up and text my daughter, tell her to be safe and have a great trip home.  No.  If I got on the phone, I'd surely be up all night......text her......  No.  I need to sleep........text her.......No, I must not do that.......text her......Oh, ALRIGHT!  I can't stand it, I WILL text her!  

I got up out of bed and grabbed my phone.  There was a text waiting for me.  Perhaps she'd texted to say she was packed and waiting in the dorm lobby?!  No.....the text wasn't from her.  It was from Southwest Airlines.  Her flight had been CANCELED!  Oh my gosh!  What time is it?!  2:33 a.m.  The shuttle would be arriving at her dorm in 27 minutes..... and she had no flight!

I called her, leaving a message asking if she knew her flight had been canceled.  Scrambling to my computer, I waited for what seemed an eternity for it to "wake up."   Eventually I was able to find a suitable flight, about an hour earlier than first planned but could she make it?  Finally, I reached her by phone.  The flight cancellation notification from Southwest had not come through to her....yes she could make the earlier flight.  I clicked to reserve the ticket and within minutes she was on the shuttle as though her plans had never changed.  All was right with the world!

There is no doubt in my mind that an extraordinary force woke me that morning and insisted I get my phone.  Was it my intuition?  My Guardian Angel?  Spirit Guides?  My Grandma who died 13 years ago that very day?  Someday I hope to be able to discern such things.  In any case, without that urging, my daughter may have spent the day the Philadelphia airport rather than surprising her sister at the high school for lunch.  I know she could have, and will no doubt one day have to work through hiccups like these on her own, but there's plenty of time for that.  As a mother, I just want to make life easier for my children and this opportunity to help my daughter was surely a gift.  I felt a sense of tremendous gratitude to whatever benevolent force intervened that morning.  I believe that gratitude contains facets of recognition and acknowledgement and I am happy to tip my hat to the Universe for its blessings here in my blog.

In the early days of my awakening, I had profound experiences.  They definitely got my attention and lead me to the seeker's path.  As I've grown in my spirituality, I recognize that there have always been day-to-day miracles I may have overlooked.  While I love those crazy experiences that prompt me to say "You're NEVER going to believe what happened to me!!," it is in recognizing the "ordinary miracles" that I can cultivate greater peace of mind on a daily basis.  These small reminders of the presence of the Divine in my life are gifts that encourage me to continue on my journey.  As I share my gifted experiences with you, I hope that you may, in turn, recognize your own gifts from the Divine.  I would be honored if you would share your gifted experiences in the comments section below.

Emmanuel means "God is with us."  During this Holiday season, I wish you endless blessings of peace, joy, and love and may you know that Emmanuel!

This post is dedicated to my sister-in-law, Jill, who is spending her fifth Christmas in Heaven.  She was the greatest Mellencamp fan and Christmas tree decorator who ever lived.  I'll have a Bloody Mary for you on Christmas, Jill!

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!

The Ties That Bind

Depression.  I struggled with this disease for 47 years; this black hole that would come out of nowhere to swallow my world.  Under the best of circumstances, there was a problem to be solved, a reason, I'd think, for being so sad.  Working feverishly toward a solution gave me a focal point outside of my gloom and hope that I could rid myself of this monster once and for all if I just worked hard enough.  More often than not, the darkness would come without rhyme or reason.  All logic failing me, I would ride out the weeks, desperately awaiting the random day I would awake with a sense of lightness and joy in my heart again.

My near death experience ended my battle with depression.  The melancholy days were over.  Then came grieving the loss of my family and yes, therapy was painful.  However, this was clean pain, pain with a purpose.  Handled properly, this transformative pain brings us closer to the truth of who we are and we need this pain if change and growth are ever to occur.  I've learned to accept clean pain and sometimes, I can even be grateful for it in the midst of the struggles.

After 3 years of living with simple, clean pain, depression came creeping in a few weeks ago.  I found myself trying to explain the pain away.  We have had no shortage of curve balls recently and I tried to attribute the darkness to them, but in my heart I knew this was something greater than the sum of all my current tribulations.  I was heading slowly downhill, no matter how many spiritual tools I pulled out of my trick bag.  Panic was setting in.

Today I hit a low point.  I attended a conference call at noon.  While participating, I felt wave after wave of sadness washing through me.  I began to weep uncontrollably as soon as the call ended.  As depressed as I've ever been, I have never experienced anything like this.  At 2:53 p.m. I texted a friend and cancelled our meeting.  I told her I was in a hole of hell I hadn't seen in a long time.  I could not subject her to this.  I collapsed on the couch and continued sobbing.  I wondered, "What is happening to me?"  "WHY?!?!" and  "Is this the point when you call 911?"  At 3:06 p.m., my father called.  Being persona non grata, this alone shocked me out of my despair.  He called to say my Aunt Jane had passed away just moments after noon today.  Hearing this news made everything crystal clear and the gloom very quickly dissipated, giving way to joy.

While I am no longer a part of the family on a physical plane, there are ties that unconsciously bind us on an emotional level.  As an unconscious witness, I was feeling all the pain and anguish of a family going through one of the most difficult experiences in life.  With awareness, I was able to separate myself from the unconscious pain and begin my grieving process for the loss of an Aunt whom I dearly loved.  For myself, I am sad that I will never again get to taste one of Aunt Jane's delicious hams, see her lovely smile (always with a pretty shade of pink lipstick!) or hear her beautiful laughter. I couldn't be sad for long though.  I know what Aunt Jane is experiencing now.  She is one with the fabric of the Universe, with her Creator; she is experiencing "the peace that passeth understanding" and she is still with us even if we can't see her.  She is a beautiful soul I am fortunate to have known on this physical plane and I am celebrating for the peace, love and joy of Christ consciousness that she now enjoys.

I love you, Aunt Jane! 

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!

Encouragement from Beyond

Since my near death experience (NDE,) I've encountered many forks in the road.  I am getting better at recognizing opportunities where I can be a better human being, or simply react out of habit or fear.  As Carolyn Myss said "Every second offers a choice to either channel grace or withhold it."  I do my very best to choose love and kindness these days, but sometimes fear gets the best of me and I react out of habit without considering alternative behaviors.  

I think it is funny that I am no longer afraid of death itself, but "lesser" fears can reduce me to an unconscious state where the fight or flight instinct kicks in.  One of my greatest challenges is to overcome this reactive fear.  The more practice I am afforded, the more I find I am able to choose the highest road I can imagine.

Sometimes the high road isn't so obvious to me.  Being nothing if not an over-analyzer, I can become paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong choice, dwelling on options for far too long.  Lately, I've been getting outside assistance, in ways that seem magical to me.  These experiences gently guided me in the direction of my heart when my head was busy spinning in circles of fear.

I've been invited to a few extended family events since my NDE.  [If you're new to my blog, I am no longer a part of my birth family since my NDE.]  It was always with sadness that I declined the invitations, but I didn't want another family event, especially a beautiful wedding, marred by ugliness.  

When my favorite uncle turned 70, I received an invitation to his party on July 27th, 2013.  I felt a strong urge to attend but this was not without trepidation.  I contacted a sympathetic cousin for help.  She agreed to notify me by text on the day of the party as soon as "the coast was clear."   I thought it over and eventually RSVP'd; David and I would attend.  As soon as I committed to this decision, I was overwhelmed with fear.  This was the first time I'd see most of these family members since my NDE.  What if they believed the ugly things being said about me?  Would they be mean-spirited?  More importantly, would caring family members be subject to the passive aggression that hometown friends were experiencing from my "family?"  What if?  What if?  What if?

The "Birthday Uncle" had been married to my mother's youngest sister, who died very young and suddenly.  I'd always felt very close to her, a special bond that was felt but never spoken.  On July 16, 2013, my Aunt came to me in a dream I will never forget.  The quality of the dream was vastly different from my "normal" dreams.  In this dream, there was nothing but white.  She appeared to me out of nowhere, wearing a sweatshirt and jeans, casual as always, as if she were heading to the barn to feed her horses.  She looked so happy and gave me one of her big, beautiful, heartwarming smiles; there was a twinkle in her eyes I'd seen many times. Then she hugged me tightly and I understood; she was telling me to go the party..... and then she vanished.  I woke up with a tremendous sense of peace.  This was my first visitation dream.

What is a visitation dream?  There are several characteristics.  If you have to ask if it was a visitation, it probably wasn't.  Visitation dreams feel incredibly real and because they are so vivid you will likely remember them for the rest of your life.  The person who appears will be healthy and always behave in a loving manner. Communications are very clear and generally, telepathic. Most messages conveyed in a visitation dream are those of reassurance.  When awakening from a visitation dream, the dreamer will be filled with a sense of peace. Check, check check!

I attended the party and was welcomed by everyone.  There were lots of hugs.  I shed quite a few tears.  I don't know if my relatives will ever understand how relieved I was to know that they do not judge me harshly.  I was happy I took the "high road" which boosted my confidence tremendously.  Rather than avoiding this opportunity for interaction, I'd faced my fears.  With a pat on the back from my beautiful, loving Aunt, I'd climbed to higher level of awareness.

On September 12, 2013, I had another visitation dream.  This time it was my paternal Grandmother who came to me.  Again, in a white hazy fog, I saw her walking by.  She was as youthful as I ever remember her being.  Her hair was still a mix of salt and pepper.  She smiled and waved at me as she walked by.  Her smile was shy, bashful; the only one I ever saw her wear while I knew her on this earth.  She was a meek and unassuming soul, never the center of attention, but her true beauty shone in those quick glimpses of happiness I'd see when someone would compliment her delicious mahogany cake, home-made donuts on Lenten Fridays or an incredible Thanksgiving meal served to the massive family on makeshift tables in her basement.  It was one of these smiles I saw, with a wave directed at me for the duration of the short of the dream.  I had no doubt this was a visitation dream, but I didn't really understand what Grandma was trying to tell me.

The following morning, as I meditated, I had a "knowing" that I should go to Washington, Missouri (where I was raised) and walk the riverfront trail.  I had this knowing before so I did not question it.  While walking the trail, I saw my Grandma's son and his wife approaching.  They were both present the night of my NDE and I had not seen either one of them in the two years since that event.  I was a bit apprehensive; I'd received mixed signals from various relatives on this side of the family.  Then I realized what my Grandma was trying to tell me....I should not be afraid, this would be a good interaction.  Then I approached them with confidence.  We had a pleasant conversation.  My list of friendly relatives expanding, my fears were abating.

October 2013 brought challenges for me in the form of therapy.  To become mentally and emotionally healthy, I am peeling away the myriad layers of Band Aids I've unconsciously and subconsciously piled on my wounds.  I've done a fair amount of talk therapy since September 2011 but this was different.  I began on October 14th.  It was both physically and emotionally painful; I was exhausted for days after each session.  It dredged up memories I couldn't consciously recall but once raised from the depths of my mind, the memories were clear as a bell and I could easily put them into context.  This process was not pleasant in any way.  It was the emotional equivalent to re-breaking every bone in my body so they could be set properly.  In short, I hated this therapy but I knew it would help me heal.

One week after my first therapy session, on October 21, Jesus came to me in a dream.  Sounds incredibly hokey, but it's true.  I have never dreamed of God, Jesus, The Creator, etc., much less in a visitation dream.  In my dream, I was walking down a well-worn path in a field of tall grass.  To my right, I saw a tremendous white-golden light or energy.  I turned my head toward this light and briefly glimpsed precisely what my mind conjures up when I think of Jesus.  He quickly "floated" behind me, out of my field of vision but I could still see the light.  I could not believe my "eyes!"  I tried to look at Him again but only the white-gold light/energy was visible.  I looked forward, the light/energy moved back to my right shoulder.  I turned to the right trying to see Him and again, the light floated behind me.  I could always see the light but not His face.  I continued walking forward down the path, making no more effort to see His face because clearly this was not part of "the deal."  The white-gold light/energy remained by my right shoulder and I could feel His presence the entire time I traveled the path.  Then I woke up.  I understood.  He's by my side as I walk this difficult path toward recovery.  I did this therapy for nine months; it never got any easier but I was always comforted by the thought of this special dream I will always cherish.

As I try to find my place in this new world I've awoken to, I have the feeling I need to share what I saw and learned in my NDE.  I'm just trying to figure out  how to do it!  My first real step was in starting this blog.  The feedback (mostly private messages and personal conversations) tells me that people are benefiting from hearing about my experiences.  This builds confidence in my desire to write a book but I know I'm not ready for that yet.  I need to assimilate many experiences before I share them.  This book will come to be when the time is right.

People often come to me for advice, but more frequently since my NDE.  They express gratitude, telling me my advice has changed them in some way, for the better.  I have a hard time accepting gratitude for the words I share; it's almost like I'm a "channel" and the most perfect words come to me effortlessly without any thought whatsoever.  If I'd worked for hours developing suggestions for some of the scenarios presented to me, I could never create such thoughtful responses as those that just spill out of my mouth.  Maybe this is a gift I can share?

I thought a career based in psychology might be a way to share this "gift."  I was guided (an incredible story by itself) to an AMAZING psychology professor who had a huge impact on my life.  His class was anything but traditional and in the passion I had for learning in his non-traditional classroom, I understood I wasn't meant to pursue anything in a traditionally academic way.

A variety of friends have suggested over the past few years that I become a "life coach."  This seemed vague and ambiguous to me, maybe even kinda cheesy.  How pretentious to assume I could coach someone on "life."  No, not for me.

Yet, every month when my Oprah magazine arrives, I find myself heading for Martha Beck's advice column before I read anything else.  I love her sense of humor and yes!  I SO GET what she's telling people.  She seems like a friend I have yet to actually meet.  So, I read some of her books and they seem like coming home.  It's like she's written a formula for the experience of my life over the past three years.  She understands how I tick, and what matters in my life; she's been through family trauma that parallels my own.  I really enjoy Martha's work so I checked out her website; she's got a life coach training program.  Still, I think "That's not for me."

About this same time, Jill Farmer came into my circle.  Our daughters played sports together; I'd see her around town.  I didn't really know her, but I could feel a really great, positive energy about her.  I somehow felt she could be a good friend if I ever got to know her.  One thing lead to another and I found out she's a Martha Beck Master Coach.  These coincidences were starting to feel more like signs.  Jill and I met for coffee and I asked about what she does as a life coach.  I was intrigued and for the first time I thought maybe....just maybe I could do something like that with my own little twist.

With encouragement from David, on my 50th birthday, I signed up for the Martha Beck Life Coach Training Program.  I am excited at the prospect of doing something so incredibly different!  With absolutely no idea where I'm going or how I will put this training to use, I'm taking a leap of faith that God will open new doors as I step off my comfortable path of tried and true.  Being a meticulous planner and one who is completely invested in the outcome of every plan I set in motion, this adventure is completely out of character for me and I more than a little bit nervous!

On the morning of September 16, 2014, less than two weeks from the start of the Martha Beck course, I had an interesting meditation.  I heard the word "effortless," and the term "duty to respond."  Plus I had a vision; it lasted a split second but this is what came to me:

I saw prison bars in front of my face.  I turned to the left and saw that the prison wall was only about 6 inches high.  Huh....how funny, I "think" to myself; I can just step out, I am not really in prison!  So, I stepped over the wall and with that, the bars slid down, sort of melted, away from my face.  I am free.  

I interpreted this vision to mean that I can step out of my prison anytime I choose.  I have a variety of thoughts that I allow to imprison me and this vision can be applied to all of them.  I went on with my day, sure of what the vision meant, but kind of curious about "effortless" and "duty to respond."

About 9:00 p.m. on this same evening, I was reading in preparation for the Martha Beck course.  On page 69 of Steering by Starlight, I read:

"All of this occurred to me in less than a heartbeat, and it made me laugh at myself a long time.  After you've been digging out of your thought-dungeon for a while, almost everything you think starts to effect you this way.  Over and over again, you find yourself locked in an inescapable dungeon, then quickly realize that the dungeon doesn't even exist.  Then you can drop the window bars from your face,...."

Chills ran down my spine.  This is an exact description of my morning meditation.  This serendipity had been "effortless."  It's my "duty to respond" to this calling.  I get it!  The light bulb came on and I was filled with gratitude.  I had been nervous about starting a new adventure and this, to me, was confirmation "from above" that I am on the right path.  What a wonderful gift!

I was asleep for 47 years, a sort of zombie marching to the cadence of self-imposed external forces, down a path that did not satisfy my soul. Now I understand I am in control.  I am consciously choosing the path my soul desires.  While scary and painful at times, I see the signs that I am not alone on this journey.  These priceless gifts from beyond illuminate my high road when thoughts and fears clutter my vision.


Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!

Soul Agreements

I am a big fan of author Carolyn Myss.  One of my favorite books is Sacred Contracts, which proposes that our lives are guided by a sacred contract created by the soul before birth.  This contract is a sort of plan for accomplishing all that the soul desires to experience in order to have the opportunities to learn specific lessons during this time in the physical form.  In the contract, there are agreements with other souls, a sort of collaboration to help create and share opportunities for growth.  Collaborative souls are often friends and family, or perhaps they are in and out of your life in a brief instant.  Their impact may be immediately evident as life changing or their role may be one of silent support, in the chorus of your life.  In all cases, they've played their part. Here I'd like to share some examples of soul agreements in my life.

I am an extremely introverted person.  More comfortable with one or two close friends, I have never been part of a large group of girlfriends.  As an awkward, unpopular teenager, I felt like an outcast.  Teased mercilessly, with raging acne and frizzy, curly hair, quite literally spit upon by my Catholic schoolmates, I had a suicide plan.  Every time the pain would push me to my limits, when I'd seriously think about using the sleeping pills I had, one of my very tiny posse would reach out in some way that made me feel it wasn't quite time to cash in my chips.  I have always known that Sharon and Jane were special; like desert flowers, our connections bloom instantly no matter when we connect, even if there has been a long drought between phone calls.  I understand that their souls are key players in my Sacred Contract.  Without them, I would not have hung around this world long enough to "wake up" to the fact that my life has a purpose.

My college years brought different experiences.  Away from the small town where I felt pigeon holed as a pariah, I was free to be myself without fear of judgment.  I was able to show aspects of my personality that I'd kept hidden and people actually liked me for who I was.  I made so many new friends by showing my true colors.  I blossomed in this environment and began to love life for the first time.  There are countless people I could name and credit as players in this chapter of my life.  Most of us have long since parted ways but the joy and gifts they brought clearly shaped the person I am today.

Even before my near death experience (NDE,) I knew that my husband, David, and I were meant to be together.  Our story eclipses When Harry Met Sally and someday I will write about it in detail, but suffice it to say for the purpose of this post, that before I truly believed in such things, I KNEW our relationship was divinely orchestrated.  I did everything I could to make it impossible for him to love me, yet he knew we would make a great team....and he hung around in the background, quite literally for years, until I came to my senses.  I have always loved David, even before I knew it and our love has expanded beyond my wildest imagination over the decades.  Countless aspects of myself have grown immeasurably just by being a part of David's world......but that is a long story for another day.

When I became a mother for the first time, a raft of insecurities set in.  I knew I wanted a different relationship with my daughters than my childhood experience, but I didn't know how to make that happen.  I tried my very best to make different choices with my daughters, but certain patterns were repeated out of ignorance.  The experience of "normal" is certainly a sliding scale, but my point of reference was pretty far from center.  I reached out to other moms for some pretty basic "how to" guidance when I could sense things just weren't right for my girls.  There have been many souls who must have agreed to help me improve my parenting skills, but Jenna, Judy, Kelly and Laura STILL offer support, guidance and encouragement when doubt and fear race through my mind.  These ladies have supported me in countless ways as I struggled to break a cycle.   My daughters may never fully understand, but they had soul agreements with these ladies too.

After my NDE I began to realize how drastically fear had shaped my life.  There were parts of my world  I blocked out completely because I was afraid.  I wanted very little to do with Washington, Missouri, the town where I'd grown up, especially my classmates.  I avoided class reunions at all costs and would go out of my way to avoid schoolmates when I had to be in town for a funeral or wedding.  I was pretty sure as adults, my classmates wouldn't spit on me again, but I believed they'd insult me or even worse, ignore me  so I played it safe, blending into the background, hoping to be invisible.  I was "safe" but I'd also blocked souls with whom mine had agreements waiting to be fulfilled.  

Not long after my NDE, I received an invitation to my 30 year class reunion.  Instead of throwing it in the trash, ruminating on painful memories, I decided to test my strength by walking straight into this fire.  I accepted the invitation in more than one way.  Armed with the protection of an absolutely killer dress, a small circle of friends and a couple of stiff drinks, I made my way to the reunion.  Walking through the door, I mentally repeated my goal: greet each classmate with a genuine determination to see who he or she has become and put all hurt behind me.  I believe I said, at the very least, "hello" to everyone and when possible, I conversed, sincerely interested in seeing this person's journey from my soul's perspective.  A few people hadn't changed at all as far as I could tell, but largely, I found acceptance.  Genuine smiles and warm embraces were offered more often than not.  It took a LOT of courage for me to face the demons in my head that night, but I found so much joy in return for my effort.  I erased a lot of fears and released myself from the painful thoughts that had bound me for many years.  Furthermore, without even knowing, I'd opened the door to souls with whom mine had "agreements." 

After the class reunion, there were lots of friend requests on Facebook.  Prior to the reunion, I'd intentionally kept my friend group pretty small, but now I accepted friend requests from friends of friends and some I couldn't imagine would ever want to be my friend.  Some I'd hardly known, may never have spoken to in high school, were now asking to be a part of my circle and I accepted.  I understand that some people may get an egoic boost from increasing their numbers of Facebook friends, but I went with my heart.  It felt good to drop the fear and bitterness......and some really amazing experiences unfolded as a result. 

Through a Facebook faux pas, I said something completely inappropriate to Karen as she was going through a profound challenge in her life.  I was Karen's classmate since the earliest days of grade school but I didn't know her at all.  I quickly apologized through a private message to Karen.  In my apology, quickly typed, but sincere, she truly found comfort.  I had no way of knowing my words would resonate with her so strongly.  We exchanged e-mail addresses and began to communicate regularly.  We decided to attend a seminar together one afternoon and Karen invited another classmate, Gloria to join us.  Gloria and I realized we had never even spoken to one another in high school.  Our one hour-long drive to the seminar was filled with discussion on what we recalled of each other from high school and how our own thoughts just didn't match up with the others' realities.  Each of us are facing challenges and as it turned out, we each had something quite valuable to share to aid the others' healing processes.  Without a doubt, our souls had agreements to be fulfilled.  Two years ago I would have laughed if you'd told me I'd be planning a trip to the wineries with them next month!

Anne and Sally are two other classmates with whom I believe my soul made agreements.  Also through Facebook, in some of my more personal posts, they each reached out to me in their own way.  I had a terrible inferiority complex in high school and it never occurred to me that these very popular girls, cheerleaders who seemed to me to have the world of St. Francis Borgia High School on a string, actually had a more positive view of me than I had of myself back in those very dark days.  I am grateful for the positive reinforcement they routinely offer now and I wonder, if my ego hadn't run my life so completely back then, might I have found strength in relationships with them in high school?

Then, there is Paula.  Paula was a life-long friend of Sharon's, one I just never took time to get to know.  Again, through Facebook, Paula and I connected and it seemed at first like we might have the standard "Hi, great to see you again!" sort of relationship, but it quickly took a drastic turn.  A few months after our "friending," Paula experienced a most dreadful tragedy.  I felt inexplicably compelled to share some deeply personal thoughts with Paula.  As with Karen, something I wrote found its mark with Paula and our relationship took off from there.  Now I feel she is a friend I have known since the beginning of time, yet it's been only a year or so since we connected.  Paula came into town from Virginia this summer and I was fortunate to spend a day with her and Sharon.  We shared so much, a lifetime of friendship was compacted into roughly 12 hours.  Definitely, Paula and I had a contract that needed to be fulfilled, my heart knows this with certainty.

Paula, Sharon and I share a bottle of wine.

After 32 years, toasting friends both old and "new."

But yeah, lots of people have reconnected over Facebook and maybe my stories aren't compelling evidence of predestined soul agreements.  Let's try another example...Diane McGuire, my "intuitive hair artist!"  (Please don't judge Diane's artistic gifts by my hair!  Diane does an amazing job with my crazy locks and nobody can hold a candle to her work.....I just can't replicate her work in the comfort of my own bathroom. Ha ha!)

Having a particularly bad hair day, I got Diane's name from Darlene at Creve Coeur Watch and Jewelry.  (Darlene is the same friend who put me in contact with my spiritual guru, Josephine.  Clearly, Darlene and I had an agreement as well!)  Diane and I hit it off like long lost friends from day one.  She is like my twin except she has super-cute, STRAIGHT hair.  We have similar (unconventional!) ideas on everything.....it's bizarre.  Every time I go to Diane, some amazing coincidences crop up.  Incredible as these things are, they aren't really blog worthy; coincidences kinda happen to everybody, right?  Still, it's always in the back of my mind...."What's going to surface THIS TIME when I get a hair cut?"  One day in May, when Diane was cutting my daughter's hair, we talked about movies and she said About Schmidt was one of her favorites.  I had never even heard of this movie, but made a mental note that I'd like to see it....Would it be on Netflix?  After her haircut, Paige and I went to the Goodwill.  We walked aimlessly, you just never know what might strike your fancy!  Claire had recently gotten a turntable and Paige suggested looking through the vinyl for something Claire might like.  In the media section as I was rifling through the albums, Paige said "Hey mom!  Isn't that the movie Diane just said we should see?"  Sure enough, there right in front, the first DVD in the stack, was About Schmidt!  CRAZY!  Shivers still running up my spine, we went to the checkout counter.  Who was in front of us in line?  DIANE!  We laughed, acknowledging that there just IS something between us.  

I went to Diane for some awesome "sun glitz" a couple weeks ago.  I was really excited to share some big news with her.  I'm taking a big step off my safe and secure path of tried and true.  I've signed up for Martha Beck's Life Coach Training!  (More about that in next month's post.)  When I arrived, she proudly presented me with her new brochure on the spiritual / life coaching business she and her husband have created together.  I had to laugh.  We've never discussed this similar goal, yet here we are stepping off onto the same path, at the same time.  Of course, I should have KNOWN this!  Diane and I are nothing if not on the same path!  Diane and Daniel make an amazing team and their history together is so rich.  I am thrilled for them and all of their clients, present and potential, knowing that their blessings will inevitably enrich my life as well.  This is just how it works for Diane and me; it's how the agreement between our souls works. I hope to fully understand our "pact" one day, but for now I simply appreciate the fact that every visit with Diane is guaranteed to strengthen my belief in the profound presence beyond the material realm which orchestrates our lives.

In retrospect, many soul agreements are crystal clear.  I'd love to give a shout out to each and every one that accepted the challenge of participating in my life.  For many years I was an extremely difficult person and brave were the souls who stepped up to the plate for me. One day I will write a book about all the twists and turns of my journey; joys created through sorrow, wisdom from pain, and peace, the "peace which passeth understanding" I was blessed to find when I so briefly tasted the beauty of death.  None of the highs could ever have been without the corresponding lows and all along the way there were souls who'd agreed to play their part.  Whether they agreed to knock me down or help me back to my feet. I owe each and every one a debt of gratitude for helping me reach this vantage point, this top of the world perspective that is mine when I choose to open my eyes. 


Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!

(Note:  If you want the best haircut of your life, do yourself a favor and call Diane McGuire at Intuitive Hair... 314.974.8175.  You'll feel great about your hair and, heck, life in general when you step out of her salon!)

Reunited Though We'd Never Met

As soon as I regained normal consciousness after my near death experience (NDE,)  I instantly recognized the thoughts going through my mind.  You know, the little voice that says things like "Your hair looks like a rat's nest," "You're so clumsy," and "You could never do that!"  Suddenly, the frequency of this voice had been tuned in clearly and the volume turned up.  I had no choice but to hear the fear mongering, confidence devastating comments "I" had for myself.

Instantly I saw how cruel I was to myself, holding myself to unrealistic standards of perfection.  Just as quickly as I'd begun to "hear" these thoughts, I also found myself analyzing them.  Why do I think this?  Where did this thought come from?  Do I really believe it?  This thought analysis flowed effortlessly and I saw that unhealthy experiences from long ago were still affecting me through distorted, unrecognized thought patterns.

This voice in my head was just as critical of others.  Worst of all I realized I'd planted the seeds of perfectionism in my beautiful daughters.  Within hours of my NDE, I'd begun a mental list of amends I'd need to make with my children, husband and many others.  Intolerance creates so much pain.  I wanted all my relationships to be based on complete acceptance and honesty from now on.

I finally accepted that I can never BE perfect.  I am human....  My NDE showed me that I am not my body; not the thoughts in my mind nor am I my mind.  I am, and we are all, individual pieces of the One Spirit spending a very brief time in a physical world.  This process of learning, and failing along the way, is the very nature of creation.  It's the means by which we learn to love unconditionally.....learn to love each other just because we ARE.....and this love will, one day, create absolute unity, the Oneness I'd witnessed in my NDE.

With this knowing, it became easier to forgive.  By the grace of God, I'd received a beautiful gift.  It helped me realize that I can't hold those who hurt me accountable for their actions.  They don't understand.  They haven't seen what has been revealed to me.

With forgiveness, healing began to occur on every level, physical, mental and emotional.  The message that countless priests had tried to impart during innumerable homilies finally settled in. As I released my greatest grudges, I felt like the Grinch on Christmas morning....my heart opened up and it grew with each burden I unloaded.  

While forgiveness comes more easily now, forgetting???...not so much.  There is a reason the human mind has the capacity to recall.  Memory allows us to imagine what will happen next based on previous experiences.  This keeps us safe and helps us achieve our goals.  While I can forgive others, my memories create fear and I have created protective barriers I remain sheltered within.  As my emotional wounds heal, I am beginning to discern when it is safe to step out of my shelter.  When I feel strong, I look for opportunities to do good to those who have hurt me.  On these occasions when I am brave enough to try, I might receive a sign that pats me on the back, urging me to continue the quest for soul growth.  

The ties with my birth family were severed on September 3, 2011, the night of my NDE.  I had known for years that I needed to remove myself for my own good, but I allowed societal norms to over-ride my gut instinct.  My mother cut the ties for me that night and I am eternally grateful to her for changing the course of my life.  In gratitude I have found forgiveness, but memories and fears still remain.  Working through these fears, I find more healing and personal growth.

On Thursday, September 19, 2013, I accepted a challenge from my higher Self to conquer another fear.  I was rewarded with more synchronicity and serendipity.  Through a distant relative, one of two brave souls in the family strong enough to bear the repercussions of maintaining a relationship with me, I learned that my father had been hospitalized in Washington, Missouri.  After meditation this particular morning, I decided to take some photos of my daughters out to him.  I called my boss and took the day off.  I told no one where I was going, not even my husband, David.

I drove to Washington, mentally preparing for the challenge of walking into a room where I was not welcome.  I parked the car in the hospital lot and prayed for strength.  Slowly, I walked into the hospital, focusing on each step, trying to remain "in the moment" and balanced, trying to stem the tide of the fear welling up in the pit of my stomach.  Breathe Nancy, breathe, I repeated to myself.

As I walked into the hospital I realized I didn't know the room number.  I went to the front desk and asked the receptionist for this information.  Another woman was standing there; she had been visiting with the desk attendant.  I did not know the visiting woman.  When she heard my father's name, she asked about my mother....was I her daughter?  My heart pounded and my head began to spin, how should I answer this seemingly simple question?  Many possible answers popped into my mind.... "At one time I was?"  "Yes, but I am estranged?"  I finally forced out a simple, "Yes."  She introduced herself by name and explained she knew my mother.  Also in the process of giving birth, she had shared the labor room with my mother in this very hospital when I was being born; in those days it was called St. Francis Hospital.  Then I recalled my mother speaking of this woman.  She'd given her daughter an unusual name that I clearly recalled.  This was unbelievable!  This stranger was with me the day I was born and our paths didn't cross again for another 49 years when, "by chance," we met in the same hospital, now called Mercy Hospital, where our paths had first crossed.  The thought occurred to me that she was present during my physical birth and here she was again as I was birthing a stronger version of myself.  We spoke briefly and it felt surreal.  There were so many questions that came to mind but I needed to continue my journey, so I moved on.  Alone in the elevator, I felt a sense of gratitude.  I wasn't entirely sure what this "coincidence" meant, but there was no denying that the brief reunion deeply affected me.

The elevator stopped, I took a deep breath and walked down the hallway.  When I arrived at my father's room, from the hallway I could see he was alone.  I breathed a sigh of relief and walked into his room.  Things were a bit awkward for us but we were generally happy to see one another.  I gave him the photos and we discussed my daughters; it was almost pleasant.  Then my mother arrived and my emotional balancing act came undone.  My heart began to race, my head was spinning; I was shaking violently inside.  It took all my strength to remain standing.  As anticipated, though the emotional tension was palpable, we pretended September 3, 2011 never happened.  She spoke pleasant words, said it was nice to see me.  I lied and said the same to her.  Small talk ensued and what could not possibly have been more than ten minutes seemed to last an eternity.  My father's lunch arrived and I was invited to stay.  Fear was bearing down on me and I knew I could not maintain my composure for much longer so I declined the invitation and excused myself, saying goodbye.  I wanted to run down the hall, afraid I was going to vomit.  Trying to maintain some semblance of respectability, I did a sort of speed-walk to the nearest restroom, ran to the first stall and fell apart.  I wept violently yet silently, not wanting to attract attention.  I have no idea how much time passed but it seemed an eternity until I could collect myself enough to move out of the restroom.  Eventually I felt strong enough to walk and headed for the security of my beloved little red car waiting for me in the lot.

In the lobby, I assessed my physical state and realized I was in absolutely no condition to drive.  I found a park bench outside and sat down.  I let the sun shine on my face and breathed deeply.  I used every technique I've ever learned to calm and center myself.  I was not particularly proud that I'd lost my composure but I was happy I'd pushed beyond the limits of my comfort zone.  It was tremendously difficult, but I did it.  Could I have done better?  Yes.  Was it the best I could do at that time?  Absolutely.

Finally calming down, I checked my messages and found something unexpected.  An uncle had included me on an e-mail!  It was distributed family-wide, updating everyone on my father's health status.  Never before had this happened.  To have contact with me is akin to aiding and abetting the enemy so this seemed to me a brave act on his part.   I was grateful for this small acknowledgement that I might matter to him.  This has never again happened, so perhaps I was an accidental inclusion in the distribution list that day.  Still, I felt it was another nod of approval.  I closed my eyes and felt a sense of gratitude welling up within me and just then my phone rang.  It was David.  He asked if I would like some company for the afternoon; the idea of leaving work to "hang out" had just come to him out of the blue.  He had absolutely no idea where I was.  There was nothing in the world I needed more than to be with him, in his comforting presence.  I told him where I was, what I'd experienced and that his timing was pure synchronicity.

I drove home slowly, still wobbly from the day's events and David met me there.  Over a couple of drinks, we talked for hours.  We talked about the tremendous, invisible force called fear and the greater power of the intentional will that brings desired change.  Where fears once unconsciously guided me, intention now drives me toward purposeful goals and it is the power of will and determination that bring strength and courage through grace when I need it most.   The serendipity and synchronicity of the day were signs to me that my actions were good but also that they were divinely orchestrated.  I'd accomplished a significant personal goal that day, but I wasn't alone in the process.  Completely drained but at peace, I was grateful for the grace that had carried me and the signs I'd been blessed with all through the day.  Once again, I found myself wondering........"Just how amazing IS this thing called life?!"

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!

Ask and You Shall Receive...and receive and receive and receive.......

Life is a series of opportunities to figure out who we are and why we are here.  I will admit, I spent the first 47 years of my life, more or less, in complete ignorance of this fact.  I blindly clung to a set of hand-me-down beliefs, both formally taught and unconsciously absorbed as an indiscriminate child.  I tried to follow the "rules" to lead a "good" life.  Yet time and again, life shook things up, presenting difficult decisions.  There were only ever two choices, really.  1) Struggle to remain on course;  stay in my comfort zone, knowing the outcome would be some variation of what I'd already experienced, or 2) Let go of my attachment to a desired outcome; step outside the box of self-imposed limitations, make a different choice and see what life wanted to hand me.  The greatest things always happened when I could let go of my ideas and admit that what I had once been so sure was the right way, really wasn't working out at all.  Out of habit and ignorance, I spent most of my life trying to make it go according to my plans; plans to keep things simple and comfortable.  But my Soul wants to grow and growth doesn't come without change and often, discomfort.

I made a decision in August of 2011 that lead to a life-altering experience in September of that year.  (Later, I would understand this was a near death experience, or NDE.  See my first post, January 2014.)  This event clearly illustrated for me that the curve balls in my life had each been a distinct wakeup call from my Soul, patiently waiting for me to open my eyes so I could see the path I was truly meant to follow.

Once I "woke up," I had to deal with some of the darkest days but they too were rich with blessings.  True family and friends revealed themselves.  I humbly acknowledged the mistakes of many years and began making amends wherever possible, lifting great weight off my shoulders.  The serendipity and synchronicity of a more authentic life began unfolding for me with incredible frequency.  I became like a kid in a candy store; always like a child on Christmas morning.  I woke each day asking myself "What is going to happen today?!"

Being a scientist, I wanted to understand how and why my life was changing, mainly because I wanted to hold onto the tremendously deep sense of peace that had settled over my life.  I set out to find answers.  In early 2012 I saw a couple of therapists.  Because their practices revolve around depression and anxiety and because my NDE was from an emotional trauma rather than a physical one, neither doctor recognized that I'd had an NDE.  They saw that my history was emotionally unhealthy and lauded the actions I'd taken to end a toxic cycle for the sake of my children.  They helped me take the first steps in the process of healing the pain born generations before me, to grasp the depth and breadth of this legacy.  They were tremendously helpful but the work of understanding and healing the past seemed retrospective, I had my sights set on a wonderful future.  I felt like a race horse at the starting gate.  I needed to run, but I didn't know which way to go.

In April of 2012, I found my way to Mystic Valley Book Store.  (See my February 2014 post.)  There I found people who could relate to my new "vision."  In June of that same year, I joined a study group, comprised of "seekers" like myself.  The group was amazing and I learned so much from them.  After some months though, something just didn't seem right, I felt I needed to move faster still.  Somehow I knew a new teacher would come to me.  In the fall of 2012, I found myself in Creve Coeur Watch and Jewelry.  Funny thing, the owner, Darlene, knew someone who wanted to teach.  I knew nothing about this new teacher, Josephine, and due to time constraints, starting her class would necessitate cutting ties with the familiar group that had become the biggest part of my new family.   It was an extremely difficult decision but I began classes with Josephine in January 2013.  After my first class, on January 7, I asked God for a sign that I was on the right track, that this was where I needed to be.  The response was loud and clear.

On January 9th after a very long day at work, I hit the sack, completely exhausted.  David was still up watching TV.  As I began to fall asleep, I found myself out in our front yard!  It was very odd.  This was not a dream state.  I could actually FEEL the cold bricks beneath my feet, the prickly feel of the shrubbery on my fingertips.  I was lucid and out of my body!  I had heard of astral projection and thought this must be what was happening.  I walked up the front steps and opened our front door, feeling the cold brass knob in my hand.  In the foyer, I looked around, yes, there were the dusty baseboards.  I walked into the guest bathroom, felt the cold marble, running my hand along the entire length of the vanity.  I wondered...Can I sit down?!  Yep, felt the toilet under me!  Oh wow, this is SOOOO cool!!!  Then I walked into the kitchen.  I wanted to see if I could find the coffee grounds in the basket.......and then David sat down on the bed and brought me back to my normal, waking consciousness.  In a very groggy state, I tried to relate to him what had just happened to me.  I was thrilled and wanted to go "back" again, but fell asleep in the process of trying.

Sometime during the night, I had a dream.  The quality of the dream was unusual, a very different "feeling" that I can't describe.  This was a new feeling for me.  In this dream, I was in our family room with two fawns and a big black dog.  I knew they needed to be moved outdoors.  I was not afraid of this unfamiliar dog.  I picked him up under his front legs and my right hand was severely pinched.  It was as if he had bitten me with his "armpit," but intuitively, I knew he did not mean for it to happen.  I released the dog from my hold and looked at it.  We gazed into each other's eyes.  In a telepathic transmission of knowledge (which I'd also never experienced before) the dog quite clearly said to me "I am sorry I hurt you.  I didn't WANT to do it, but I HAD to."  Even in this dream state, I was completely amazed that this dog could communicate with me, using only our minds.  Then, in my dream, I lead the two fawns out into our back yard, encouraging them to move away, where they needed to go.

I awoke from this dream still feeling a tremendous sense of connection to this dog.....this was not just a dream.  It was significant and I needed to understand it.  I sat up in bed, looking out into the darkness, trying to understand the message I'd just received.  It was then that the vision appeared.  With my eyes open, I saw the most bizarre vision I'd seen in my life to that point.  Shattered shards of thick glass, with electrified edges surrounded me.  The shards were a variety of muted colors and the edges coursed with currents of visible electricity....like lightning around the edges of each piece.  The pieces then came flying together to form a picture in front of me.  It was a cartoon "drawing" of a man dressed in 1940's attire.  He looked like Dick Tracy from the old comic strips.  I blinked my eyes.....What in the world is happening to me?!?!  When my eyes were closed, the vision remained.  Opened eyes.....vision still there.  Then, the "cartoon" shattered again, back into a million electrified pieces around me.  The tiny electric glass bits came together again to reveal the same "Dick Tracy" sort of man, but this time in another pose.  Again and again, the electrified glass shattered and came together, reforming to create picture after picture for me.  Sometimes it would be more than one character, other times, just the man, but always, in the cartoon style.  I can't tell you how long this vision state lasted.  I blinked, shook my head, tried everything I could to control this vision, but I couldn't.  Then, just as suddenly as it had come to me, it was gone.  I blinked, shook my head, did everything I could think of to make it come back, but it was not to be.

I was shaken up.  The dog and the vision were pulsing in my mind.  These were profound experiences for me.  I was completely confused and somewhat frightened.  I woke David up and with as much coherence as I could muster in this condition, tried to relate the experiences to him.  He just held me until I was able to fall asleep.  

I slept through the rest of the night, and awoke feeling like a different person, although, again, I can't really explain how I'd changed.  I got out of bed and furiously began journaling the night's experiences.  I had to recall every detail and try to understand......the astral projection, the dog in my dream, the vision.....so much to digest.  

As I got dressed for work, I felt like I was on a different plane.  Everything was a bit surreal and fuzzy for me still.  I felt like I was actually WATCHING myself go through my morning routine.  As I packed my lunch for work, my youngest daughter came to the kitchen for breakfast.  She said "Mom, I had the coolest dream last night!  You were leading two baby deer in the back yard!  They were so cute!"  You could have knocked me over with a feather.  We'd shared parts of the same dream!  I'd heard of mutual dreaming, but had never experienced it.  I was shaking again.  This was incredible! 

So much to process.  My mind couldn't focus.  All day I was lost in thought about everything that happened over the course of roughly eight hours the night before....how and why?!  Then it came to me.  Three days before, I'd asked for a sign that I was on the right track.  I'd received not one but FOUR signs.  For me, these were signs of expanding consciousness.  Everything I'd been learning about the mind and connection to our Creator (God, Source, etc.,) was beginning to tangibly reveal itself to me in remarkable ways and all I had to do was ask.

Once again, I'd been richly rewarded for stepping out of my comfort zone.  I am nothing if not a creature of habit, but I followed my gut, took a chance, made a change where the outcome was far from certain and the end result was beyond my wildest dreams....literally!  I'm beginning to recognize the signs "life" gives me when I'm stubbornly pushing my own agenda, when I need to adjust my course, when my plan isn't THE plan.  I'm beginning to trust that part of me that can't logically be explained and slowly learning to let go of the reins with the belief that things will work out for the best.  I think this is what "Thy will be done" means for me! 

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!

The Angels said "Get Coffee!"

There are times in your life when you know you will meet a lot of new people; during college years, employment changes, and relocations to name a few. A near death experience doesn't come to mind as one of those times, but several of the most remarkable people have come into my life through seemingly “random happenstance” since my NDE on September 3, 2011.  But I know these weren't "random" meetings.  They were Divinely timed and orchestrated events between the seeker in me and spiritual teachers I needed at very specific points in my life.  Some remain by my side to this day, guiding me through formal studies to deeper levels of self-realization.  Others have been momentary acquaintances who have marked my life indelibly with words they could never have known I so desperately needed to hear in the brief moments we shared.

I had a standing appointment with my spiritual teacher on Friday mornings for several months.  We’d meet for a couple of hours at her house in the City (St. Louis) where she would share her wisdom, tirelessly making every effort to help me understand and consciously utilize my intuitive abilities.  Everyone has these abilities, but in order to recognize them, self-awareness is crucial.  In the process of self-discovery, unresolved (sometimes long forgotten) issues began to surface for me and so, out of necessity, my lessons expanded to include therapy.  Some days I would leave “class” feeling overwhelmed with the amount of painful, deeply personal “work” necessary to achieve the state of consciousness I seek.  I want to experience great leaps toward expanded consciousness, complete with sure, visible signs that I am on the right track!!  I experienced this invaluable gift with my NDE and expected progress would continue, just as effortlessly, at that same warp speed, but progress seemed to slow to a crawl.

After one Friday morning session, when I was especially down, feeling as though my hard work was getting me nowhere, my teacher reminded me that I need to invoke the help of my angels more often.  They will guide me if I ask…..and listen.  And so, I did.  I got in my car, feeling both frustrated and determined.  I looked around to make sure nobody was going to see me talking to myself and I said “Okay, angels, what do you want me to do?!”  Nothing came to me, no lightning bolt or tap on the shoulder so I started the car and began driving east on Arsenal Street.

A little bit of back story.....  On the evening of my very first class at the home of my teacher, coming from work, I had a few minutes to kill.  I saw a coffee shop, Benton Park Café.  I thought a cup of coffee would be nice but I couldn’t find a convenient parking spot so I kept driving.  About half a block past the cafe, I felt compelled to turn around and try again.  Sure enough, I found a spot near the front door.  I got a cup of coffee and found this space especially appealing but hurried off so I wouldn’t keep my teacher waiting.

Subsequently, every Friday morning after “class,” I felt an unexplainable urge to go to a coffee shop.  Having lived in the City for many years, there were a few familiar choices within a reasonable distance, so I tried them over the course of several weeks.  I had the idea (logically, in my mind, not my gut) that I would randomly reconnect, with an old City friend in a way that would surely indicate Divine assistance.  For several weeks, I'd just read a book while drinking my coffee, waiting for this unknown, random friend to pop up….. Hartford Coffee Company, Bread Co on Grand Avenue, Shaw Coffee….zilch.  Nothing special ever came of those ventures so I thought I’d move out of my comfort zone.  The “Minnesota Friends” from previous posts highly recommended Sump, at the corner of Jefferson and Winnebago, so I gave that a shot.  I got a sense of “You’re getting closer!” when I saw they served a cup called “Kyoto.”  David and I visited Kyoto, Japan together in December 2012 and there is deeply spiritual significance for us in this city.  I ordered the Kyoto and was immediately transported back to this holy city with the first sip.  I am no connoisseur of coffee, I could not tell you what “hint,” “note” or “flavor” I detected, but I was amazed that flavor alone could stir me in this way.  Still, I knew, this was just a mile marker for me, not the ultimate destination where I was being called.

Back to talking to my angels in the car..….  As I was heading east on Arsenal Street, I began making a left turn onto Jefferson Avenue, heading for home.  Mid-way through the turn, in the middle of the intersection, I knew I HAD to go to Benton Park Cafe.  Thankfully there was no oncoming traffic (nor police nearby) so I whipped the car back onto Arsenal continuing east to Benton Park Cafe.  I had no idea what to expect, but knew this is where I needed to be.  I found a parking spot right by the front door, quite a feat in the City, on-street parking only. 

When I arrived, there was only one seat available in the entire shop, it was at the counter.  The waitress hesitantly asked me if I minded sitting there.  I thought, why not?!  I put my book down on the stool and the very ordinary looking gentleman dressed in athletic wear on the next stool quickly gathered his things that had migrated onto the counter-top territory which I had just claimed.  I assured him I didn’t need much room, only getting a coffee.  I scanned the crowd for a sign….why was I here? 

I ordered coffee as new my neighbor got his doggy bag from the waitress.  He explained that he was taking it home to his two dogs as he does every Friday morning.  Being a dog lover, I asked about his dogs and the conversation took off.  He told me about his dogs, showing me their photos on his phone.  We introduced ourselves.  He was Jon C.  (He is unaware of this blog post, so I won’t use his last name, but suffice it to say I have looked him up and verified much of the info he gave me.)  Jon flipped through all of the dog photos and unintentionally beyond.  I saw a picture of him on the set of the TV show Dallas!  How did he end up there?!  Being self-employed, his business takes him all around the country and he just wound up being an extra on the set!  How strange is that?!  I learned his business is located in Florida, but he finds it easier to run from the center of the country.  He really likes the City of Saint Louis, so he keeps a home in the Soulard neighborhood.  We continued the talk about dogs.  He’d rescued them; one came from a man he'd been helping through the struggles of a drug addiction.  This seemed interesting to me.  I wanted to know more but didn’t want to be nosy.  

We talked a bit about his business, then he asked “What do you do?”  I paused for a very long time, chuckled and said “I don’t know anymore.”  He was curious, so I explained I’d had a “life-altering experience” and am trying to figure out who I am in the aftermath.  His demeanor changed and he asked if I would share details.  Trying not to be dramatic, I summarized that I’d had a NDE, experienced “Oneness” through that event and now I am on the quest to make that my permanent state of Being.  I said I am studying metaphysics, doing my best to apply what I’m learning to my daily life and slowly, but surely, understanding what life is really about.  Jon stopped me at that point.  He said he knew exactly what I experienced as soon as I’d used the word “Oneness.”  He’d been there, too!  Jon had a rough start to life and also a critical turning point.  We talked for quite some time about our experiences.  You can’t put them into words, yet best efforts with fantastical phrases and even use of words that aren’t really words, made it clear that we’d both had the same experience.  It created a strong sense of familiarity between us, a relationship that could not have been with any other person in the coffee shop that morning.  Our meeting was pre-destined and we knew it.

Making this connection opened the door to a much deeper conversation.  I learned Jon was very much down on his luck at one point.  He now runs a very lucrative business, yet it means little to him.  His passion and purpose in life is helping those who are in need.  Jon just recognizes them when he sees them……and this is how he came to own the big black dog that started our conversation in the first place.  Jon’s self-healing came through a program called Life Cleanout.  (I found his photo on the testimonials page at Lifecleanout.com when I got home.)  Jon told me he was the inspiration for the book, Healing Alex, written by Life Cleanout founder, Gary Sinclair.  Jon said Gary gave him a shout out on the cover of the book.  Jon is symbolized by the boy and his black dog….like the one I’d seen in the pictures on Jon’s phone.

I confessed to Jon that I was really feeling down; like my spiritual progress had come to a standstill even with tremendous amounts of hard work.  Jon carefully chose his words and reminded me that I am “awake” now; I will progress at the right pace for me, no matter how hard I push.  I need to sit back and just allow it to happen, let it flow to me while opening my heart and listening instead of trying to direct my life.  I could never have MADE our paths cross, yet, it happened effortlessly.  Couldn’t I see I was guided exactly where I needed to be??  I spent maybe 30 minutes of my life with Jon yet there was a tremendous connection.  We parted ways with the warm embrace of old and dear friends who may never see each other again, then he headed out the door with his doggy bag.  He’d just helped another person in need.

Besides the obvious reminder to stop trying to force things to happen, my interaction with Jon was the perfect reminder that we all have the potential to be a light in the darkness for someone.  A little smile or kind words to a perfect stranger may be just what is needed in that moment.  It really is just that simple yet I can find so many ways to complicate things by pushing my own agenda.

My faith had been lagging and Jon boosted me up.  I received an incredibly special gift in the form of my NDE but not every day will yield such tangible evidence of my spiritual progress.  I need to believe even when I can’t “see.”   Progress will be evident over time, but I must be patient, with faith.  I’ll have accomplished days and those when I flat out fail, but still, I am moving in the right direction.  Each day I am guided toward opportunities where I can either be an example of love or learn how to love; I can give of myself or maybe I will receive.  Each day is a dance of the yin and yang of the Universe.  I try to see life from this higher perspective but sometimes I simply have to ask my angels to lead me.  I will get where I need to be in life, but I have to let go of the idea that I am in control.  Easier said than done!!!

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!