John Mellencamp....... I've been a fan since 1979 when he was John Cougar. A freshman in high school, I bought his self-titled album with my babysitting money for the hit song, I Need a Lover. Always one to take the path less traveled, the non-charting songs on the album quickly gained favor with me over the popular song getting airplay. Maybe it was the old soul in me, but even at the age of 15, The Great Midwest felt truthful to me.
Well, I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth
So I can't talk about the big city hi-life
You wanna talk about bein' bored and runnin'
Away from yourself, hell, I can talk to you all night
And they call this the Great Midwest
Where livin' is just gettin' by
And people, they trade in their happiness
For a smokestack, a big money deal in the sky
John matured as an artist and I remained a big fan. Through the years when he struggled to remain true to his essential self, the record companies trying to mold him into who they wanted him to be, he managed to impart soul-felt lyrics to the music that was demanded of him. Scarecrow, admittedly one of my least favorite of his albums, still holds sacred space on my shelf for lyrics probably overlooked by the masses. The song Minutes to Memories came to me as I meditated on putting my feelings into words for this post.
The old man kept talking 'bout his life and his times
He fell asleep with his head against the window
He said an honest man's pillow is his peace of mind
This world offers riches and riches will grow wings
I don't take stock in those uncertain things
"...an honest man's pillow is his peace of mind..." As a much younger single woman, with my own apartment in "the big city," juggling boyfriends and trying to decide which dance club to hit on Saturday night, I sang these lyrics, never considering their meaning.....not even while lying awake in the week hours of the night as a chronic insomniac.
Life was going as it "should" for a 20-something in the '80's. I'd worked hard for a challenging college degree, had a career in the field of my choice, was making good money, had my own apartment and was on my way to being married. But meeting all the requisite "shoulds" for an "'80's lady" was about as far out of alignment as possible with my true Self. Most nights, I was awake struggling to put my finger on what was troubling me. In retrospect, it was my soul screaming YOU ARE ABOUT TO MARRY THE WRONG MAN! My true soul mate, a "bad boy" with a devil-may-care approach to life had captured my heart but I couldn't imagine him in the future I'd carefully orchestrated in my mind. Since I couldn't understand what my heart was saying in those long, sleepless nights, my Higher Self took action and drastically changed the course of my life. (Looong story for another day....) My plans were crushed and I was brought to my knees, humbled as never before. Thank God for small favors....but I still hadn't learned to listen to my heart.
Decades passed and life unfolded with beauty I could not have foreseen. The "bad boy" became my husband, our love growing stronger with the years. My children....I couldn't ask for more than the two beautiful babies who have grown into amazing young women. By all accounts my life was a dream and I was grateful for every moment with the beautiful family I'd been blessed with. Still, I was an insomniac.
I tried everything. Going to bed at the same time every night. No watching TV before bed. Eliminating caffeine. No exercising or eating before bed. Keeping the bedroom cool and dark. Melatonin. Lunesta. Ambien. None of this worked for me. I was operating in a state of sleep deprivation. I couldn't focus, my memory was shot. Simultaneously and not coincidentally, forces outside the boundaries of my happy little family were becoming unmanageable for me. In 2010, an anxiety attack presenting symptoms of a heart attack got my attention very quickly.
"...an honest man's pillow is his peace of mind..." You can't sleep, the doctor mused. Is something bothering you? Are you worried about something? Is something on your mind? No, not especially. Everybody has problems; I didn't see myself as extraordinarily burdened, I just couldn't sleep! Yet, a few razor sharp questions, wielded as skillfully as a surgeon's scalpel, began to expose lies I'd been telling myself. There were many things bothering me to a great extent but I'd buried my anger to keep "peace" in certain relationships. Denying my emotions had created a giant ball of stress which was more than my body could handle. It was reacting in a violent way to get my attention. How in the world could I possibly control my stress level?! These problems, insomnia included, seemed beyond my control. I couldn't see that I'd created these problems all by myself. I'd always had choices and I'd chosen to create a prison for myself constructed of "have to's" and "shoulds."
Aside: For those unfamiliar with my story, you may like to read previous posts, but here is a condensed version for purposes of this post. In 2011, I reached a breaking point. I was brutally honest with my father about my feelings and asked for changes to create a healthier environment for me and my children. My husband, children and I were quickly disowned. My mother professed in front of extended family, with the subtlety of a flame thrower, that I'd ruined her "entire life," that I needed a psychiatrist and a few other brutally honest insights she'd been harboring all of MY life. I went into a literal state shock, had a near death experience and came back with a much clearer understanding of who I am.
Ever since my NDE, I sleep like a rock. "...an honest man's pillow is his peace of mind..." Now I understand. There is no peace of mind when you disown your Self. For 47 years I'd sought validation from everyone around me and society in general. When I finally stood up for myself and honored my truth I found that pillow called peace of mind and sleep came naturally. Insomnia was a thing of the past.
If I have a restless night now, I generally understand how I've sabotaged myself with too much caffeine or a poorly timed nap. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I recall the rules for insomniacs...I "Don't look at the clock" and "Don't get up to play on the computer/phone" to kill the time, etc.
So, on December 9th, I went to bed as usual. After a busy and productive day, exhausted, I was asleep moments after my head hit the pillow. My last thoughts were of my daughter's arrival for Christmas break, scheduled for the following morning. In a matter of hours, the shuttle would arrive at her dorm and she'd start the 900 mile journey back home to Saint Louis. Getting an early start on the east coast, I'd be picking her up from the airport at 9:30 a.m.
I woke up very early, tossing and turning. I fought the urge for a long time but eventually checked the clock. It was about 12:30 a.m. This was odd, but I chalked it up to excitement about my daughter coming home. I was awake for quite some time; my tricks for quieting the mind just weren't working. Eventually I fell back to sleep.
Again I awoke. This was frustrating! I needed to get my sleep so I could accomplish everything on the calendar PLUS get my daughter home from the airport. I wanted to spend the day enjoying her company. I lay in bed forcing myself not to look at the clock. I had the thought that I should get up and text my daughter, tell her to be safe and have a great trip home. No. If I got on the phone, I'd surely be up all night......text her...... No. I need to sleep........text her.......No, I must not do that.......text her......Oh, ALRIGHT! I can't stand it, I WILL text her!
I got up out of bed and grabbed my phone. There was a text waiting for me. Perhaps she'd texted to say she was packed and waiting in the dorm lobby?! No.....the text wasn't from her. It was from Southwest Airlines. Her flight had been CANCELED! Oh my gosh! What time is it?! 2:33 a.m. The shuttle would be arriving at her dorm in 27 minutes..... and she had no flight!
I called her, leaving a message asking if she knew her flight had been canceled. Scrambling to my computer, I waited for what seemed an eternity for it to "wake up." Eventually I was able to find a suitable flight, about an hour earlier than first planned but could she make it? Finally, I reached her by phone. The flight cancellation notification from Southwest had not come through to her....yes she could make the earlier flight. I clicked to reserve the ticket and within minutes she was on the shuttle as though her plans had never changed. All was right with the world!
There is no doubt in my mind that an extraordinary force woke me that morning and insisted I get my phone. Was it my intuition? My Guardian Angel? Spirit Guides? My Grandma who died 13 years ago that very day? Someday I hope to be able to discern such things. In any case, without that urging, my daughter may have spent the day the Philadelphia airport rather than surprising her sister at the high school for lunch. I know she could have, and will no doubt one day have to work through hiccups like these on her own, but there's plenty of time for that. As a mother, I just want to make life easier for my children and this opportunity to help my daughter was surely a gift. I felt a sense of tremendous gratitude to whatever benevolent force intervened that morning. I believe that gratitude contains facets of recognition and acknowledgement and I am happy to tip my hat to the Universe for its blessings here in my blog.
In the early days of my awakening, I had profound experiences. They definitely got my attention and lead me to the seeker's path. As I've grown in my spirituality, I recognize that there have always been day-to-day miracles I may have overlooked. While I love those crazy experiences that prompt me to say "You're NEVER going to believe what happened to me!!," it is in recognizing the "ordinary miracles" that I can cultivate greater peace of mind on a daily basis. These small reminders of the presence of the Divine in my life are gifts that encourage me to continue on my journey. As I share my gifted experiences with you, I hope that you may, in turn, recognize your own gifts from the Divine. I would be honored if you would share your gifted experiences in the comments section below.
Emmanuel means "God is with us." During this Holiday season, I wish you endless blessings of peace, joy, and love and may you know that Emmanuel!
This post is dedicated to my sister-in-law, Jill, who is spending her fifth Christmas in Heaven. She was the greatest Mellencamp fan and Christmas tree decorator who ever lived. I'll have a Bloody Mary for you on Christmas, Jill!
Please forgive typos and grammatical errors. This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!
Again I awoke. This was frustrating! I needed to get my sleep so I could accomplish everything on the calendar PLUS get my daughter home from the airport. I wanted to spend the day enjoying her company. I lay in bed forcing myself not to look at the clock. I had the thought that I should get up and text my daughter, tell her to be safe and have a great trip home. No. If I got on the phone, I'd surely be up all night......text her...... No. I need to sleep........text her.......No, I must not do that.......text her......Oh, ALRIGHT! I can't stand it, I WILL text her!
I got up out of bed and grabbed my phone. There was a text waiting for me. Perhaps she'd texted to say she was packed and waiting in the dorm lobby?! No.....the text wasn't from her. It was from Southwest Airlines. Her flight had been CANCELED! Oh my gosh! What time is it?! 2:33 a.m. The shuttle would be arriving at her dorm in 27 minutes..... and she had no flight!
I called her, leaving a message asking if she knew her flight had been canceled. Scrambling to my computer, I waited for what seemed an eternity for it to "wake up." Eventually I was able to find a suitable flight, about an hour earlier than first planned but could she make it? Finally, I reached her by phone. The flight cancellation notification from Southwest had not come through to her....yes she could make the earlier flight. I clicked to reserve the ticket and within minutes she was on the shuttle as though her plans had never changed. All was right with the world!
There is no doubt in my mind that an extraordinary force woke me that morning and insisted I get my phone. Was it my intuition? My Guardian Angel? Spirit Guides? My Grandma who died 13 years ago that very day? Someday I hope to be able to discern such things. In any case, without that urging, my daughter may have spent the day the Philadelphia airport rather than surprising her sister at the high school for lunch. I know she could have, and will no doubt one day have to work through hiccups like these on her own, but there's plenty of time for that. As a mother, I just want to make life easier for my children and this opportunity to help my daughter was surely a gift. I felt a sense of tremendous gratitude to whatever benevolent force intervened that morning. I believe that gratitude contains facets of recognition and acknowledgement and I am happy to tip my hat to the Universe for its blessings here in my blog.
In the early days of my awakening, I had profound experiences. They definitely got my attention and lead me to the seeker's path. As I've grown in my spirituality, I recognize that there have always been day-to-day miracles I may have overlooked. While I love those crazy experiences that prompt me to say "You're NEVER going to believe what happened to me!!," it is in recognizing the "ordinary miracles" that I can cultivate greater peace of mind on a daily basis. These small reminders of the presence of the Divine in my life are gifts that encourage me to continue on my journey. As I share my gifted experiences with you, I hope that you may, in turn, recognize your own gifts from the Divine. I would be honored if you would share your gifted experiences in the comments section below.
Emmanuel means "God is with us." During this Holiday season, I wish you endless blessings of peace, joy, and love and may you know that Emmanuel!
This post is dedicated to my sister-in-law, Jill, who is spending her fifth Christmas in Heaven. She was the greatest Mellencamp fan and Christmas tree decorator who ever lived. I'll have a Bloody Mary for you on Christmas, Jill!
Please forgive typos and grammatical errors. This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!
