Nearly one year ago, on my 50th birthday, I signed up for the Martha Beck Life Coach Training program. The Universe had been sending me all sorts of messages that I should help others with my, as Martha Beck puts it, "hell and back" story. Her program seemed the perfect fit so I signed up, put my heart and soul into it and "graduated" Monday of this week.
A lot of things happened along the way. Pushing the limits of my comfort zone on a weekly (if not daily!) basis, I learned a lot about myself. Martha's program requires that we "live it to give it." I dug deep and with the help of a small circle of Martha Beck cadet friends, gathering by conference call each Wednesday, I began to uncover beliefs that were standing between me and the life I want to live. We "Wednesday Circle Ladies" practiced our skills on each other, working through the routine challenges of life and the deeper, emotional debris dredged up in the natural course of this life changing program. Very special bonds were created within our little group over the 10 month course of this program. We met face-to-face for the first time in California, at a Martha Beck Meet 'n Greet this May. Here we are on the pier....Shell Beach, I think it was?
As I worked so hard to learn the tools, making time for class time, homework and practice while being a mom with a "career," I got stressed out. I thought I wasn't getting enough practice, I was neglecting my family, I didn't "get" all the tools. I need hours of work with paying clients in order to apply for certification; somehow, the people who used to randomly show up on my doorstep asking me to help solve their problems had stopped knocking. How will I ever get certified?! Then there is the whole "business" aspect that is foreign and frightening for me....client intake forms to be reviewed by an attorney? LLC or Inc.? Business banking, taxes, Paypal or Square? I don't know how to set up a website?! Oh my gosh, how am I ever going to make this work? I was really getting myself worked up.
The magic seemed to vanish. The synchronicities and crazy experiences that pointed me in this direction in the first place had pretty much stopped. Down on myself for not having all the answers, disappointed that I was not making as much progress as I wanted, my energy level plummeted. Martha says our "work" should feel like play. We should play until we're tired, and then rest until we feel like playing again. Well, I KNEW this, but I have to be the over-achiever in all things! Surely if I just worked a little harder, I'd find my clients and the business stuff would finally make sense to me. So I kept pushing...and the Universe just pushed back. I was swimming upstream.
Shortly after this picture was taken, one daughter came home from college and the other was wrapping up the school year with all of the year-end activities that entails; we took a much needed family vacation and summer kicked into high gear. There was less time than ever to work on my new path in life. I didn't "give up," but I realized I had the choice to either continue pursuing things in a frustrating manner or just accept what was at hand and enjoy the time with my family while I had the opportunity. So, I sort of put my Martha class on the shelf. I listened in on the conference calls from the beach house with a drink in my hand, or slept through them entirely while I was in Japan. I wasn't able to finish my homework and I couldn't make the Wednesday calls anymore either.....and I finally stopped beating myself up about it. I let it go.
When I left for Japan, I took absolutely nothing of "educational value." I took a little book my daughter loaned me. I read for fun, slept until I felt like getting up and played my days away, exploring what Japan had to offer me with no expectations whatsoever. I gave no thought to the new "business" I am trying to create. Then a funny thing happened. Just as I'd experienced before this program began, when I was absolutely relaxed and had no expectations for the outcome to any situation, the magic started happening again.
Some time ago, I'd reached out to the St. Louis Narcissistic Abuse Support Group, hoping to become a member. A closed group, it requires a submission requesting membership. I'd written a short summary of "my story" and submitted it but I hadn't received a response. When I'd completely forgotten about the group, I received a message asking me if I'd like to lead the group. While in Japan, I spent time conversing with the current group leader and it seems my desire to help others might be fulfilled in some ways with this group. I didn't see THAT coming!
I keep a rolling list of ten things that I want in life. One of the items on my current list is to restore every relationship to the best it can possibly be. While in Japan, I received a Facebook friend request from my first childhood friend, Barb. I've known her as long as I can remember; we grew up and went away to college together. Our friendship fell apart with the pitfalls of being college roommates. We parted ways in 1982. I always felt a sense of responsibility for my immaturity that did not support our friendship. When I received her friend request, I was excited to connect with her again, but I felt the need to apologize, very deeply and humbly, for the mistakes I'd made as a thoughtless teenager. I sent a private message and it seems we've both been missing each other all these years. Bygones are bygones and we are planning a reunion that will no doubt be filled with lots of laughter and probably some tears. The restoration of this relationship has brought me great joy and is a blessing I could not have planned. The Universe is helping me fulfill my desires, I just needed to relax and let "life take its course" without worrying about HOW I could make it happen.
Also on my list of "ten things" is to travel to exotic places. Japan is exotic to me and I believe the Universe (working through David!) has filled another order for me. On our last night in Okinawa, we had the pleasure of making friends with Takehiro and Miho, (pictured below, just before saying KANPAI! with our Orion beers.) It was an unexpected introduction that led to wonderful discussions about our different-yet-the-same lives, cultures and love for each others' countries. These remarkable connections seem to happen when least expected. I can't make them happen or force them, they just come when I am relaxed and in the flow of life.
During our last days on Okinawa, there was a typhoon. I love "bad" weather, so this was a treat for me. The wind was really amazing, something I'd never experienced. I got out and "played" in the wind with my umbrella; the wind tossing me around like a rag doll. I went wherever it carried me, not sure where I'd end up. Playing in the strong winds brought me sheer joy and uncontrollable laughter. This is me throwing caution, literally, to the wind:
I think this is a metaphor for how I need to be living my life. There's no sense in fighting life or trying to push my agenda. I can just enjoy the ride, see where the wind blows me and trust that I will always be exactly where I need to be.
Please forgive typos and grammatical errors. This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!
