The Ties That Bind

Depression.  I struggled with this disease for 47 years; this black hole that would come out of nowhere to swallow my world.  Under the best of circumstances, there was a problem to be solved, a reason, I'd think, for being so sad.  Working feverishly toward a solution gave me a focal point outside of my gloom and hope that I could rid myself of this monster once and for all if I just worked hard enough.  More often than not, the darkness would come without rhyme or reason.  All logic failing me, I would ride out the weeks, desperately awaiting the random day I would awake with a sense of lightness and joy in my heart again.

My near death experience ended my battle with depression.  The melancholy days were over.  Then came grieving the loss of my family and yes, therapy was painful.  However, this was clean pain, pain with a purpose.  Handled properly, this transformative pain brings us closer to the truth of who we are and we need this pain if change and growth are ever to occur.  I've learned to accept clean pain and sometimes, I can even be grateful for it in the midst of the struggles.

After 3 years of living with simple, clean pain, depression came creeping in a few weeks ago.  I found myself trying to explain the pain away.  We have had no shortage of curve balls recently and I tried to attribute the darkness to them, but in my heart I knew this was something greater than the sum of all my current tribulations.  I was heading slowly downhill, no matter how many spiritual tools I pulled out of my trick bag.  Panic was setting in.

Today I hit a low point.  I attended a conference call at noon.  While participating, I felt wave after wave of sadness washing through me.  I began to weep uncontrollably as soon as the call ended.  As depressed as I've ever been, I have never experienced anything like this.  At 2:53 p.m. I texted a friend and cancelled our meeting.  I told her I was in a hole of hell I hadn't seen in a long time.  I could not subject her to this.  I collapsed on the couch and continued sobbing.  I wondered, "What is happening to me?"  "WHY?!?!" and  "Is this the point when you call 911?"  At 3:06 p.m., my father called.  Being persona non grata, this alone shocked me out of my despair.  He called to say my Aunt Jane had passed away just moments after noon today.  Hearing this news made everything crystal clear and the gloom very quickly dissipated, giving way to joy.

While I am no longer a part of the family on a physical plane, there are ties that unconsciously bind us on an emotional level.  As an unconscious witness, I was feeling all the pain and anguish of a family going through one of the most difficult experiences in life.  With awareness, I was able to separate myself from the unconscious pain and begin my grieving process for the loss of an Aunt whom I dearly loved.  For myself, I am sad that I will never again get to taste one of Aunt Jane's delicious hams, see her lovely smile (always with a pretty shade of pink lipstick!) or hear her beautiful laughter. I couldn't be sad for long though.  I know what Aunt Jane is experiencing now.  She is one with the fabric of the Universe, with her Creator; she is experiencing "the peace that passeth understanding" and she is still with us even if we can't see her.  She is a beautiful soul I am fortunate to have known on this physical plane and I am celebrating for the peace, love and joy of Christ consciousness that she now enjoys.

I love you, Aunt Jane! 

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!