Soul Agreements

I am a big fan of author Carolyn Myss.  One of my favorite books is Sacred Contracts, which proposes that our lives are guided by a sacred contract created by the soul before birth.  This contract is a sort of plan for accomplishing all that the soul desires to experience in order to have the opportunities to learn specific lessons during this time in the physical form.  In the contract, there are agreements with other souls, a sort of collaboration to help create and share opportunities for growth.  Collaborative souls are often friends and family, or perhaps they are in and out of your life in a brief instant.  Their impact may be immediately evident as life changing or their role may be one of silent support, in the chorus of your life.  In all cases, they've played their part. Here I'd like to share some examples of soul agreements in my life.

I am an extremely introverted person.  More comfortable with one or two close friends, I have never been part of a large group of girlfriends.  As an awkward, unpopular teenager, I felt like an outcast.  Teased mercilessly, with raging acne and frizzy, curly hair, quite literally spit upon by my Catholic schoolmates, I had a suicide plan.  Every time the pain would push me to my limits, when I'd seriously think about using the sleeping pills I had, one of my very tiny posse would reach out in some way that made me feel it wasn't quite time to cash in my chips.  I have always known that Sharon and Jane were special; like desert flowers, our connections bloom instantly no matter when we connect, even if there has been a long drought between phone calls.  I understand that their souls are key players in my Sacred Contract.  Without them, I would not have hung around this world long enough to "wake up" to the fact that my life has a purpose.

My college years brought different experiences.  Away from the small town where I felt pigeon holed as a pariah, I was free to be myself without fear of judgment.  I was able to show aspects of my personality that I'd kept hidden and people actually liked me for who I was.  I made so many new friends by showing my true colors.  I blossomed in this environment and began to love life for the first time.  There are countless people I could name and credit as players in this chapter of my life.  Most of us have long since parted ways but the joy and gifts they brought clearly shaped the person I am today.

Even before my near death experience (NDE,) I knew that my husband, David, and I were meant to be together.  Our story eclipses When Harry Met Sally and someday I will write about it in detail, but suffice it to say for the purpose of this post, that before I truly believed in such things, I KNEW our relationship was divinely orchestrated.  I did everything I could to make it impossible for him to love me, yet he knew we would make a great team....and he hung around in the background, quite literally for years, until I came to my senses.  I have always loved David, even before I knew it and our love has expanded beyond my wildest imagination over the decades.  Countless aspects of myself have grown immeasurably just by being a part of David's world......but that is a long story for another day.

When I became a mother for the first time, a raft of insecurities set in.  I knew I wanted a different relationship with my daughters than my childhood experience, but I didn't know how to make that happen.  I tried my very best to make different choices with my daughters, but certain patterns were repeated out of ignorance.  The experience of "normal" is certainly a sliding scale, but my point of reference was pretty far from center.  I reached out to other moms for some pretty basic "how to" guidance when I could sense things just weren't right for my girls.  There have been many souls who must have agreed to help me improve my parenting skills, but Jenna, Judy, Kelly and Laura STILL offer support, guidance and encouragement when doubt and fear race through my mind.  These ladies have supported me in countless ways as I struggled to break a cycle.   My daughters may never fully understand, but they had soul agreements with these ladies too.

After my NDE I began to realize how drastically fear had shaped my life.  There were parts of my world  I blocked out completely because I was afraid.  I wanted very little to do with Washington, Missouri, the town where I'd grown up, especially my classmates.  I avoided class reunions at all costs and would go out of my way to avoid schoolmates when I had to be in town for a funeral or wedding.  I was pretty sure as adults, my classmates wouldn't spit on me again, but I believed they'd insult me or even worse, ignore me  so I played it safe, blending into the background, hoping to be invisible.  I was "safe" but I'd also blocked souls with whom mine had agreements waiting to be fulfilled.  

Not long after my NDE, I received an invitation to my 30 year class reunion.  Instead of throwing it in the trash, ruminating on painful memories, I decided to test my strength by walking straight into this fire.  I accepted the invitation in more than one way.  Armed with the protection of an absolutely killer dress, a small circle of friends and a couple of stiff drinks, I made my way to the reunion.  Walking through the door, I mentally repeated my goal: greet each classmate with a genuine determination to see who he or she has become and put all hurt behind me.  I believe I said, at the very least, "hello" to everyone and when possible, I conversed, sincerely interested in seeing this person's journey from my soul's perspective.  A few people hadn't changed at all as far as I could tell, but largely, I found acceptance.  Genuine smiles and warm embraces were offered more often than not.  It took a LOT of courage for me to face the demons in my head that night, but I found so much joy in return for my effort.  I erased a lot of fears and released myself from the painful thoughts that had bound me for many years.  Furthermore, without even knowing, I'd opened the door to souls with whom mine had "agreements." 

After the class reunion, there were lots of friend requests on Facebook.  Prior to the reunion, I'd intentionally kept my friend group pretty small, but now I accepted friend requests from friends of friends and some I couldn't imagine would ever want to be my friend.  Some I'd hardly known, may never have spoken to in high school, were now asking to be a part of my circle and I accepted.  I understand that some people may get an egoic boost from increasing their numbers of Facebook friends, but I went with my heart.  It felt good to drop the fear and bitterness......and some really amazing experiences unfolded as a result. 

Through a Facebook faux pas, I said something completely inappropriate to Karen as she was going through a profound challenge in her life.  I was Karen's classmate since the earliest days of grade school but I didn't know her at all.  I quickly apologized through a private message to Karen.  In my apology, quickly typed, but sincere, she truly found comfort.  I had no way of knowing my words would resonate with her so strongly.  We exchanged e-mail addresses and began to communicate regularly.  We decided to attend a seminar together one afternoon and Karen invited another classmate, Gloria to join us.  Gloria and I realized we had never even spoken to one another in high school.  Our one hour-long drive to the seminar was filled with discussion on what we recalled of each other from high school and how our own thoughts just didn't match up with the others' realities.  Each of us are facing challenges and as it turned out, we each had something quite valuable to share to aid the others' healing processes.  Without a doubt, our souls had agreements to be fulfilled.  Two years ago I would have laughed if you'd told me I'd be planning a trip to the wineries with them next month!

Anne and Sally are two other classmates with whom I believe my soul made agreements.  Also through Facebook, in some of my more personal posts, they each reached out to me in their own way.  I had a terrible inferiority complex in high school and it never occurred to me that these very popular girls, cheerleaders who seemed to me to have the world of St. Francis Borgia High School on a string, actually had a more positive view of me than I had of myself back in those very dark days.  I am grateful for the positive reinforcement they routinely offer now and I wonder, if my ego hadn't run my life so completely back then, might I have found strength in relationships with them in high school?

Then, there is Paula.  Paula was a life-long friend of Sharon's, one I just never took time to get to know.  Again, through Facebook, Paula and I connected and it seemed at first like we might have the standard "Hi, great to see you again!" sort of relationship, but it quickly took a drastic turn.  A few months after our "friending," Paula experienced a most dreadful tragedy.  I felt inexplicably compelled to share some deeply personal thoughts with Paula.  As with Karen, something I wrote found its mark with Paula and our relationship took off from there.  Now I feel she is a friend I have known since the beginning of time, yet it's been only a year or so since we connected.  Paula came into town from Virginia this summer and I was fortunate to spend a day with her and Sharon.  We shared so much, a lifetime of friendship was compacted into roughly 12 hours.  Definitely, Paula and I had a contract that needed to be fulfilled, my heart knows this with certainty.

Paula, Sharon and I share a bottle of wine.

After 32 years, toasting friends both old and "new."

But yeah, lots of people have reconnected over Facebook and maybe my stories aren't compelling evidence of predestined soul agreements.  Let's try another example...Diane McGuire, my "intuitive hair artist!"  (Please don't judge Diane's artistic gifts by my hair!  Diane does an amazing job with my crazy locks and nobody can hold a candle to her work.....I just can't replicate her work in the comfort of my own bathroom. Ha ha!)

Having a particularly bad hair day, I got Diane's name from Darlene at Creve Coeur Watch and Jewelry.  (Darlene is the same friend who put me in contact with my spiritual guru, Josephine.  Clearly, Darlene and I had an agreement as well!)  Diane and I hit it off like long lost friends from day one.  She is like my twin except she has super-cute, STRAIGHT hair.  We have similar (unconventional!) ideas on everything.....it's bizarre.  Every time I go to Diane, some amazing coincidences crop up.  Incredible as these things are, they aren't really blog worthy; coincidences kinda happen to everybody, right?  Still, it's always in the back of my mind...."What's going to surface THIS TIME when I get a hair cut?"  One day in May, when Diane was cutting my daughter's hair, we talked about movies and she said About Schmidt was one of her favorites.  I had never even heard of this movie, but made a mental note that I'd like to see it....Would it be on Netflix?  After her haircut, Paige and I went to the Goodwill.  We walked aimlessly, you just never know what might strike your fancy!  Claire had recently gotten a turntable and Paige suggested looking through the vinyl for something Claire might like.  In the media section as I was rifling through the albums, Paige said "Hey mom!  Isn't that the movie Diane just said we should see?"  Sure enough, there right in front, the first DVD in the stack, was About Schmidt!  CRAZY!  Shivers still running up my spine, we went to the checkout counter.  Who was in front of us in line?  DIANE!  We laughed, acknowledging that there just IS something between us.  

I went to Diane for some awesome "sun glitz" a couple weeks ago.  I was really excited to share some big news with her.  I'm taking a big step off my safe and secure path of tried and true.  I've signed up for Martha Beck's Life Coach Training!  (More about that in next month's post.)  When I arrived, she proudly presented me with her new brochure on the spiritual / life coaching business she and her husband have created together.  I had to laugh.  We've never discussed this similar goal, yet here we are stepping off onto the same path, at the same time.  Of course, I should have KNOWN this!  Diane and I are nothing if not on the same path!  Diane and Daniel make an amazing team and their history together is so rich.  I am thrilled for them and all of their clients, present and potential, knowing that their blessings will inevitably enrich my life as well.  This is just how it works for Diane and me; it's how the agreement between our souls works. I hope to fully understand our "pact" one day, but for now I simply appreciate the fact that every visit with Diane is guaranteed to strengthen my belief in the profound presence beyond the material realm which orchestrates our lives.

In retrospect, many soul agreements are crystal clear.  I'd love to give a shout out to each and every one that accepted the challenge of participating in my life.  For many years I was an extremely difficult person and brave were the souls who stepped up to the plate for me. One day I will write a book about all the twists and turns of my journey; joys created through sorrow, wisdom from pain, and peace, the "peace which passeth understanding" I was blessed to find when I so briefly tasted the beauty of death.  None of the highs could ever have been without the corresponding lows and all along the way there were souls who'd agreed to play their part.  Whether they agreed to knock me down or help me back to my feet. I owe each and every one a debt of gratitude for helping me reach this vantage point, this top of the world perspective that is mine when I choose to open my eyes. 


Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!

(Note:  If you want the best haircut of your life, do yourself a favor and call Diane McGuire at Intuitive Hair... 314.974.8175.  You'll feel great about your hair and, heck, life in general when you step out of her salon!)

Reunited Though We'd Never Met

As soon as I regained normal consciousness after my near death experience (NDE,)  I instantly recognized the thoughts going through my mind.  You know, the little voice that says things like "Your hair looks like a rat's nest," "You're so clumsy," and "You could never do that!"  Suddenly, the frequency of this voice had been tuned in clearly and the volume turned up.  I had no choice but to hear the fear mongering, confidence devastating comments "I" had for myself.

Instantly I saw how cruel I was to myself, holding myself to unrealistic standards of perfection.  Just as quickly as I'd begun to "hear" these thoughts, I also found myself analyzing them.  Why do I think this?  Where did this thought come from?  Do I really believe it?  This thought analysis flowed effortlessly and I saw that unhealthy experiences from long ago were still affecting me through distorted, unrecognized thought patterns.

This voice in my head was just as critical of others.  Worst of all I realized I'd planted the seeds of perfectionism in my beautiful daughters.  Within hours of my NDE, I'd begun a mental list of amends I'd need to make with my children, husband and many others.  Intolerance creates so much pain.  I wanted all my relationships to be based on complete acceptance and honesty from now on.

I finally accepted that I can never BE perfect.  I am human....  My NDE showed me that I am not my body; not the thoughts in my mind nor am I my mind.  I am, and we are all, individual pieces of the One Spirit spending a very brief time in a physical world.  This process of learning, and failing along the way, is the very nature of creation.  It's the means by which we learn to love unconditionally.....learn to love each other just because we ARE.....and this love will, one day, create absolute unity, the Oneness I'd witnessed in my NDE.

With this knowing, it became easier to forgive.  By the grace of God, I'd received a beautiful gift.  It helped me realize that I can't hold those who hurt me accountable for their actions.  They don't understand.  They haven't seen what has been revealed to me.

With forgiveness, healing began to occur on every level, physical, mental and emotional.  The message that countless priests had tried to impart during innumerable homilies finally settled in. As I released my greatest grudges, I felt like the Grinch on Christmas morning....my heart opened up and it grew with each burden I unloaded.  

While forgiveness comes more easily now, forgetting???...not so much.  There is a reason the human mind has the capacity to recall.  Memory allows us to imagine what will happen next based on previous experiences.  This keeps us safe and helps us achieve our goals.  While I can forgive others, my memories create fear and I have created protective barriers I remain sheltered within.  As my emotional wounds heal, I am beginning to discern when it is safe to step out of my shelter.  When I feel strong, I look for opportunities to do good to those who have hurt me.  On these occasions when I am brave enough to try, I might receive a sign that pats me on the back, urging me to continue the quest for soul growth.  

The ties with my birth family were severed on September 3, 2011, the night of my NDE.  I had known for years that I needed to remove myself for my own good, but I allowed societal norms to over-ride my gut instinct.  My mother cut the ties for me that night and I am eternally grateful to her for changing the course of my life.  In gratitude I have found forgiveness, but memories and fears still remain.  Working through these fears, I find more healing and personal growth.

On Thursday, September 19, 2013, I accepted a challenge from my higher Self to conquer another fear.  I was rewarded with more synchronicity and serendipity.  Through a distant relative, one of two brave souls in the family strong enough to bear the repercussions of maintaining a relationship with me, I learned that my father had been hospitalized in Washington, Missouri.  After meditation this particular morning, I decided to take some photos of my daughters out to him.  I called my boss and took the day off.  I told no one where I was going, not even my husband, David.

I drove to Washington, mentally preparing for the challenge of walking into a room where I was not welcome.  I parked the car in the hospital lot and prayed for strength.  Slowly, I walked into the hospital, focusing on each step, trying to remain "in the moment" and balanced, trying to stem the tide of the fear welling up in the pit of my stomach.  Breathe Nancy, breathe, I repeated to myself.

As I walked into the hospital I realized I didn't know the room number.  I went to the front desk and asked the receptionist for this information.  Another woman was standing there; she had been visiting with the desk attendant.  I did not know the visiting woman.  When she heard my father's name, she asked about my mother....was I her daughter?  My heart pounded and my head began to spin, how should I answer this seemingly simple question?  Many possible answers popped into my mind.... "At one time I was?"  "Yes, but I am estranged?"  I finally forced out a simple, "Yes."  She introduced herself by name and explained she knew my mother.  Also in the process of giving birth, she had shared the labor room with my mother in this very hospital when I was being born; in those days it was called St. Francis Hospital.  Then I recalled my mother speaking of this woman.  She'd given her daughter an unusual name that I clearly recalled.  This was unbelievable!  This stranger was with me the day I was born and our paths didn't cross again for another 49 years when, "by chance," we met in the same hospital, now called Mercy Hospital, where our paths had first crossed.  The thought occurred to me that she was present during my physical birth and here she was again as I was birthing a stronger version of myself.  We spoke briefly and it felt surreal.  There were so many questions that came to mind but I needed to continue my journey, so I moved on.  Alone in the elevator, I felt a sense of gratitude.  I wasn't entirely sure what this "coincidence" meant, but there was no denying that the brief reunion deeply affected me.

The elevator stopped, I took a deep breath and walked down the hallway.  When I arrived at my father's room, from the hallway I could see he was alone.  I breathed a sigh of relief and walked into his room.  Things were a bit awkward for us but we were generally happy to see one another.  I gave him the photos and we discussed my daughters; it was almost pleasant.  Then my mother arrived and my emotional balancing act came undone.  My heart began to race, my head was spinning; I was shaking violently inside.  It took all my strength to remain standing.  As anticipated, though the emotional tension was palpable, we pretended September 3, 2011 never happened.  She spoke pleasant words, said it was nice to see me.  I lied and said the same to her.  Small talk ensued and what could not possibly have been more than ten minutes seemed to last an eternity.  My father's lunch arrived and I was invited to stay.  Fear was bearing down on me and I knew I could not maintain my composure for much longer so I declined the invitation and excused myself, saying goodbye.  I wanted to run down the hall, afraid I was going to vomit.  Trying to maintain some semblance of respectability, I did a sort of speed-walk to the nearest restroom, ran to the first stall and fell apart.  I wept violently yet silently, not wanting to attract attention.  I have no idea how much time passed but it seemed an eternity until I could collect myself enough to move out of the restroom.  Eventually I felt strong enough to walk and headed for the security of my beloved little red car waiting for me in the lot.

In the lobby, I assessed my physical state and realized I was in absolutely no condition to drive.  I found a park bench outside and sat down.  I let the sun shine on my face and breathed deeply.  I used every technique I've ever learned to calm and center myself.  I was not particularly proud that I'd lost my composure but I was happy I'd pushed beyond the limits of my comfort zone.  It was tremendously difficult, but I did it.  Could I have done better?  Yes.  Was it the best I could do at that time?  Absolutely.

Finally calming down, I checked my messages and found something unexpected.  An uncle had included me on an e-mail!  It was distributed family-wide, updating everyone on my father's health status.  Never before had this happened.  To have contact with me is akin to aiding and abetting the enemy so this seemed to me a brave act on his part.   I was grateful for this small acknowledgement that I might matter to him.  This has never again happened, so perhaps I was an accidental inclusion in the distribution list that day.  Still, I felt it was another nod of approval.  I closed my eyes and felt a sense of gratitude welling up within me and just then my phone rang.  It was David.  He asked if I would like some company for the afternoon; the idea of leaving work to "hang out" had just come to him out of the blue.  He had absolutely no idea where I was.  There was nothing in the world I needed more than to be with him, in his comforting presence.  I told him where I was, what I'd experienced and that his timing was pure synchronicity.

I drove home slowly, still wobbly from the day's events and David met me there.  Over a couple of drinks, we talked for hours.  We talked about the tremendous, invisible force called fear and the greater power of the intentional will that brings desired change.  Where fears once unconsciously guided me, intention now drives me toward purposeful goals and it is the power of will and determination that bring strength and courage through grace when I need it most.   The serendipity and synchronicity of the day were signs to me that my actions were good but also that they were divinely orchestrated.  I'd accomplished a significant personal goal that day, but I wasn't alone in the process.  Completely drained but at peace, I was grateful for the grace that had carried me and the signs I'd been blessed with all through the day.  Once again, I found myself wondering........"Just how amazing IS this thing called life?!"

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!

Ask and You Shall Receive...and receive and receive and receive.......

Life is a series of opportunities to figure out who we are and why we are here.  I will admit, I spent the first 47 years of my life, more or less, in complete ignorance of this fact.  I blindly clung to a set of hand-me-down beliefs, both formally taught and unconsciously absorbed as an indiscriminate child.  I tried to follow the "rules" to lead a "good" life.  Yet time and again, life shook things up, presenting difficult decisions.  There were only ever two choices, really.  1) Struggle to remain on course;  stay in my comfort zone, knowing the outcome would be some variation of what I'd already experienced, or 2) Let go of my attachment to a desired outcome; step outside the box of self-imposed limitations, make a different choice and see what life wanted to hand me.  The greatest things always happened when I could let go of my ideas and admit that what I had once been so sure was the right way, really wasn't working out at all.  Out of habit and ignorance, I spent most of my life trying to make it go according to my plans; plans to keep things simple and comfortable.  But my Soul wants to grow and growth doesn't come without change and often, discomfort.

I made a decision in August of 2011 that lead to a life-altering experience in September of that year.  (Later, I would understand this was a near death experience, or NDE.  See my first post, January 2014.)  This event clearly illustrated for me that the curve balls in my life had each been a distinct wakeup call from my Soul, patiently waiting for me to open my eyes so I could see the path I was truly meant to follow.

Once I "woke up," I had to deal with some of the darkest days but they too were rich with blessings.  True family and friends revealed themselves.  I humbly acknowledged the mistakes of many years and began making amends wherever possible, lifting great weight off my shoulders.  The serendipity and synchronicity of a more authentic life began unfolding for me with incredible frequency.  I became like a kid in a candy store; always like a child on Christmas morning.  I woke each day asking myself "What is going to happen today?!"

Being a scientist, I wanted to understand how and why my life was changing, mainly because I wanted to hold onto the tremendously deep sense of peace that had settled over my life.  I set out to find answers.  In early 2012 I saw a couple of therapists.  Because their practices revolve around depression and anxiety and because my NDE was from an emotional trauma rather than a physical one, neither doctor recognized that I'd had an NDE.  They saw that my history was emotionally unhealthy and lauded the actions I'd taken to end a toxic cycle for the sake of my children.  They helped me take the first steps in the process of healing the pain born generations before me, to grasp the depth and breadth of this legacy.  They were tremendously helpful but the work of understanding and healing the past seemed retrospective, I had my sights set on a wonderful future.  I felt like a race horse at the starting gate.  I needed to run, but I didn't know which way to go.

In April of 2012, I found my way to Mystic Valley Book Store.  (See my February 2014 post.)  There I found people who could relate to my new "vision."  In June of that same year, I joined a study group, comprised of "seekers" like myself.  The group was amazing and I learned so much from them.  After some months though, something just didn't seem right, I felt I needed to move faster still.  Somehow I knew a new teacher would come to me.  In the fall of 2012, I found myself in Creve Coeur Watch and Jewelry.  Funny thing, the owner, Darlene, knew someone who wanted to teach.  I knew nothing about this new teacher, Josephine, and due to time constraints, starting her class would necessitate cutting ties with the familiar group that had become the biggest part of my new family.   It was an extremely difficult decision but I began classes with Josephine in January 2013.  After my first class, on January 7, I asked God for a sign that I was on the right track, that this was where I needed to be.  The response was loud and clear.

On January 9th after a very long day at work, I hit the sack, completely exhausted.  David was still up watching TV.  As I began to fall asleep, I found myself out in our front yard!  It was very odd.  This was not a dream state.  I could actually FEEL the cold bricks beneath my feet, the prickly feel of the shrubbery on my fingertips.  I was lucid and out of my body!  I had heard of astral projection and thought this must be what was happening.  I walked up the front steps and opened our front door, feeling the cold brass knob in my hand.  In the foyer, I looked around, yes, there were the dusty baseboards.  I walked into the guest bathroom, felt the cold marble, running my hand along the entire length of the vanity.  I wondered...Can I sit down?!  Yep, felt the toilet under me!  Oh wow, this is SOOOO cool!!!  Then I walked into the kitchen.  I wanted to see if I could find the coffee grounds in the basket.......and then David sat down on the bed and brought me back to my normal, waking consciousness.  In a very groggy state, I tried to relate to him what had just happened to me.  I was thrilled and wanted to go "back" again, but fell asleep in the process of trying.

Sometime during the night, I had a dream.  The quality of the dream was unusual, a very different "feeling" that I can't describe.  This was a new feeling for me.  In this dream, I was in our family room with two fawns and a big black dog.  I knew they needed to be moved outdoors.  I was not afraid of this unfamiliar dog.  I picked him up under his front legs and my right hand was severely pinched.  It was as if he had bitten me with his "armpit," but intuitively, I knew he did not mean for it to happen.  I released the dog from my hold and looked at it.  We gazed into each other's eyes.  In a telepathic transmission of knowledge (which I'd also never experienced before) the dog quite clearly said to me "I am sorry I hurt you.  I didn't WANT to do it, but I HAD to."  Even in this dream state, I was completely amazed that this dog could communicate with me, using only our minds.  Then, in my dream, I lead the two fawns out into our back yard, encouraging them to move away, where they needed to go.

I awoke from this dream still feeling a tremendous sense of connection to this dog.....this was not just a dream.  It was significant and I needed to understand it.  I sat up in bed, looking out into the darkness, trying to understand the message I'd just received.  It was then that the vision appeared.  With my eyes open, I saw the most bizarre vision I'd seen in my life to that point.  Shattered shards of thick glass, with electrified edges surrounded me.  The shards were a variety of muted colors and the edges coursed with currents of visible electricity....like lightning around the edges of each piece.  The pieces then came flying together to form a picture in front of me.  It was a cartoon "drawing" of a man dressed in 1940's attire.  He looked like Dick Tracy from the old comic strips.  I blinked my eyes.....What in the world is happening to me?!?!  When my eyes were closed, the vision remained.  Opened eyes.....vision still there.  Then, the "cartoon" shattered again, back into a million electrified pieces around me.  The tiny electric glass bits came together again to reveal the same "Dick Tracy" sort of man, but this time in another pose.  Again and again, the electrified glass shattered and came together, reforming to create picture after picture for me.  Sometimes it would be more than one character, other times, just the man, but always, in the cartoon style.  I can't tell you how long this vision state lasted.  I blinked, shook my head, tried everything I could to control this vision, but I couldn't.  Then, just as suddenly as it had come to me, it was gone.  I blinked, shook my head, did everything I could think of to make it come back, but it was not to be.

I was shaken up.  The dog and the vision were pulsing in my mind.  These were profound experiences for me.  I was completely confused and somewhat frightened.  I woke David up and with as much coherence as I could muster in this condition, tried to relate the experiences to him.  He just held me until I was able to fall asleep.  

I slept through the rest of the night, and awoke feeling like a different person, although, again, I can't really explain how I'd changed.  I got out of bed and furiously began journaling the night's experiences.  I had to recall every detail and try to understand......the astral projection, the dog in my dream, the vision.....so much to digest.  

As I got dressed for work, I felt like I was on a different plane.  Everything was a bit surreal and fuzzy for me still.  I felt like I was actually WATCHING myself go through my morning routine.  As I packed my lunch for work, my youngest daughter came to the kitchen for breakfast.  She said "Mom, I had the coolest dream last night!  You were leading two baby deer in the back yard!  They were so cute!"  You could have knocked me over with a feather.  We'd shared parts of the same dream!  I'd heard of mutual dreaming, but had never experienced it.  I was shaking again.  This was incredible! 

So much to process.  My mind couldn't focus.  All day I was lost in thought about everything that happened over the course of roughly eight hours the night before....how and why?!  Then it came to me.  Three days before, I'd asked for a sign that I was on the right track.  I'd received not one but FOUR signs.  For me, these were signs of expanding consciousness.  Everything I'd been learning about the mind and connection to our Creator (God, Source, etc.,) was beginning to tangibly reveal itself to me in remarkable ways and all I had to do was ask.

Once again, I'd been richly rewarded for stepping out of my comfort zone.  I am nothing if not a creature of habit, but I followed my gut, took a chance, made a change where the outcome was far from certain and the end result was beyond my wildest dreams....literally!  I'm beginning to recognize the signs "life" gives me when I'm stubbornly pushing my own agenda, when I need to adjust my course, when my plan isn't THE plan.  I'm beginning to trust that part of me that can't logically be explained and slowly learning to let go of the reins with the belief that things will work out for the best.  I think this is what "Thy will be done" means for me! 

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!

The Angels said "Get Coffee!"

There are times in your life when you know you will meet a lot of new people; during college years, employment changes, and relocations to name a few. A near death experience doesn't come to mind as one of those times, but several of the most remarkable people have come into my life through seemingly “random happenstance” since my NDE on September 3, 2011.  But I know these weren't "random" meetings.  They were Divinely timed and orchestrated events between the seeker in me and spiritual teachers I needed at very specific points in my life.  Some remain by my side to this day, guiding me through formal studies to deeper levels of self-realization.  Others have been momentary acquaintances who have marked my life indelibly with words they could never have known I so desperately needed to hear in the brief moments we shared.

I had a standing appointment with my spiritual teacher on Friday mornings for several months.  We’d meet for a couple of hours at her house in the City (St. Louis) where she would share her wisdom, tirelessly making every effort to help me understand and consciously utilize my intuitive abilities.  Everyone has these abilities, but in order to recognize them, self-awareness is crucial.  In the process of self-discovery, unresolved (sometimes long forgotten) issues began to surface for me and so, out of necessity, my lessons expanded to include therapy.  Some days I would leave “class” feeling overwhelmed with the amount of painful, deeply personal “work” necessary to achieve the state of consciousness I seek.  I want to experience great leaps toward expanded consciousness, complete with sure, visible signs that I am on the right track!!  I experienced this invaluable gift with my NDE and expected progress would continue, just as effortlessly, at that same warp speed, but progress seemed to slow to a crawl.

After one Friday morning session, when I was especially down, feeling as though my hard work was getting me nowhere, my teacher reminded me that I need to invoke the help of my angels more often.  They will guide me if I ask…..and listen.  And so, I did.  I got in my car, feeling both frustrated and determined.  I looked around to make sure nobody was going to see me talking to myself and I said “Okay, angels, what do you want me to do?!”  Nothing came to me, no lightning bolt or tap on the shoulder so I started the car and began driving east on Arsenal Street.

A little bit of back story.....  On the evening of my very first class at the home of my teacher, coming from work, I had a few minutes to kill.  I saw a coffee shop, Benton Park Café.  I thought a cup of coffee would be nice but I couldn’t find a convenient parking spot so I kept driving.  About half a block past the cafe, I felt compelled to turn around and try again.  Sure enough, I found a spot near the front door.  I got a cup of coffee and found this space especially appealing but hurried off so I wouldn’t keep my teacher waiting.

Subsequently, every Friday morning after “class,” I felt an unexplainable urge to go to a coffee shop.  Having lived in the City for many years, there were a few familiar choices within a reasonable distance, so I tried them over the course of several weeks.  I had the idea (logically, in my mind, not my gut) that I would randomly reconnect, with an old City friend in a way that would surely indicate Divine assistance.  For several weeks, I'd just read a book while drinking my coffee, waiting for this unknown, random friend to pop up….. Hartford Coffee Company, Bread Co on Grand Avenue, Shaw Coffee….zilch.  Nothing special ever came of those ventures so I thought I’d move out of my comfort zone.  The “Minnesota Friends” from previous posts highly recommended Sump, at the corner of Jefferson and Winnebago, so I gave that a shot.  I got a sense of “You’re getting closer!” when I saw they served a cup called “Kyoto.”  David and I visited Kyoto, Japan together in December 2012 and there is deeply spiritual significance for us in this city.  I ordered the Kyoto and was immediately transported back to this holy city with the first sip.  I am no connoisseur of coffee, I could not tell you what “hint,” “note” or “flavor” I detected, but I was amazed that flavor alone could stir me in this way.  Still, I knew, this was just a mile marker for me, not the ultimate destination where I was being called.

Back to talking to my angels in the car..….  As I was heading east on Arsenal Street, I began making a left turn onto Jefferson Avenue, heading for home.  Mid-way through the turn, in the middle of the intersection, I knew I HAD to go to Benton Park Cafe.  Thankfully there was no oncoming traffic (nor police nearby) so I whipped the car back onto Arsenal continuing east to Benton Park Cafe.  I had no idea what to expect, but knew this is where I needed to be.  I found a parking spot right by the front door, quite a feat in the City, on-street parking only. 

When I arrived, there was only one seat available in the entire shop, it was at the counter.  The waitress hesitantly asked me if I minded sitting there.  I thought, why not?!  I put my book down on the stool and the very ordinary looking gentleman dressed in athletic wear on the next stool quickly gathered his things that had migrated onto the counter-top territory which I had just claimed.  I assured him I didn’t need much room, only getting a coffee.  I scanned the crowd for a sign….why was I here? 

I ordered coffee as new my neighbor got his doggy bag from the waitress.  He explained that he was taking it home to his two dogs as he does every Friday morning.  Being a dog lover, I asked about his dogs and the conversation took off.  He told me about his dogs, showing me their photos on his phone.  We introduced ourselves.  He was Jon C.  (He is unaware of this blog post, so I won’t use his last name, but suffice it to say I have looked him up and verified much of the info he gave me.)  Jon flipped through all of the dog photos and unintentionally beyond.  I saw a picture of him on the set of the TV show Dallas!  How did he end up there?!  Being self-employed, his business takes him all around the country and he just wound up being an extra on the set!  How strange is that?!  I learned his business is located in Florida, but he finds it easier to run from the center of the country.  He really likes the City of Saint Louis, so he keeps a home in the Soulard neighborhood.  We continued the talk about dogs.  He’d rescued them; one came from a man he'd been helping through the struggles of a drug addiction.  This seemed interesting to me.  I wanted to know more but didn’t want to be nosy.  

We talked a bit about his business, then he asked “What do you do?”  I paused for a very long time, chuckled and said “I don’t know anymore.”  He was curious, so I explained I’d had a “life-altering experience” and am trying to figure out who I am in the aftermath.  His demeanor changed and he asked if I would share details.  Trying not to be dramatic, I summarized that I’d had a NDE, experienced “Oneness” through that event and now I am on the quest to make that my permanent state of Being.  I said I am studying metaphysics, doing my best to apply what I’m learning to my daily life and slowly, but surely, understanding what life is really about.  Jon stopped me at that point.  He said he knew exactly what I experienced as soon as I’d used the word “Oneness.”  He’d been there, too!  Jon had a rough start to life and also a critical turning point.  We talked for quite some time about our experiences.  You can’t put them into words, yet best efforts with fantastical phrases and even use of words that aren’t really words, made it clear that we’d both had the same experience.  It created a strong sense of familiarity between us, a relationship that could not have been with any other person in the coffee shop that morning.  Our meeting was pre-destined and we knew it.

Making this connection opened the door to a much deeper conversation.  I learned Jon was very much down on his luck at one point.  He now runs a very lucrative business, yet it means little to him.  His passion and purpose in life is helping those who are in need.  Jon just recognizes them when he sees them……and this is how he came to own the big black dog that started our conversation in the first place.  Jon’s self-healing came through a program called Life Cleanout.  (I found his photo on the testimonials page at Lifecleanout.com when I got home.)  Jon told me he was the inspiration for the book, Healing Alex, written by Life Cleanout founder, Gary Sinclair.  Jon said Gary gave him a shout out on the cover of the book.  Jon is symbolized by the boy and his black dog….like the one I’d seen in the pictures on Jon’s phone.

I confessed to Jon that I was really feeling down; like my spiritual progress had come to a standstill even with tremendous amounts of hard work.  Jon carefully chose his words and reminded me that I am “awake” now; I will progress at the right pace for me, no matter how hard I push.  I need to sit back and just allow it to happen, let it flow to me while opening my heart and listening instead of trying to direct my life.  I could never have MADE our paths cross, yet, it happened effortlessly.  Couldn’t I see I was guided exactly where I needed to be??  I spent maybe 30 minutes of my life with Jon yet there was a tremendous connection.  We parted ways with the warm embrace of old and dear friends who may never see each other again, then he headed out the door with his doggy bag.  He’d just helped another person in need.

Besides the obvious reminder to stop trying to force things to happen, my interaction with Jon was the perfect reminder that we all have the potential to be a light in the darkness for someone.  A little smile or kind words to a perfect stranger may be just what is needed in that moment.  It really is just that simple yet I can find so many ways to complicate things by pushing my own agenda.

My faith had been lagging and Jon boosted me up.  I received an incredibly special gift in the form of my NDE but not every day will yield such tangible evidence of my spiritual progress.  I need to believe even when I can’t “see.”   Progress will be evident over time, but I must be patient, with faith.  I’ll have accomplished days and those when I flat out fail, but still, I am moving in the right direction.  Each day I am guided toward opportunities where I can either be an example of love or learn how to love; I can give of myself or maybe I will receive.  Each day is a dance of the yin and yang of the Universe.  I try to see life from this higher perspective but sometimes I simply have to ask my angels to lead me.  I will get where I need to be in life, but I have to let go of the idea that I am in control.  Easier said than done!!!

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!

Treasures from Mexico

The hardest part about leaving my birth family has been watching my innocent children experience the hurt of conditional love.  My daughters only know the love of grandparents as expressed by Hallmark on select holidays and birthdays now.  I find both heartbreak and tremendous pride each time my girls courageously make a phone call to or go to visit adults who do not reciprocate.  The wisdom of my dear, sweet Grandma comes to mind at these times.  She often said, "Nothing so bad ever happens that something good doesn't come out of it."  I believe the blessing here is that my extreme choices are being validated for my children.  They are gaining insights and lessons that my words alone could never impart; actions speak louder than words.  Valuable lessons or not, what parent doesn't try to shield their child from pain?

Christmas holds high (and often unrealistic) expectations in our culture.  It can be a challenging time for the "ideal" family, let alone our tiny, fragile one in the earliest stages of re-development.  We spent our "first Christmas" in Riviera Maya, Mexico.  I harbored no illusion that we could run away from the sadness, but David and I hoped a change of scenery would minimize painful reminders of traditionally family-oriented times for our girls.

We had fun in the sun, occupying our minds in all sorts of ways.  On Christmas Eve, we took a taxi to Puerto Moreles and attended midnight Mass at the church of San Jose.  We were welcomed by those with whom we could not communicate; a big smile and "Feliz Navidad!" seemed to create an instant bond.  After so many years of attending Roman Catholic Mass, we didn't need to speak the language to understand the Mass offered up in Spanish.  We enjoyed singing Christmas carols in the foreign language and I wondered about the meaning of holiday decorations that made no sense to me.  I loved the fact that there was a giraffe in the manger!  Still, I could not help but break down while singing Noche de Paz (Silent Night.)  I wept for many reasons, but mostly for the two beautiful young women sitting beside me, for relationships and love they would never know.  This was one of the saddest times in my life, but it strengthened my resolve to become a shining example of unconditional love and acceptance to my daughters.

We returned to the US on December 28, 2011.  At the airport in Cancun, security found a metal nail file in my purse that I'd forgotten to place in checked luggage.  After all my preaching to the girls about carry-on rules, I was busted!  We all watched as the Mexican TSA agent took my nail file and threw it in the big gray trash can. 

Maybe it is just me, but I "know" my "beauty implements."  Stashed in a number of convenient locations, I have a variety of nippers, tweezers, files, etc., but I know them all; which ones serve in a pinch and which are the best.  I distinctly recall thinking, as that file was discarded,  "I'm glad it wasn't my favorite!"  Being OCD about snaggy nails (and certainly a lot of other things,) I made a mental note to replace the file in my purse as soon as we got home.

Luckily, some traditions would remain unchanged in this eventful year.  We still looked forward to hosting New Year's Eve dinner for friends from Minnesota and California.  These friends have become family over the years and this dinner is a highlight of each Christmas season.  We spent New Year's Eve day getting ready for the party, but I wanted to attend Mass before the guests arrived.  David worked on dinner and I went to church.

After my near death experience, Mass took on a very different quality.  I had a new perspective and understanding of the same words I'd heard thousands of times before.  The song "We Are One In The Spirit," so popular in the '70s....I literally FELT that in my NDE.  This was no longer just an abstract concept and I knew God was at the center of my profoundly spiritual experience.  I returned to Mass attempting to recreate this spiritual connection but my prayers weren't getting me where I wanted to go.  Prayer had been a one way conversation before my NDE.  After hearing God's "voice," I realized all those years I thought I was praying, I had simply been babbling about things that meant nothing in the vast scheme of things.  Furthermore, I was not even listening for a reply after my self-centered babblings.  I desperately wanted to make that "connection" I'd found in my NDE once again but I had not learned, in my entire life as a Catholic, how to do it.

Back in my familiar church on New Year's Eve, I couldn't seem to pray at all.  As I sat in this stunningly beautiful church, I compared and contrasted my experiences within the previous seven days.  I'd celebrated Midnight Mass with the poorest of people in a very simple church; now I sat among some of the wealthiest in one of the grandest churches in Saint Louis (perhaps the country?)  It seemed to me that I could feel Christ's presence more strongly in that simpler place of worship, among those dressed in ill-fitting clothes and dusty sandals.  This is not to disparage the wonderful people in my parish, but in Mexico I had felt the space for the awareness of God created by detachment from the need for more than the barest of necessities.  

I went through the motions at Mass on New Year's Eve, listened to a lovely (as always!) homily by Fr. Marek but knew that I needed to look elsewhere if I was going to find my way back to the Oneness I'd glimpsed in my NDE.  I didn't know how it would happen, but I was going to find a way.  I drove home from Mass wondering where in the world to turn, how to proceed if my life-long religion couldn't help me.  A sense of determination was sparked within me.  I couldn't identify the feeling, but it seemed certain and comforting, if completely obscure.

Back at home, I parked my car in our garage and grabbed my purse. Then I saw it.  There on the passenger seat, lying where my purse had been was THE nail file that had been confiscated in Mexico four days earlier!  My body went completely numb for a few seconds.

This file was not on the seat when I got in the car after church.  This file had not fallen out of my purse (the replacement was still in place) and as I mentioned earlier, I knew the file.  This was the file that was left behind in Mexico.  I ran to David, blabbering like a crazy woman.  As I tried to explain....tried to make sense of this, I began to cry.  I was a bit frightened and yet, crazy happy; I felt, with that deep sense of "knowing" that I now clearly recognize, that someone or something was reaching out to me. 

I spent the rest of the evening in a kind of fog, detached from what was going on around me.  Yes, it is true that we had quite a bit of wine that night, but there was a different quality to this feeling; a separation of sorts, like walking on a cloud or being carried along.  My friend-family hypothesized and proposed ideas on the appearance of the file.  It couldn't be the file!  It must have fallen out of my purse or emerged from the seat somehow!  (Those of you who know me will know that I do NOT drive a cluttered car!  : )  In the end, everyone had their own idea but for me, there was and still is no doubt.  This was THE file and its appearance was significant. 

[Aside:  Our house is unquestionably haunted; I'm considering a blog on this subject as well. For quite some time, I believed the nail file episode was our friendly resident ghost making his/her presence known in yet another silly way.  Over the course of time, as I've learned more about myself and "how I work" since my NDE, I've come to understand what I was really feeling that night and it was not the work of our ghost.]

This is a big year for my little family.  My oldest daughter graduated high school and her senior year brought bitter-sweet moments.  Anyone who has raised a child understands, but I struggle emotionally when I see three generations posing for a photo to commemorate special times.  When sadness creeps in, I try to concentrate on the blessings I've been granted with the struggles.  I am grateful for newly found happiness and strengthened relationships with those who remain in my life.  However, I am most grateful for that glimpse of Oneness in my near death experience.  In that tragic/magic event, the veil that covered my eyes was lifted.  Now I understand that life is simply a series of opportunities for us to recognize our unity with all beings.  Knowing that this veil exists helps me to forgive.  When I am strong enough to pull myself out of an emotional state, I can see others' actions objectively without taking them personally.  In the right frame of mind, I recognize that others do not yet understand what I have been so blessed to "see," and it eases my pain.

I try to view life always through this new "lens," but I am only human.  It is difficult for me to remain in that higher state of mind.  Some life-long relational issues are so deeply rooted that I am overcome by emotional reaction and fall into habitual patterns of behavior before I can consciously choose to be in that higher state of mind.  It is a lot of hard work, but I am learning and improving my ability to access this God conscious perspective.  I have been blessed with the kindness and generosity of teachers who have walked this path before me.  Naturally, serendipity and synchronicity have brought us together in most unusual ways!  As I spend greater amounts of time in that higher state of awareness, I realize I am making that spiritual connection I wanted so badly on New Year's Eve in 2011.  I think my nail file experience was a sort of bread crumb telling me that I had the right idea, to seek beyond the familiar as I decided that night after New Year's Eve Mass.  I'll keep working and maybe someday I'll be strong enough to face those with whom I so easily become unbalanced.  In the meantime, I bless them from afar, knowing that they are doing the best they can, still shrouded by the veil of separation...... and I am always looking for more crazy signs telling me I am on the right path!


Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!

Finding Health and Family

The body is an amazing thing.  It is incredibly resilient and under optimal conditions, the potential for self-healing is tremendous.  Born with an innate capacity to know what is healthy, the body has a way of communicating what it does not like, but we learn to tune out that subtle language at an early age.  As children, our parents define what is "good" for us and we begin to trust external authority more than intuitive knowing.  Unconsciously, we may extrapolate these designations of "good" and "bad" to situations which are beyond relevance to the original experience.  By the time we reach adulthood, we are quite adept at over-riding our inner compass and unconsciously defaulting to the irrelevant bearings of auto-pilot.  We do what we "should" or "ought to" do because that's "just the way it is," or what a "good person" does.  We learn to grin and bear it, grit our teeth and carry on without giving much thought to the feeling in our gut that is screaming "This isn't right for me!!"

By the time I was 45 years old, I thought I was pretty healthy, just a few issues: some allergies, sinus infections, colds and bouts with the flu each year.  I also had Raynaud’s Syndrome; reaching in the freezer a challenge, but I could work around that.  I’d grown accustomed to frequent headaches and backaches.  There was an ever-present muscular "knot," slightly smaller than a golf ball, on the back of my neck.  Still, I thought I was pretty healthy.

On a completely uneventful spring morning, returning home from the girls’ school, I suddenly had difficulty breathing.  I struggled with the proverbial elephant sitting on my chest and pulled over to call 911.  Then I thought "I'm too healthy to have a heart attack."  Plus I didn’t have time to sit in an ER for hours!  (Ridiculous in hind-sight, but this was how low I ranked on my own list of priorities.)  I regained my breath, drove home and called my doctor for reassurance that there was nothing to worry about.  She was not pleased with my emergency management plan, but immediate testing showed no signs of a heart attack, so I was right.

I was quickly handed a "depression questionnaire.”  I completed it with brutal honesty and was quite proud of myself for having chosen so few of the obviously "bad" responses.  How ridiculous to think I was depressed!  I was only working part-time; we were preparing for my daughter's graduation and spring sports were in full swing.  There was one other thing......I was spending countless hours researching every last ditch effort to get my 40 year old sister-in-law into a clinical drug trial.  She was weeks away from losing her battle with melanoma, but I felt compelled to help her.  I coordinated (with the help of a very well-connected friend) an appointment with a local physician involved in promising research.  I discovered a new FDA allowance for individual use of research medication under emergency circumstances and hoped this doctor would utilize it for my sister-in-law.  My case wasn't convincing enough for him, but I had another plan.  I read about trials showing good results with persons of a particular genetic composition; we needed a tissue sample for BRAF testing.   My sister-in-law’s surgeon wasn't familiar with this research, so the morning of one surgery, I found myself begging a very hesitant medical testing laboratory in California to e-mail detailed tissue sample prep instructions to me.   They finally conceded and I drove 80 mph to Saint Louis University Hospital with a printout of the instructions so the surgeon could properly prepare the sample.  Everyone was praying for a miracle but I took action that seemed logical to me.  Every approach was against all odds, I had to try because this was my family.  I truly had no time to be depressed.

Apparently, I didn’t understand depression.  The doctor reviewed my responses and sent in a counselor.  The counselor helped me understand my stress level was beyond extreme and this was causing anxiety....and depression.  She said I was a ticking time bomb, I needed medication.  I tried a couple meds but struggled with side effects.  I quit the meds, determined to make changes on my own, if only for the sake of my husband and daughters.

I am married to an incredible man.  David has always been tremendously supportive.  He helped me learn to use the word "no," and to stand up for myself when something hurt me.  I began to observe situations that made me feel nervous or bad about myself and I learned what “bad” meant in the language of my body.  I started to recognize patterns.  I’d been taking a very passive role in the face of extremely aggressive behavior simply to keep peace with certain family members.  I’ve heard it said, "You teach people how to treat you."  I'd done a really good job of teaching some people that it was okay to treat me like dirt.  I had some re-educating to do.

My attempts at conversations about the elephants in the collective family living room were completely shut down; I was asked to “talk about something nice,” instead.  When my first few shaky attempts at assertiveness were met with escalated aggression, I became aggressive too.  Forty seven years of anger boiled over into a letter that could not be swept under a rug.  I did the best I could with the limited skills I had at that point, but the letter was undoubtedly mean-spirited.  I was deeply hurt and wanted them to understand how I felt.  In closing, I apologized for the spirit of the letter but not the message it conveyed.  I made it clear that I could not be a part of the family as it was.  I sincerely asked for a meaningful dialogue intended to improve family relations.

It's been nearly three years and this discussion has never happened.  My birth family is happy in their ways and I respect their choices.  They must follow their hearts too.  I have honored myself by standing firm in my decision to maintain my boundaries.  I am an orphan but I have no regrets.  The size of my family may be diminished, but what I have lost in quantity I have surely gained in quality of life. 

Life is more peaceful with my husband and children since I've stopped wasting time and energy in fear of ugly conflict.  We laugh more; I'm learning to let my guard down and relax.  I've relaxed so much in fact that a co-worker asked if I've been taking horse tranquilizers.  The change in my personality has been that dramatic.

The emotional wounds are healing steadily, but what I find most remarkable is how quickly my body healed once I removed myself from stressful relationships.  I no longer get headaches, my back doesn’t hurt and the knot on my neck was gone within three days of my mother's most emphatic farewell monologue.  In mid-life, my body has never felt so healthful and energetic.  I am amazed and very grateful for having the opportunity to experience a healthy life.  Better late than never!

My blog is about serendipity and synchronicity and yes, I'm getting there....

This was a really rough winter and I shoveled what seemed like tons of snow.  Three years ago, my Raynaud’s Syndrome would never have allowed shoveling; another ailment alleviated!  While I shoveled, I fantasized about being warm.  I imagined walking a beach, the sun on my skin and a warm, gentle breeze.  My mind took me back to Bora Bora, Dauphin Island and Southern California.  Kinda silly, but it kept me from dwelling on how cold I was.

And so, on January 21st, frozen stiff from shoveling, I grabbed a cup of hot tea and my “Path of the Soul” Destiny Cards.  I shuffled the cards, asked "What does Spirit want me to know?" and chose three cards.  First card:  Let your heart lead the way and take note of the synchronistic events happening around you.  Second card:  Expect the unexpected!  Small, wonderful surprises are coming your way!  Third card: Free flowing manifestation of all the good things in life that you desire.  These cards always bring a smile to my face......I wondered what small, wonderful surprises were coming my way and put the cards away.

I didn’t wonder very long.  Within 15 minutes, at 2:58 p.m., I got a text from a friend.  She invited David and me to spend a weekend in February at her brother's condo in Scottsdale, AZ.  A mutual friend from California would be joining us.  This was my wonderful surprise!  I was in awe.  This could have been the fruition of all three of the cards, synchronicity, surprise and manifesting of desires, wrapped up in one event, but no, there was more to come.

While hiking Devil’s Bridge in Sedona, AZ on February 8^th, a friend from Minneapolis texted an inside joke about the Phoenix airport.  They were coincidentally there for the weekend!  What are the odds that high school friends living drastically different lives in St. Louis, Missouri, Orange, California and Minneapolis, Minnesota would just HAPPEN to find each other in Scottsdale, Arizona one random weekend in February??  We met for a lovely dinner the following evening.  As I shared martinis and many laughs with these old and dear friends, it occurred to me that the Arizona sunshine didn’t warm me nearly as much as this gathering of friends.  These beautiful friends, so good for my soul came together and truly warmed my entire being.  This was a very special gift, indeed.

After dinner, we hugged our goodbyes and I fought back tears.  Once again, I was overwhelmed with gratitude..........for these friends, this crazy serendipitous event, and my life.  Even though we are separated by great distances, these friends ARE family to me.  They always have been.  I am not an orphan.  My family is just defined a little differently and it feels right in my heart.

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!

Narrator and The Knowing

This year, as nearly every other since 2002, my family and I spent Spring Break on Dauphin Island, a beautiful barrier island just south of Mobile, Alabama. The Island is steeped in peace and quiet.  The only chain stores you'll find are a Circle K gas station (which boasts a Redbox and Subway!) and the bare bones Chevron gas station.  There are a few family owned gift shops and restaurants.  Dauphin Island's hottest commodities are rest and relaxation.  If you want action and excitement, go across the Bay to Gulf Shores, Alabama.

Crossing the only bridge that leads to the island, a sense of calm becomes tangible.  Time slows as do my breath and heartbeat.  Unconscious thoughts in my mind are paused as I take in the beautiful surroundings.  Attuning with the simpler, slower way of life, I become centered in the present moment, aware that my body is relaxing.  

Living in the present moment is a challenge for me.  I am a relative newcomer to this concept and I fell into it quite unintentionally.  Moments after my near death experience (NDE)  a sort of "Narrator" entered my head and began analyzing my thoughts for me.  "You're worrying about something that will likely never happen."  "This is old drama.  Let it go."  "Is this your value or does it belong to someone else?"

Listening to Narrator helps me trace thoughts back to their roots.  It's become clear I've frequently adopted others' ideas to gain love and acceptance, rather than voice my own opinions and risk being different.  This fear-based adaptation became instantaneous and unconscious at a very young age.  I constructed a self to please everyone around me.  I sold my soul for a false sense of security.  My NDE was a wake-up call to unearth my true Self and this has been my mission ever since.

Two years ago on Daupin Island, Narrator said, "Meditate."  What?  Why would I waste time just SITTING THERE?  There is so much I want to do.  Persistently, Narrator kept popping into my head with this suggestion until one night, when I could not sleep, I decided to get out of bed and sit on the floor.  I had no idea what to do.  All I knew about meditation was learned from TV and movies.  So, I sat in the dark, on the floor, listening to waves crashing.  An endless train of thoughts rambled through my head.  After about 20 minutes of sitting, I got up feeling somewhat relaxed.  I promised myself to learn more about meditation and finally fell sleep.

Now meditation is a big part of my life.  I've had a variety of experiences while meditating.  Most days I simply gain a sense of peace; a calm way to start my day.  Every so often though, I receive something very special.  I receive what I just call a "Knowing."

I wish I could explain what happens, but I just Know.  (This is entirely different from Narrator's "voice.")  I Know I need to do something or be somewhere.  I had a special Knowing on Friday April 5, 2013.  This particular day, I did not have to go to work, or run errands.  I could just let the day take its course.  In my morning meditation came a Knowing that I should go to Washington, Missouri.  I believed I should go to the riverfront bike trail; I thought I'd take a walk or meditate again.  It somehow occurred to me that I should take a longer, more scenic route to Washington which I hadn't traveled in many years, and so, I did.

When I got to the edge of town I really wanted a cup of coffee, even though I'd had more than enough before leaving my house.  St. Louis Bread Company was nearby, so  I pulled into the lot, grabbed my purse and got out of the car.  I took exactly two steps from my car and came, quite literally, face to face with my cousin.  I hadn't seen her in years!  I think we were both nearly dumbfounded as we incredulously spoke the other's name.  She asked to join me for a cup of coffee.  Nothing could have made me happier!

My Knowing from the morning's meditation had been confirmed and I was thrilled.  Yet, my excitement was mixed with a certain amount of trepidation.  It is no secret that I am the family pariah; I am no longer recognized by my birth family.  Encounters with extended family are not always pleasant and if they are, the compassionate relative is at risk of being ostracized.  

"Family" brings to mind Norman Rockwell scenes and Hallmark cards but Hallmark doesn't make a card for daughters like me.  Out of love and respect for myself, I walked away from my birth family the night of my NDE.  I Knew as soon as my spirit rejoined my body, with a surety I had never before possessed, that for the sake of my Soul and physical being, I had to cut the ties with my parents and brother.  It was the hardest thing I've ever done.  I've been judged and criticized for my choice, tested time and again, but in staying true to myself I have grown immeasurably.  I found inner strength I never knew I possessed.  I learned to truly forgive.  I've also learned "family" includes supportive friends as well as those precious brave relatives willing to show their compassion.

I was greatly relieved to find that this cousin IS family for me.  We spoke for two hours over coffee that morning.  She and her siblings do not judge me.  She was understanding and compassionate as I explained my need to heal.  I long ago stopped caring what people think of me, but her words greatly comforted an orphaned aspect of me.  Her willingness to reach out that day meant more to me than she may ever know.

Coincidentally, she shared that she has also been on a spiritual journey.  She is seeking and questioning now; she's awake.  She feels compelled to explore new avenues where she can share her gifts.  We realized our spiritual lives are evolving down parallel paths.  We parted, both knowing that our meeting was more than mere chance. 

When I returned home, I was still sort of "high" from the experience, but it was time to get on with the needs of the physical world.  I checked my e-mail and saw a new message from the St. Louis Chapter of the International Association for Near Death Studies (IANDS,) a group I'd recently joined.  Just in case I didn't fully understand that my cousin and I were meant to meet that morning, the e-mail had a little message for me too......"Serendipity & Synchronicity After NDEs 'When The Time is Right.'"  

Narrator and Knowing have almost certainly always been with me, but I needed to discover my truths and reclaim some shreds of my real self before I could "hear" those still, small voices.  I believe these voices hold the key to my purpose on Earth, the lessons I need to learn and the gifts I have to share.  These voices may be faint, but I will be listening and waiting in anticipation for more synchronicity and serendipity.

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!