I think it is funny that I am no longer afraid of death itself, but "lesser" fears can reduce me to an unconscious state where the fight or flight instinct kicks in. One of my greatest challenges is to overcome this reactive fear. The more practice I am afforded, the more I find I am able to choose the highest road I can imagine.
Sometimes the high road isn't so obvious to me. Being nothing if not an over-analyzer, I can become paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong choice, dwelling on options for far too long. Lately, I've been getting outside assistance, in ways that seem magical to me. These experiences gently guided me in the direction of my heart when my head was busy spinning in circles of fear.
I've been invited to a few extended family events since my NDE. [If you're new to my blog, I am no longer a part of my birth family since my NDE.] It was always with sadness that I declined the invitations, but I didn't want another family event, especially a beautiful wedding, marred by ugliness.
When my favorite uncle turned 70, I received an invitation to his party on July 27th, 2013. I felt a strong urge to attend but this was not without trepidation. I contacted a sympathetic cousin for help. She agreed to notify me by text on the day of the party as soon as "the coast was clear." I thought it over and eventually RSVP'd; David and I would attend. As soon as I committed to this decision, I was overwhelmed with fear. This was the first time I'd see most of these family members since my NDE. What if they believed the ugly things being said about me? Would they be mean-spirited? More importantly, would caring family members be subject to the passive aggression that hometown friends were experiencing from my "family?" What if? What if? What if?
The "Birthday Uncle" had been married to my mother's youngest sister, who died very young and suddenly. I'd always felt very close to her, a special bond that was felt but never spoken. On July 16, 2013, my Aunt came to me in a dream I will never forget. The quality of the dream was vastly different from my "normal" dreams. In this dream, there was nothing but white. She appeared to me out of nowhere, wearing a sweatshirt and jeans, casual as always, as if she were heading to the barn to feed her horses. She looked so happy and gave me one of her big, beautiful, heartwarming smiles; there was a twinkle in her eyes I'd seen many times. Then she hugged me tightly and I understood; she was telling me to go the party..... and then she vanished. I woke up with a tremendous sense of peace. This was my first visitation dream.
What is a visitation dream? There are several characteristics. If you have to ask if it was a visitation, it probably wasn't. Visitation dreams feel incredibly real and because they are so vivid you will likely remember them for the rest of your life. The person who appears will be healthy and always behave in a loving manner. Communications are very clear and generally, telepathic. Most messages conveyed in a visitation dream are those of reassurance. When awakening from a visitation dream, the dreamer will be filled with a sense of peace. Check, check check!
I attended the party and was welcomed by everyone. There were lots of hugs. I shed quite a few tears. I don't know if my relatives will ever understand how relieved I was to know that they do not judge me harshly. I was happy I took the "high road" which boosted my confidence tremendously. Rather than avoiding this opportunity for interaction, I'd faced my fears. With a pat on the back from my beautiful, loving Aunt, I'd climbed to higher level of awareness.
On September 12, 2013, I had another visitation dream. This time it was my paternal Grandmother who came to me. Again, in a white hazy fog, I saw her walking by. She was as youthful as I ever remember her being. Her hair was still a mix of salt and pepper. She smiled and waved at me as she walked by. Her smile was shy, bashful; the only one I ever saw her wear while I knew her on this earth. She was a meek and unassuming soul, never the center of attention, but her true beauty shone in those quick glimpses of happiness I'd see when someone would compliment her delicious mahogany cake, home-made donuts on Lenten Fridays or an incredible Thanksgiving meal served to the massive family on makeshift tables in her basement. It was one of these smiles I saw, with a wave directed at me for the duration of the short of the dream. I had no doubt this was a visitation dream, but I didn't really understand what Grandma was trying to tell me.
The following morning, as I meditated, I had a "knowing" that I should go to Washington, Missouri (where I was raised) and walk the riverfront trail. I had this knowing before so I did not question it. While walking the trail, I saw my Grandma's son and his wife approaching. They were both present the night of my NDE and I had not seen either one of them in the two years since that event. I was a bit apprehensive; I'd received mixed signals from various relatives on this side of the family. Then I realized what my Grandma was trying to tell me....I should not be afraid, this would be a good interaction. Then I approached them with confidence. We had a pleasant conversation. My list of friendly relatives expanding, my fears were abating.
October 2013 brought challenges for me in the form of therapy. To become mentally and emotionally healthy, I am peeling away the myriad layers of Band Aids I've unconsciously and subconsciously piled on my wounds. I've done a fair amount of talk therapy since September 2011 but this was different. I began on October 14th. It was both physically and emotionally painful; I was exhausted for days after each session. It dredged up memories I couldn't consciously recall but once raised from the depths of my mind, the memories were clear as a bell and I could easily put them into context. This process was not pleasant in any way. It was the emotional equivalent to re-breaking every bone in my body so they could be set properly. In short, I hated this therapy but I knew it would help me heal.
One week after my first therapy session, on October 21, Jesus came to me in a dream. Sounds incredibly hokey, but it's true. I have never dreamed of God, Jesus, The Creator, etc., much less in a visitation dream. In my dream, I was walking down a well-worn path in a field of tall grass. To my right, I saw a tremendous white-golden light or energy. I turned my head toward this light and briefly glimpsed precisely what my mind conjures up when I think of Jesus. He quickly "floated" behind me, out of my field of vision but I could still see the light. I could not believe my "eyes!" I tried to look at Him again but only the white-gold light/energy was visible. I looked forward, the light/energy moved back to my right shoulder. I turned to the right trying to see Him and again, the light floated behind me. I could always see the light but not His face. I continued walking forward down the path, making no more effort to see His face because clearly this was not part of "the deal." The white-gold light/energy remained by my right shoulder and I could feel His presence the entire time I traveled the path. Then I woke up. I understood. He's by my side as I walk this difficult path toward recovery. I did this therapy for nine months; it never got any easier but I was always comforted by the thought of this special dream I will always cherish.
As I try to find my place in this new world I've awoken to, I have the feeling I need to share what I saw and learned in my NDE. I'm just trying to figure out how to do it! My first real step was in starting this blog. The feedback (mostly private messages and personal conversations) tells me that people are benefiting from hearing about my experiences. This builds confidence in my desire to write a book but I know I'm not ready for that yet. I need to assimilate many experiences before I share them. This book will come to be when the time is right.
People often come to me for advice, but more frequently since my NDE. They express gratitude, telling me my advice has changed them in some way, for the better. I have a hard time accepting gratitude for the words I share; it's almost like I'm a "channel" and the most perfect words come to me effortlessly without any thought whatsoever. If I'd worked for hours developing suggestions for some of the scenarios presented to me, I could never create such thoughtful responses as those that just spill out of my mouth. Maybe this is a gift I can share?
I thought a career based in psychology might be a way to share this "gift." I was guided (an incredible story by itself) to an AMAZING psychology professor who had a huge impact on my life. His class was anything but traditional and in the passion I had for learning in his non-traditional classroom, I understood I wasn't meant to pursue anything in a traditionally academic way.
A variety of friends have suggested over the past few years that I become a "life coach." This seemed vague and ambiguous to me, maybe even kinda cheesy. How pretentious to assume I could coach someone on "life." No, not for me.
Yet, every month when my Oprah magazine arrives, I find myself heading for Martha Beck's advice column before I read anything else. I love her sense of humor and yes! I SO GET what she's telling people. She seems like a friend I have yet to actually meet. So, I read some of her books and they seem like coming home. It's like she's written a formula for the experience of my life over the past three years. She understands how I tick, and what matters in my life; she's been through family trauma that parallels my own. I really enjoy Martha's work so I checked out her website; she's got a life coach training program. Still, I think "That's not for me."
About this same time, Jill Farmer came into my circle. Our daughters played sports together; I'd see her around town. I didn't really know her, but I could feel a really great, positive energy about her. I somehow felt she could be a good friend if I ever got to know her. One thing lead to another and I found out she's a Martha Beck Master Coach. These coincidences were starting to feel more like signs. Jill and I met for coffee and I asked about what she does as a life coach. I was intrigued and for the first time I thought maybe....just maybe I could do something like that with my own little twist.
With encouragement from David, on my 50th birthday, I signed up for the Martha Beck Life Coach Training Program. I am excited at the prospect of doing something so incredibly different! With absolutely no idea where I'm going or how I will put this training to use, I'm taking a leap of faith that God will open new doors as I step off my comfortable path of tried and true. Being a meticulous planner and one who is completely invested in the outcome of every plan I set in motion, this adventure is completely out of character for me and I more than a little bit nervous!
On the morning of September 16, 2014, less than two weeks from the start of the Martha Beck course, I had an interesting meditation. I heard the word "effortless," and the term "duty to respond." Plus I had a vision; it lasted a split second but this is what came to me:
I saw prison bars in front of my face. I turned to the left and saw that the prison wall was only about 6 inches high. Huh....how funny, I "think" to myself; I can just step out, I am not really in prison! So, I stepped over the wall and with that, the bars slid down, sort of melted, away from my face. I am free.
I interpreted this vision to mean that I can step out of my prison anytime I choose. I have a variety of thoughts that I allow to imprison me and this vision can be applied to all of them. I went on with my day, sure of what the vision meant, but kind of curious about "effortless" and "duty to respond."
About 9:00 p.m. on this same evening, I was reading in preparation for the Martha Beck course. On page 69 of Steering by Starlight, I read:
"All of this occurred to me in less than a heartbeat, and it made me laugh at myself a long time. After you've been digging out of your thought-dungeon for a while, almost everything you think starts to effect you this way. Over and over again, you find yourself locked in an inescapable dungeon, then quickly realize that the dungeon doesn't even exist. Then you can drop the window bars from your face,...."
Chills ran down my spine. This is an exact description of my morning meditation. This serendipity had been "effortless." It's my "duty to respond" to this calling. I get it! The light bulb came on and I was filled with gratitude. I had been nervous about starting a new adventure and this, to me, was confirmation "from above" that I am on the right path. What a wonderful gift!
I was asleep for 47 years, a sort of zombie marching to the cadence of self-imposed external forces, down a path that did not satisfy my soul. Now I understand I am in control. I am consciously choosing the path my soul desires. While scary and painful at times, I see the signs that I am not alone on this journey. These priceless gifts from beyond illuminate my high road when thoughts and fears clutter my vision.
Please forgive typos and grammatical errors. This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!
