I've been on a quest for nearly four years, trying to find a way to help others understand what I "learned" through my near death experience (NDE.) I read countless books on psychology, spirituality, religion, mental illness and the process of recovering from trauma. I began studying metaphysics, took a psychology class, started this blog, and took the Martha Beck Life Coach Training course. I "graduated" from the 10 month course in July, with a handful of potential clients and began to wonder.....Now what? How can I share what's been given to me?
Always looking for ways to continue my own healing process, earlier this summer, I contacted a support group I found on Meetup. As mentioned in my last post, I was asked to lead the group. Seeing that this could be an avenue to share, I accepted the "position" of group leader but not without reservation. For one who generally attempts to fly under the radar, is uncomfortable being the center of attention and has absolutely no public speaking skills, this decision stirred up myriad feelings of inadequacy. Oh my gosh! What have I done?
I quickly busied myself with the logistics of procuring a meeting location, extending the membership of the group within Meetup (committed to SIX months! Such an optimist!) and creating an agenda I hoped would steer us in a positive direction. The morning of the meeting, I woke up resigned to the fact that I'd done all I could, the rest was in the hands of fate.
I've always been one to look at numbers. Since I was a kid, even before my first DIGITAL (wooooah! dating myself here!) clock, I saw patterns in numbers and often thought "How cool is that?!" My birthday is July 22. Somehow the fact that I had two 2s made me feel special. When I'd catch the clock at 12:34, that was "neat," or those special "repeaters" like 5:55? As my daughter would say "Make a wish!" There's always been something special about numbers for me but I didn't think much about it until after my NDE. Now I pay close attention because I have learned they are big signs for me.
Back to the morning of the meeting..... I got in my car to go to work and the odometer read 94,000 miles. The fact that it was an even number, with ALL those zeros made me smile. When I checked the numerology, how this number "boils down," it meant "stability" and all those zeros add power to the stability. I thought "I am on solid ground here, I've got this under control." That was comforting to me and I went on with my work day, preparing to be audited by Homeland Security. (Does this seem funny to anybody else?)
A little back ground info: my number is 23. When I am being supported "from beyond" I will see a 23 somewhere. There is numerological significance to this number, but I will simply share two significant points of how this number has shown up in my life. Remember, I didn't make this connection in any way, until 4 years ago.
- A relationship of epic proportions in my life began on October 23; see my February 27, 2014 blog post for more details. This would be 10/23.
- My oldest daughter was born at 10:23 a.m. She has been one of my best mirrors, challenging me to question many beliefs I've held for a lifetime.
So, as I worked over my Site Security Plan in Sauget all day, it was no surprise to me that I saw the 23rd minute of nearly every hour I worked in the office. I am not a clock watcher by any means, it just happened that I would, in glancing, catch the sight of this number on my desk clock or in the corner of my computer screen. Each time, I felt a sense of gratitude for whomever, whatever, was supporting me and telling me so.
I worked all day, drove home, grabbed a bite to eat, took a deep breath and got into my car to head to Chesterfield for the meeting. I turn the key and the dashboard lit up. I saw that the trip odometer read 123.0 miles. I simultaneously laughed out loud and got tears in my eyes. I texted David at 5:06, knowing he would appreciate the significance.
I drove to the library in Chesterfield and found a "Paddock Spot" in the parking lot. While this term is gaining nationwide popularity, you may not be familiar with it. (See my April 2014 blog post; the "inside joke" texted to me on Devil's Bridge in Sedona was a friend telling me about a Paddock Spot at the airport.) My husband, David, is the Patron Saint of those who seek front row parking, especially when the lot is completely full. Arriving at Sea World San Diego after the park is already open? No problem, just pull right into the front row. If we'd parked any closer, we'd have been in the tank with Shamu. Going to the area's busiest mall on Christmas Eve? We don't park a mile away or use valet service. No, we just pull into the spot next to those reserved for handicapped parking, right by the door. And so, it seemed fitting that when I arrived at the library for my meeting, I would park right next to the door; the closest spot, bar none. At 5:32; I texted David, knowing he'd laugh.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I felt grateful for having made it this far on my journey. I asked for the grace and wisdom to be what these people need in their lives at this time. I gathered my phone, my purse, my tote bag, my water bottle and I looked up, out the windshield, for the first time since I'd backed into the parking spot. There, in front of me, was a personalized license plate, on the tiniest, bright, electric-blue car, right smack in front of me that read: "YIPPEE." And then I knew it with every fiber in my body. "I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, even though I have no idea what I'm doing." With tears in my eyes, I texted Dave at 5:35 and went into the library.
The meeting went better than I could have ever possibly anticipated. Twelve brave souls sat as compassionate witnesses to the others' suffering. Twelve of us validated for one another, thoughts that the average person cannot comprehend. There was no common denominator of gender, age, race, or even personality. We were a mixed bag of a group, but by the end of the evening, everyone shared their "story" and I believe felt a sense of kinship that can only be formed by those who have walked through the same ring of fire.
After the meeting, driving home, I felt a sense of accomplishment. I'd let go of any expectations of how the evening would go, I was present and did what seemed to come naturally and it was a success. Everyone agreed this was worth doing on a routine basis. I felt strong and confident. I can do this!
I went to bed, feeling a strange mix of energy and exhaustion. I woke up at 2:00 a.m. and could not get back to sleep. This is not unusual for me; I often get by on 4 hours of sleep, so I decided to get up and do some writing. Expecting to be up for the day, I was surprised when I suddenly felt exhausted again @ 4:30 a.m. I did not want to wake David up, so I went to sleep on the couch.
I had a weird dream and woke up quite startled. I was confused, in a very strange sort of "foggy" state. Where am I?? Sitting up, I wondered about the time. As I regained some semblance of consciousness, I wondered if Dave might be late for work. Normally, I would run around frantically, making sure everyone was awake and getting the dogs out, etc. Oddly, I just couldn't get up. I had to put my head back on the pillow. Then I closed my eyes and had a wonderful vision. It was not a dream; I focused intently, trying to bring it into sharper focus. Everything was black, with the exception of a "hole" in the center of my field of vision. The hole seemed to be about the size of a quarter, but then it grew a bit. At first I could see a kaleidoscope of colors; yellow and orange shapes swirling. They were leaves. Fall colored leaves, swirling and blowing. Then I saw a tree branch, still within this hole. The branch moved in a wind, the fall leaves moving and some blowing away, behind the black screen that obscured all but the viewing hole. Then it was gone. Poof. Back to the same "stuff" I see when I close my eyes...just kinda "nothing."
I thought about this for a while, excited and amazed but still very "foggy." As excited as I was, I fell back asleep and had two "normal" dreams before waking enough to actually get up and get things "going" in the household. I realized then that all of this happened in under an hour. Wow.
I have learned (from a master) the art of dream interpretation. My dreams can be a report card or a treasure map for me. The dreams I had that morning were a report card, filled with new and profoundly rich symbols telling me that I am gaining a conscious awareness of my soul's purpose for existence. There's no doubt in my mind that my soul was reaching out in a BIG way, through these dreams, telling me I'm on the right path.
Even more significant for me, was the interpretation of that morning's vision. This is what I believe the vision was telling me:
- The wind signified the movement of higher intelligence acting upon my mind through prana or energy. This represents the thoughts that brought me peace as I saw all the "signs" leading up to my meeting.
- The autumn scene represented the completion of creation. "The wisdom produced from previous life experiences and understandings; the culmination of maturity and the preparation for a new cycle of growth." This (group work) is what I've been seeking, this is how I can put my "gifts" to use.
- The black screen, covering most of the "scene" tells me I am just getting a glimpse of what is to come. More will be revealed to me if I keep working toward my goal.
I've long had the desire to share what I've been given. Figuring out HOW to share has been the tricky part, mostly because it involved understanding MYSELF. Four years ago, I had no idea who I was, but I've been finding pieces of my life puzzle along this crazy path and the picture is becoming clearer. These signs, symbols, messages and visions "from beyond" are just part of my puzzle. It's a sort of game and when I just play along, without struggle or expectation, it's fun and exciting! YIPPEE!!!
Post Script:
When I was writing this post, I wished for a photo to convey the sentiment of YIPPEE. One hour later, at an estate sale, what are the odds I found this on the front door?
Thinking my life is magical!
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