I am an extremely introverted person. More comfortable with one or two close friends, I have never been part of a large group of girlfriends. As an awkward, unpopular teenager, I felt like an outcast. Teased mercilessly, with raging acne and frizzy, curly hair, quite literally spit upon by my Catholic schoolmates, I had a suicide plan. Every time the pain would push me to my limits, when I'd seriously think about using the sleeping pills I had, one of my very tiny posse would reach out in some way that made me feel it wasn't quite time to cash in my chips. I have always known that Sharon and Jane were special; like desert flowers, our connections bloom instantly no matter when we connect, even if there has been a long drought between phone calls. I understand that their souls are key players in my Sacred Contract. Without them, I would not have hung around this world long enough to "wake up" to the fact that my life has a purpose.
My college years brought different experiences. Away from the small town where I felt pigeon holed as a pariah, I was free to be myself without fear of judgment. I was able to show aspects of my personality that I'd kept hidden and people actually liked me for who I was. I made so many new friends by showing my true colors. I blossomed in this environment and began to love life for the first time. There are countless people I could name and credit as players in this chapter of my life. Most of us have long since parted ways but the joy and gifts they brought clearly shaped the person I am today.
Even before my near death experience (NDE,) I knew that my husband, David, and I were meant to be together. Our story eclipses When Harry Met Sally and someday I will write about it in detail, but suffice it to say for the purpose of this post, that before I truly believed in such things, I KNEW our relationship was divinely orchestrated. I did everything I could to make it impossible for him to love me, yet he knew we would make a great team....and he hung around in the background, quite literally for years, until I came to my senses. I have always loved David, even before I knew it and our love has expanded beyond my wildest imagination over the decades. Countless aspects of myself have grown immeasurably just by being a part of David's world......but that is a long story for another day.
When I became a mother for the first time, a raft of insecurities set in. I knew I wanted a different relationship with my daughters than my childhood experience, but I didn't know how to make that happen. I tried my very best to make different choices with my daughters, but certain patterns were repeated out of ignorance. The experience of "normal" is certainly a sliding scale, but my point of reference was pretty far from center. I reached out to other moms for some pretty basic "how to" guidance when I could sense things just weren't right for my girls. There have been many souls who must have agreed to help me improve my parenting skills, but Jenna, Judy, Kelly and Laura STILL offer support, guidance and encouragement when doubt and fear race through my mind. These ladies have supported me in countless ways as I struggled to break a cycle. My daughters may never fully understand, but they had soul agreements with these ladies too.
After my NDE I began to realize how drastically fear had shaped my life. There were parts of my world I blocked out completely because I was afraid. I wanted very little to do with Washington, Missouri, the town where I'd grown up, especially my classmates. I avoided class reunions at all costs and would go out of my way to avoid schoolmates when I had to be in town for a funeral or wedding. I was pretty sure as adults, my classmates wouldn't spit on me again, but I believed they'd insult me or even worse, ignore me so I played it safe, blending into the background, hoping to be invisible. I was "safe" but I'd also blocked souls with whom mine had agreements waiting to be fulfilled.
Not long after my NDE, I received an invitation to my 30 year class reunion. Instead of throwing it in the trash, ruminating on painful memories, I decided to test my strength by walking straight into this fire. I accepted the invitation in more than one way. Armed with the protection of an absolutely killer dress, a small circle of friends and a couple of stiff drinks, I made my way to the reunion. Walking through the door, I mentally repeated my goal: greet each classmate with a genuine determination to see who he or she has become and put all hurt behind me. I believe I said, at the very least, "hello" to everyone and when possible, I conversed, sincerely interested in seeing this person's journey from my soul's perspective. A few people hadn't changed at all as far as I could tell, but largely, I found acceptance. Genuine smiles and warm embraces were offered more often than not. It took a LOT of courage for me to face the demons in my head that night, but I found so much joy in return for my effort. I erased a lot of fears and released myself from the painful thoughts that had bound me for many years. Furthermore, without even knowing, I'd opened the door to souls with whom mine had "agreements."
After the class reunion, there were lots of friend requests on Facebook. Prior to the reunion, I'd intentionally kept my friend group pretty small, but now I accepted friend requests from friends of friends and some I couldn't imagine would ever want to be my friend. Some I'd hardly known, may never have spoken to in high school, were now asking to be a part of my circle and I accepted. I understand that some people may get an egoic boost from increasing their numbers of Facebook friends, but I went with my heart. It felt good to drop the fear and bitterness......and some really amazing experiences unfolded as a result.
Through a Facebook faux pas, I said something completely inappropriate to Karen as she was going through a profound challenge in her life. I was Karen's classmate since the earliest days of grade school but I didn't know her at all. I quickly apologized through a private message to Karen. In my apology, quickly typed, but sincere, she truly found comfort. I had no way of knowing my words would resonate with her so strongly. We exchanged e-mail addresses and began to communicate regularly. We decided to attend a seminar together one afternoon and Karen invited another classmate, Gloria to join us. Gloria and I realized we had never even spoken to one another in high school. Our one hour-long drive to the seminar was filled with discussion on what we recalled of each other from high school and how our own thoughts just didn't match up with the others' realities. Each of us are facing challenges and as it turned out, we each had something quite valuable to share to aid the others' healing processes. Without a doubt, our souls had agreements to be fulfilled. Two years ago I would have laughed if you'd told me I'd be planning a trip to the wineries with them next month!
Anne and Sally are two other classmates with whom I believe my soul made agreements. Also through Facebook, in some of my more personal posts, they each reached out to me in their own way. I had a terrible inferiority complex in high school and it never occurred to me that these very popular girls, cheerleaders who seemed to me to have the world of St. Francis Borgia High School on a string, actually had a more positive view of me than I had of myself back in those very dark days. I am grateful for the positive reinforcement they routinely offer now and I wonder, if my ego hadn't run my life so completely back then, might I have found strength in relationships with them in high school?
Then, there is Paula. Paula was a life-long friend of Sharon's, one I just never took time to get to know. Again, through Facebook, Paula and I connected and it seemed at first like we might have the standard "Hi, great to see you again!" sort of relationship, but it quickly took a drastic turn. A few months after our "friending," Paula experienced a most dreadful tragedy. I felt inexplicably compelled to share some deeply personal thoughts with Paula. As with Karen, something I wrote found its mark with Paula and our relationship took off from there. Now I feel she is a friend I have known since the beginning of time, yet it's been only a year or so since we connected. Paula came into town from Virginia this summer and I was fortunate to spend a day with her and Sharon. We shared so much, a lifetime of friendship was compacted into roughly 12 hours. Definitely, Paula and I had a contract that needed to be fulfilled, my heart knows this with certainty.
Paula, Sharon and I share a bottle of wine.
After 32 years, toasting friends both old and "new."
But yeah, lots of people have reconnected over Facebook and maybe my stories aren't compelling evidence of predestined soul agreements. Let's try another example...Diane McGuire, my "intuitive hair artist!" (Please don't judge Diane's artistic gifts by my hair! Diane does an amazing job with my crazy locks and nobody can hold a candle to her work.....I just can't replicate her work in the comfort of my own bathroom. Ha ha!)
Having a particularly bad hair day, I got Diane's name from Darlene at Creve Coeur Watch and Jewelry. (Darlene is the same friend who put me in contact with my spiritual guru, Josephine. Clearly, Darlene and I had an agreement as well!) Diane and I hit it off like long lost friends from day one. She is like my twin except she has super-cute, STRAIGHT hair. We have similar (unconventional!) ideas on everything.....it's bizarre. Every time I go to Diane, some amazing coincidences crop up. Incredible as these things are, they aren't really blog worthy; coincidences kinda happen to everybody, right? Still, it's always in the back of my mind...."What's going to surface THIS TIME when I get a hair cut?" One day in May, when Diane was cutting my daughter's hair, we talked about movies and she said About Schmidt was one of her favorites. I had never even heard of this movie, but made a mental note that I'd like to see it....Would it be on Netflix? After her haircut, Paige and I went to the Goodwill. We walked aimlessly, you just never know what might strike your fancy! Claire had recently gotten a turntable and Paige suggested looking through the vinyl for something Claire might like. In the media section as I was rifling through the albums, Paige said "Hey mom! Isn't that the movie Diane just said we should see?" Sure enough, there right in front, the first DVD in the stack, was About Schmidt! CRAZY! Shivers still running up my spine, we went to the checkout counter. Who was in front of us in line? DIANE! We laughed, acknowledging that there just IS something between us.
I went to Diane for some awesome "sun glitz" a couple weeks ago. I was really excited to share some big news with her. I'm taking a big step off my safe and secure path of tried and true. I've signed up for Martha Beck's Life Coach Training! (More about that in next month's post.) When I arrived, she proudly presented me with her new brochure on the spiritual / life coaching business she and her husband have created together. I had to laugh. We've never discussed this similar goal, yet here we are stepping off onto the same path, at the same time. Of course, I should have KNOWN this! Diane and I are nothing if not on the same path! Diane and Daniel make an amazing team and their history together is so rich. I am thrilled for them and all of their clients, present and potential, knowing that their blessings will inevitably enrich my life as well. This is just how it works for Diane and me; it's how the agreement between our souls works. I hope to fully understand our "pact" one day, but for now I simply appreciate the fact that every visit with Diane is guaranteed to strengthen my belief in the profound presence beyond the material realm which orchestrates our lives.
In retrospect, many soul agreements are crystal clear. I'd love to give a shout out to each and every one that accepted the challenge of participating in my life. For many years I was an extremely difficult person and brave were the souls who stepped up to the plate for me. One day I will write a book about all the twists and turns of my journey; joys created through sorrow, wisdom from pain, and peace, the "peace which passeth understanding" I was blessed to find when I so briefly tasted the beauty of death. None of the highs could ever have been without the corresponding lows and all along the way there were souls who'd agreed to play their part. Whether they agreed to knock me down or help me back to my feet. I owe each and every one a debt of gratitude for helping me reach this vantage point, this top of the world perspective that is mine when I choose to open my eyes.
Please forgive typos and grammatical errors. This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!
(Note: If you want the best haircut of your life, do yourself a favor and call Diane McGuire at Intuitive Hair... 314.974.8175. You'll feel great about your hair and, heck, life in general when you step out of her salon!)
