The body is an amazing thing.
It is incredibly resilient and under optimal conditions, the potential
for self-healing is tremendous. Born with an innate capacity to know what
is healthy, the body has a way of communicating what it does not like, but we learn
to tune out that subtle language at an early age. As children, our
parents define what is "good" for us and we begin to trust external
authority more than intuitive knowing. Unconsciously, we may
extrapolate these designations of "good" and "bad" to situations which are beyond relevance to the original experience. By
the time we reach adulthood, we are quite adept at over-riding our inner
compass and unconsciously defaulting to the irrelevant bearings of auto-pilot. We do what we "should" or "ought to" do
because that's "just the way it is," or what a "good
person" does. We learn to grin and bear it, grit our teeth and carry
on without giving much thought to the feeling in our gut that is screaming
"This isn't right for me!!"
By the time I was 45 years old, I thought I was pretty healthy, just a few issues: some allergies, sinus infections, colds and bouts with the flu each year. I also had Raynaud’s Syndrome; reaching in the freezer a challenge, but I could work around that. I’d grown accustomed to frequent headaches and backaches. There was an ever-present muscular "knot," slightly smaller than a golf ball, on the back of my neck. Still, I thought I was pretty healthy.
On a completely uneventful spring morning, returning home from the girls’ school, I suddenly had difficulty breathing. I struggled with the proverbial elephant sitting on my chest and pulled over to call 911. Then I thought "I'm too healthy to have a heart attack." Plus I didn’t have time to sit in an ER for hours! (Ridiculous in hind-sight, but this was how low I ranked on my own list of priorities.) I regained my breath, drove home and called my doctor for reassurance that there was nothing to worry about. She was not pleased with my emergency management plan, but immediate testing showed no signs of a heart attack, so I was right.
I was quickly handed a "depression questionnaire.” I completed it with brutal honesty and was quite proud of myself for having chosen so few of the obviously "bad" responses. How ridiculous to think I was depressed! I was only working part-time; we were preparing for my daughter's graduation and spring sports were in full swing. There was one other thing......I was spending countless hours researching every last ditch effort to get my 40 year old sister-in-law into a clinical drug trial. She was weeks away from losing her battle with melanoma, but I felt compelled to help her. I coordinated (with the help of a very well-connected friend) an appointment with a local physician involved in promising research. I discovered a new FDA allowance for individual use of research medication under emergency circumstances and hoped this doctor would utilize it for my sister-in-law. My case wasn't convincing enough for him, but I had another plan. I read about trials showing good results with persons of a particular genetic composition; we needed a tissue sample for BRAF testing. My sister-in-law’s surgeon wasn't familiar with this research, so the morning of one surgery, I found myself begging a very hesitant medical testing laboratory in California to e-mail detailed tissue sample prep instructions to me. They finally conceded and I drove 80 mph to Saint Louis University Hospital with a printout of the instructions so the surgeon could properly prepare the sample. Everyone was praying for a miracle but I took action that seemed logical to me. Every approach was against all odds, I had to try because this was my family. I truly had no time to be depressed.
Apparently, I didn’t understand
depression. The doctor reviewed my responses and sent in a counselor.
The counselor helped me understand my stress level was beyond extreme and this was causing anxiety....and depression. She said I was a ticking time bomb, I needed medication. I tried a couple meds but struggled with side
effects. I quit the meds, determined to make changes on my own, if
only for the sake of my husband and daughters.
I am married to an incredible man. David has always been tremendously supportive. He helped me learn to use the word "no," and to stand up for myself when something hurt me. I began to observe situations that made me feel nervous or bad about myself and I learned what “bad” meant in the language of my body. I started to recognize patterns. I’d been taking a very passive role in the face of extremely aggressive behavior simply to keep peace with certain family members. I’ve heard it said, "You teach people how to treat you." I'd done a really good job of teaching some people that it was okay to treat me like dirt. I had some re-educating to do.
My attempts at conversations
about the elephants in the collective family living room were completely shut
down; I was asked to “talk about something nice,” instead. When my first few shaky
attempts at assertiveness were met with escalated aggression, I became aggressive too. Forty seven years of anger boiled over
into a letter that could not be swept under a rug. I did the best I could
with the limited skills I had at that point, but the letter was undoubtedly
mean-spirited. I was deeply hurt and wanted them to understand how I
felt. In closing, I apologized for the spirit of the letter but not the message it conveyed. I made it clear that I could not be a part of
the family as it was. I sincerely asked for a meaningful dialogue intended to improve family relations.
It's been nearly three years and this discussion has never happened. My birth family is happy in their ways and I
respect their choices. They must follow their hearts too. I
have honored myself by standing firm in my decision to maintain my boundaries. I
am an orphan but I have no regrets. The size of my family may be
diminished, but what I have lost in quantity I have surely gained in quality of
life.
Life is more peaceful with my
husband and children since I've stopped wasting time and energy in fear of ugly
conflict. We laugh more; I'm learning to let my guard down and relax.
I've relaxed so much in fact that a co-worker asked if I've been taking horse tranquilizers. The change in my personality has been that dramatic.
The emotional wounds are healing
steadily, but what I find most remarkable is how quickly my body healed once I
removed myself from stressful relationships. I no longer get headaches,
my back doesn’t hurt and the knot on my neck was gone within three days of my
mother's most emphatic farewell monologue. In mid-life, my body has never
felt so healthful and energetic. I am amazed and very grateful for having
the opportunity to experience a healthy life. Better late than never!
My blog is about serendipity and
synchronicity and yes, I'm getting there....
This was a really rough winter
and I shoveled what seemed like tons of snow. Three years ago, my Raynaud’s
Syndrome would never have allowed shoveling; another ailment alleviated!
While I shoveled, I fantasized about being warm. I imagined
walking a beach, the sun on my skin and a warm, gentle breeze. My
mind took me back to Bora Bora, Dauphin Island and Southern California.
Kinda silly, but it kept me from dwelling on how cold I was.
And so, on January 21st, frozen
stiff from shoveling, I grabbed a cup of hot tea and my “Path of the Soul”
Destiny Cards. I shuffled the cards, asked "What does Spirit want me
to know?" and chose three cards. First card: Let your heart
lead the way and take note of the synchronistic events happening around
you. Second card: Expect the unexpected! Small, wonderful
surprises are coming your way! Third card: Free flowing manifestation of
all the good things in life that you desire. These cards always bring a
smile to my face......I wondered what small, wonderful surprises were coming my
way and put the cards away.
I didn’t wonder very long.
Within 15 minutes, at 2:58 p.m., I got a text from a
friend. She invited David and me to spend a weekend in February at her
brother's condo in Scottsdale, AZ. A mutual friend from
California would be joining us. This was my wonderful surprise! I was in awe.
This could have been the fruition of all three of the cards,
synchronicity, surprise and manifesting of desires, wrapped up in one event,
but no, there was more to come.
While hiking Devil’s Bridge in
Sedona, AZ on February 8th, a friend from Minneapolis texted an
inside joke about the Phoenix airport. They were coincidentally there for
the weekend! What are the odds that high school friends living
drastically different lives in St. Louis, Missouri, Orange, California and
Minneapolis, Minnesota would just HAPPEN to find each other in Scottsdale,
Arizona one random weekend in February?? We met for a lovely dinner the
following evening. As I shared martinis and many laughs with these old
and dear friends, it occurred to me that the Arizona sunshine didn’t warm me
nearly as much as this gathering of friends. These beautiful friends, so
good for my soul came together and truly warmed my entire being. This was
a very special gift, indeed.
After dinner, we hugged our
goodbyes and I fought back tears. Once again, I was overwhelmed with
gratitude..........for these friends, this crazy serendipitous event, and my life. Even though we are
separated by great distances, these friends ARE family to me. They always
have been. I am not an orphan. My family is just defined a little
differently and it feels right in my heart.
Please forgive typos and grammatical errors. This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!
