Crossing the only bridge that leads to the island, a sense of calm becomes tangible. Time slows as do my breath and heartbeat. Unconscious thoughts in my mind are paused as I take in the beautiful surroundings. Attuning with the simpler, slower way of life, I become centered in the present moment, aware that my body is relaxing.
Living in the present moment is a challenge for me. I am a relative newcomer to this concept and I fell into it quite unintentionally. Moments after my near death experience (NDE) a sort of "Narrator" entered my head and began analyzing my thoughts for me. "You're worrying about something that will likely never happen." "This is old drama. Let it go." "Is this your value or does it belong to someone else?"
Listening to Narrator helps me trace thoughts back to their roots. It's become clear I've frequently adopted others' ideas to gain love and acceptance, rather than voice my own opinions and risk being different. This fear-based adaptation became instantaneous and unconscious at a very young age. I constructed a self to please everyone around me. I sold my soul for a false sense of security. My NDE was a wake-up call to unearth my true Self and this has been my mission ever since.
Two years ago on Daupin Island, Narrator said, "Meditate." What? Why would I waste time just SITTING THERE? There is so much I want to do. Persistently, Narrator kept popping into my head with this suggestion until one night, when I could not sleep, I decided to get out of bed and sit on the floor. I had no idea what to do. All I knew about meditation was learned from TV and movies. So, I sat in the dark, on the floor, listening to waves crashing. An endless train of thoughts rambled through my head. After about 20 minutes of sitting, I got up feeling somewhat relaxed. I promised myself to learn more about meditation and finally fell sleep.
Now meditation is a big part of my life. I've had a variety of experiences while meditating. Most days I simply gain a sense of peace; a calm way to start my day. Every so often though, I receive something very special. I receive what I just call a "Knowing."
I wish I could explain what happens, but I just Know. (This is entirely different from Narrator's "voice.") I Know I need to do something or be somewhere. I had a special Knowing on Friday April 5, 2013. This particular day, I did not have to go to work, or run errands. I could just let the day take its course. In my morning meditation came a Knowing that I should go to Washington, Missouri. I believed I should go to the riverfront bike trail; I thought I'd take a walk or meditate again. It somehow occurred to me that I should take a longer, more scenic route to Washington which I hadn't traveled in many years, and so, I did.
When I got to the edge of town I really wanted a cup of coffee, even though I'd had more than enough before leaving my house. St. Louis Bread Company was nearby, so I pulled into the lot, grabbed my purse and got out of the car. I took exactly two steps from my car and came, quite literally, face to face with my cousin. I hadn't seen her in years! I think we were both nearly dumbfounded as we incredulously spoke the other's name. She asked to join me for a cup of coffee. Nothing could have made me happier!
My Knowing from the morning's meditation had been confirmed and I was thrilled. Yet, my excitement was mixed with a certain amount of trepidation. It is no secret that I am the family pariah; I am no longer recognized by my birth family. Encounters with extended family are not always pleasant and if they are, the compassionate relative is at risk of being ostracized.
"Family" brings to mind Norman Rockwell scenes and Hallmark cards but Hallmark doesn't make a card for daughters like me. Out of love and respect for myself, I walked away from my birth family the night of my NDE. I Knew as soon as my spirit rejoined my body, with a surety I had never before possessed, that for the sake of my Soul and physical being, I had to cut the ties with my parents and brother. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I've been judged and criticized for my choice, tested time and again, but in staying true to myself I have grown immeasurably. I found inner strength I never knew I possessed. I learned to truly forgive. I've also learned "family" includes supportive friends as well as those precious brave relatives willing to show their compassion.
I was greatly relieved to find that this cousin IS family for me. We spoke for two hours over coffee that morning. She and her siblings do not judge me. She was understanding and compassionate as I explained my need to heal. I long ago stopped caring what people think of me, but her words greatly comforted an orphaned aspect of me. Her willingness to reach out that day meant more to me than she may ever know.
Coincidentally, she shared that she has also been on a spiritual journey. She is seeking and questioning now; she's awake. She feels compelled to explore new avenues where she can share her gifts. We realized our spiritual lives are evolving down parallel paths. We parted, both knowing that our meeting was more than mere chance.
When I returned home, I was still sort of "high" from the experience, but it was time to get on with the needs of the physical world. I checked my e-mail and saw a new message from the St. Louis Chapter of the International Association for Near Death Studies (IANDS,) a group I'd recently joined. Just in case I didn't fully understand that my cousin and I were meant to meet that morning, the e-mail had a little message for me too......"Serendipity & Synchronicity After NDEs 'When The Time is Right.'"
Narrator and Knowing have almost certainly always been with me, but I needed to discover my truths and reclaim some shreds of my real self before I could "hear" those still, small voices. I believe these voices hold the key to my purpose on Earth, the lessons I need to learn and the gifts I have to share. These voices may be faint, but I will be listening and waiting in anticipation for more synchronicity and serendipity.
Please forgive typos and grammatical errors. This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!
