"Old friends yet who have not met."

If you've been following my blog, you know I had a near death experience (NDE) and it rocked my world. This blog's all about the crazy stuff that has happened since then. I recently attended the Annual Afterlife Awareness Conference, held right here in Saint Louis. I was asked to write a guest blog-post on my experience as a first-timer at this conference. I'm anxious for that to be published but in the meantime, I have to share one crazy story that happened along the way.

So, here ya' go!

I became a certified life coach in December last year. My purpose is to help people navigate some of the crap I've been through, with less pain and suffering. Early this year, I was asked to give a public presentation of "my story;" the good, the bad, the ugly and the stuff some people just won't believe. I agreed to the engagement and scheduled my first presentation of Mystical Experiences of a Former Skeptic for May 14th.

Less than a week after booking my presentation, I realized the Annual Afterlife Awareness Conference would be held in St. Louis the same weekend as my presentation. I was disappointed to think I would be completely overshadowed by this nationally recognized organization yet it seemed like a great opportunity for me to attend since it would be in my own back yard. I checked into buying a ticket but it was more than I was willing to pay since I'd miss a large portion of the events due to my own presentation. I figured it just wasn't meant to be.

On Monday, May 9th, while waiting in child’s pose for my hot yoga class to begin, I heard, in my mind, “Old friends yet who have not met.”  I wondered what this meant and promptly forgot about it. I went on about my week, anxiously scurrying and preparing for my presentation.

On May 11th, incredibly, I was notified that I WON a ticket to the conference! NO. WAY. OMG!!! Really??? I did a little happy dance in the salon where I was getting a pedicure and thought…...I guess I am SUPPOSED to be there!  I gave the technician a HUGE tip and suddenly panicked with the realization that my schedule had just changed drastically and I would have to put myself into hyper-drive to complete preparations for my own presentation.  I am a methodical introvert and this provided some challenges.  Not only did I need to release the need to control every minute detail with my presentation, but I had willingly chosen to eliminate the possibility of any “alone time” for the next several days.  In other words, this was all WAAAAY outside my comfort zone but somehow, but I believed good things were to come!

At the conference luncheon on Friday, a woman named Gina asked to sit next to me. Gina’s from Dutch Harbor, Alaska (You know Deadliest Catch?! Yeah, there.) What are the odds our paths would ever cross if not for this event?  Talking with Gina, it was abundantly clear that we had some crazy connection even though we’d not known each other before this event.  It was bizarre, almost scary, all the “Oh my gosh, ME TOOs!!” we shared.  It seemed as if we are living parallel lives in different parts of the world.  We struck up a fast friendship and started making plans, even a little dreaming and scheming about working together in the future.  It made me sad to think that I would miss so much time with my new dear friend due to my speaking engagement, so we agreed to meet early, before the conference started on Sunday morning, to squeeze in just a few more minutes together.

Driving to meet Gina before the conference on Sunday morning, the phrase that came to me on Monday returned….”Old friends yet who have not met.”  OHMYGOSH!!  This phrase foreshadowed Gina and my special friendship!  That HAS to be it!  Then the Universe told me in no uncertain terms that "I got it."  

Gina was wearing a blouse that showed a tattoo I hadn’t noticed before.  The tattoo was the Japanese kanji for “family,” with a monkey hanging by its tail from the bottom of this Japanese symbol.  How does this relate to me?  My husband travels extensively to Japan and I’ve been fortunate enough to travel with him on occasion.  We love the country, culture and people of Japan quite dearly.  What about the monkey?  Gina said she calls her kids “monkey.”  Guess what?  ME TOO!!!

Gina and I remain in contact. There's no question our meeting was orchestrated from above. It is my hope to visit Gina in Alaska. If the Universe went through that much trouble to bring us together, that's the least I can do!

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!

The Zohar

About a year ago, my spiritual teacher Josephine gave me a tiny book called The Holy Zohar.  Zohar is an ancient Hebrew word meaning "splendor."  The book had a very short portion written in English, the remainder, in Aramaic.  More than a little rusty in Aramaic, I was confused as to what value the book held for me.  The English portion of the book explained that the Zohar had been passed down as oral wisdom from Moses who received it along with the Torah on Mt. Sinai; this wisdom, everything worth knowing and experiencing in this world.  It was written down about 2000 years ago, in Aramaic and the Aramaic letters are imbued with the Light of the Creator.  Simply having this book in one's possession is said to raise the vibration surrounding him.  Scanning the pages, with no comprehension of the meaning, it says, will surround one with an aura of merciful protection.  Alrighty then!  I put it on my desk as a reminder of my dear teacher and there it sat.

A few days later, my family watched the 2014 movie Noah and the Zohar played a significant part in the film.  If I'd seen the movie any sooner, I would have had absolutely no idea what they were talking about. Hmmmm.  Interesting.  Still, the tiny pocket sized book sat on my desk, unmoved except for dusting.

About "vibrations".....  In very simple terms, EVERYTHING, even a thought, has a vibration.  The analytical scientist in me loves that these vibrations can be measured.  (I recommend reading Power vs. Force by David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D.  It blew me away as I learned how our bodies are finely tuned instruments that measure vibrations and there are very practical ways to use this instrument on a daily basis.)

Understanding the nature of vibration helped me understand "like attracts like" and the meaning of Matthew 13:12 "to those who have, more will be given."  As a Catholic, I never really studied the Bible but this passage always irked me when it was read as the Gospel at Mass.  Why on Earth would the rich get richer and the poor get poorer?!  David Hawkins' work made this crystal clear to me; it's all about your attitude, which is in fact, your vibration.  The rich aren't necessarily financially abundant, but rather those who are grateful for what they have and more just seems to come to them, quite naturally.  The poor are those who see their lot in life as insufficient and lacking.  You know these feelings and they are vibrations that can absolutely be measured.  Think about a time when you recognized something really amazing and wonderful that happened to you; this is gratitude and it would have measured at a pretty high vibration.  Then, the next thing you know, it's like you're on a winning streak.  Wow, I'm gonna buy a lottery ticket because it seems I'm living a charmed life!  Conversely, we have all had those times in our lives when we say "When it rains, it pours!"  "What else could possibly go wrong?"  These strings of events are happening because of the Universal law that like attracts like.

With this knowledge, I do my best to keep my vibration "up" as much as possible.  See the good and feel a sense of gratitude for it whenever I can.  Find the silver lining in a dark cloud if possible.  Going down the rabbit hole of self-pity or anger will not end well for me and I know this....but still there are times when I struggle.

Back to the Zohar.  A few months ago, I was feeling very low.  One of my daughters was really struggling and I felt helpless, watching her in pain.  I was scared and depressed; I could see that my state of mind was not helping the situation, but depression is hard to turn around (Again, see the Map of Consciousness in David Hawkins' Power vs. Force.)  I sought help for my daughter and through a kindred spirit and more bread crumbs from God, I found a new resource.  This was not covered by our insurance but after a lengthy interview over the phone, I decided it was worth the cost.  I accompanied my daughter to the waiting room for her first appointment.  I sat down to wait and looked straight ahead at a bookshelf.  There, on an easel for display, was a very large and heavy book staring me in the face.  It was.....The Zohar.  This was a sign for me that I was on the right track for my daughter.  I flipped through the book while I waited, amazed at how MUCH there was in this book compared to my tiny pocket version.  It brought me a lot of comfort and also, curiosity as to what this text might mean to me if I had the time to actually read it.

A few weeks went by and Josephine presented me with an early birthday gift.  It was the FULL SET of The Holy Zohar.  (FYI for those of you who know me well, there are 23 volumes in this set!)  I was overwhelmed....ask and you shall receive?!  Yeah, that.  I'd wondered about the Zohar and here it was....probably a LIFETIME of reading right in front of me.  I had no idea where to begin.  The boxes of books came home with me but life carried me away and I didn't read a word.

I received my certification as a life coach in December of 2015 and have felt the need to do something with it.  I have a few clients, run a support group and am preparing for a public speaking engagement in May.  I have been feeling like I NEED to get a website together, NEED to find more clients, NEED to make use of the investments I've made in this new career path.  I've been stressing myself out.  I'm anxious and nervous as I try to navigate the workload at my job that pays the bills while carving out time to work on my coaching business.  Add to that the fact that I still want to be the best wife and mother I can be to the loving family that has constantly supported me on my life changing journey.  I feel stress and anxiety and I KNOW this means my vibration is very low.  Knowing changes are necessary I am trying to find joy in the everyday but my skills are being challenged.

This past week was a doozy, there was a dramatic high and a directly proportional low, yin and yang for sure.  My daughter suffered a concussion during a water polo game.  There is never a good time to sustain a concussion but for a Junior in high school scheduled to take the ACT in 5 days, I thought the timing couldn't be worse.  I was worried sick with her debilitating headache and the damage done to the soft tissue and muscles in her neck.  These caused her to miss almost a full week of school then talking with the teachers, guidance and college counselors, the magnitude of the consequences took on epic proportions that overwhelmed me and threw me into a pit of despair.  

I couldn't concentrate well enough to meditate.  Prayer turned into short bursts of pleadings "Oh please dear God....!"  I have learned the best way for me to pray over the past few years. It's a matter of finding that place of stillness within me, and in a state of joy or gratitude expressing myself to God/The Universe/The Creator/Higher Self....whatever name you choose.  I was so down over the past week that I couldn't find my footing to pray the way I want to.

Yesterday after another muddled attempt at meditation, I knew I needed to take another avenue.  I needed something very tangible to illustrate what's going on inside.  Once highly skeptical, I have learned how our internal vibrations can be read using a variety of tools like pendulums and dowsing rods and I've been practicing with them.  Even tarot and oracle cards provide a wonderful means of communication with the Higher Self IF used with the proper intention.  I've been studying all of these and more as I have been on the quest to find mySelf.

First I grabbed my Tarot cards and asked "What should I be learning from these events that are upsetting me?"  Here's the message:

1. Card one describes the situation at hand.  The Hierophant, the Universal principle of learning and teaching that is experienced within life and the family, challenging us to trust our faith.  Learn how to walk the mystical path with practical feet.  Current challenges are being faced in order to grow.  Yep, this pretty much sums up EXACTLY what's going on.  
2. Card two describes the action to take.  The Queen of Rods.  Know thyself, self-mastery, self-reclamation.  Fluidity and aspiration is required to know thyself.  Self-discovery and awakening.  Yes, I need to know myself so I can learn these lessons!
3. Card three describes the outcome of this situation if I take the action described.  So, if I get to know myself well enough to grow from these experiences...what will be the outcome?  The Emperor (which is, not surprisingly, my LIFE symbol.)  If I take action to know myself and am able to grow, I will find power within myself and take on a roll of leadership.  I will be a traveler of the globe who can make things solid and secure.  Adventure and exploration will unfold.  My mind, heart and spirit will unite in decision making and taking action.  Change and transformation will result.

This is pretty much the story of my life, summed up in three cards.  I'm always stuck in my head, I need to apply what I've learned.  I need to know myself as the creator of my life (no more looking outside and asking what others think!) so I can be fully awake in this life and if I do, it seems all the things I dream of (travel, adventure, exploration, clear decision making and confident action) will come about.  I WILL BE changed and transformed as I desire.

Then the Zohar popped into my head.  Where in the world to begin?  Josephine had given me an index and there were many topics I thought might be applicable.....cleansing, energy of life, healing, protection, taking control.  I decided to use my dowsing rods to help me understand which volume would help me the most, but NONE of the topics I THOUGHT would be useful gave me a positive reading.  Very strange?!  So, I started from the beginning of the list and asked about each topic on the index.  I was absolutely stunned when I got a positive reading on....Marriage???  What??  Okay, I gotta trust this, right?  I went to the boxes of books and found volume 11..."Trumah Safra Det'zniuta"  Trumah loosely translates into 'how we are supposed to treat ourselves.'  Safra Det'zniuta; seems to mean 'one who knows it already.'  and I found this: "Although it is very lofty, nevertheless, it is a powerful experience just to read this section, even if on a conscious level one understands very little of it. There is much Light-power in it and it is said to bring blessings to anyone who reads it aloud in private....."

When I picked up this volume, an odd "bookmark" was sticking out.  

It seemed to be a product tag from some brand I did not recognize.  One side had a logo that read "not for everyone."  I looked it up and found this video....

N4E1 NotForEveryone from Backstage on Vimeo.

I had to laugh, this is SO me.  You either get me or you don't and either way is perfectly fine.

I began to read, where the bookmark fell out, between pages 32 and 33:  The Three Colors of the Flame.  Briefly summarized: 'One color rises up, one dips down, the third color appears to be concealed when the sun shines.  This color ascends and emerges to the crown, whiter than white.'   This was my message.  The two visible colors are my emotions (or vibrations) on a daily basis, I can be up or I can be down.  But it's that third color, the whiter than white, that highest vibrational energy that ascends to the crown of my head when I let go and absolutely surrender my will in dark times, THAT'S what I'm seeking.  

The message is always the same, I just need periodic reminders......let go, stop forcing things, it will all work out.  When this is my way of "being" rather than "doing," I will know myself as the true author of my life and this state will bring about all that I truly seek, that which is at the root of all desires.....peace, joy and love.

My daughter is still dealing with the symptoms of her concussion, I still have lots of questions and there are many decisions to be made to get her through the end of this school year, but I am in a better place today.  I was at the end of my rope and frazzled as I tried to control every variable.  Taking a "time out" yesterday, I got to reflect, connect the dots and indulge in some of the "magic" that makes my heart soar.  These things are always available for me, my body will always talk to me, I just need to relax and pay attention to the signs.

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!

On Forgiveness, Firetrucks and Feedback

Forgiveness.  Apparently this is one of the greatest lessons I need to learn in my lifetime. In the past few years, I've been given the opportunity to work through some profound hurt and betrayal.  In the process, I've found my "recipe" for forgiveness.  Here it is: 

1. Find a lesson in the painful experience; 
2. Experience gratitude for this lesson; 
3. Translate that gratitude into an appreciation, for some aspect (no matter how small or seemingly insignificant) of the person to be forgiven; and
4. Eventually, (not always a quick process for me,) the appreciation leads to compassion which releases me from the anger and resentment I was holding onto.

Some things I've discovered along the way:

• In my closest relationships, I need to "rinse and repeat."  The closer we are, the more opportunities for hurt.  The more I use this process, the less baggage I'm holding.
• Forgive and forget?  I do not forget. If I forget, I've lost the lesson and I'm doomed to repeat it.  It is possible for me to forgive and love someone, while recognizing behaviors that don't work for me.  This allows me to choose if and when I can safely engage again.
• I can't take it personally when others won't forgive me.  We all learn at our own pace.  I am choosing to heal and grow.
• If I can express my appreciation and compassion TO the person I am forgiving it increases my liberation exponentially.

If you follow my blog, you are familiar with my history and how I am working to find peace with my birth family.  The Christmas season is challenging because my husband, children and I are no longer part of that family.  Last week I was inspired to write some "poetry" (and I use that term loosely!) to my Dad.  I expressed appreciation for some of the good times I could recall with him.  It felt good to write; I was certainly seeking a deeper level of peace for myself but I truly hoped it would bring him joy as well.  The poem is below although the formatting doesn't work here.  (It may also help you to understand that my Dad drove an LP gas truck for years and that Amanda is a firetruck, purchased by the City of Washington, Missouri in 1946 with funds willed to the City by Amanda Kloentrup.  "Miss Amanda Kloentrup" was painted on the front bumper of the firetruck which remained in service until the early '70s....1973 I think?)

My best memories of you involve a truck, Dad. I thought I'd share some of them....

A Truck

When I was young, there were some very special days.

A big surprise!  I’d get to ride along with you in The Truck!

Into the cab of the big gas truck I’d climb.

In the passenger seat I’d ride, feeling special, chosen to share time with you.

All the day, on what must have been your longest routes, the powerful truck carried us.

I can still recall the smell of the cab, the metal folder that held your receipts, the rumble of the seat beneath me as you changed the gears with ease.

Excitedly, you took me places I had never been and I can’t even say where.

Once we stopped at Cuivre River and had a picnic lunch; a fairy tale to have all your attention and see the places you went to work each day.

Each trip ended the same way, with a trip to Riecher’s Station.

I’d get to choose some candy, like Kentucky Mints.

You’d have a bag of peanuts, the dancing peanut, with monocle and top hat, smiling at me.

There was always a fire truck in your life.

The days of Amanda were the best.

It was a tiny firehouse, there was a basement that seemed scary to me, but I think that’s where the sodas came from???  so it was worth the trip down there after all.

There was a wonderful heater upstairs.  I felt so cozy and warm in the cold, damp garage when that furnace would run.  Do I remember seeing the flames from a grill in the front?

Was there a metal plate in the concrete floor?  Through a small hole in that plate I think I could peek into the basement?  It was so long ago.

Then came the Mack, the bulldog Mack firetruck.  

I was jealous of that truck!  From my 9 year old perspective, it stole you from me every Sunday when you worked on the blueprints and plans.

But we got to ride first, mom made sure of that.

I remember being in the “new” firehouse with you, being charged with cleaning the truck windows.

Apparently my childhood Windex skills couldn’t measure up and you had to redo my work.

Guess what?  I still don’t use Windex.

I hope by now the fire department has discovered SPRAYWAY, World’s Best Glass Cleaner

And that 10 year-olds aren’t the best window washers. Ha ha!

It is fitting that I have a photo of you and Claire in your antique fire truck on my wall.

As time went on you were able to have your very own big red truck.

I recall two days distinctly,  when you drove and I rode along.

One day we drove in Washington.  To and from where I do not recall.

We spoke honestly and sincerely.

You expressed gratitude for me getting you started in “the business.”

You also expressed regret that you couldn’t have paid for my college.

Few things in life have brought me greater joy

than watching your quality of life improve as the business grew.

A child will ALWAYS seek the parent’s approval.

Simply hearing you acknowledge my efforts was wonderful.

I was happy to have made a difference.

As far as my college tuition,

Paying my own way made me who I am today.

Everything happens for a reason.

Each experience in life offers a lesson.

I learned discernment; the difference between  “want” and “need”

in those years when I wrote a check to MOHELA each month.

I was blessed to be able to write those checks and grateful I could do so.

Finally, there was the day we moved to Westwood.

You were supposed to wait at the house for Laclede Gas.

You ended up schlepping who knows how many loads for us in your big red truck;

the moving company underestimated the volume of our earthly possessions.

I rode with you.  

Your truck carried tons of cargo that day, but the heaviest load was my heart.

I had to be brave for my girls; in your truck I could cry as the quicksand of life shifted beneath me.

Life had thrown David and me a curve ball.

Everything we’d planned and worked for seemed null and void.  

Our daughters’ hearts were broken.

We were doing what we had to do, like it or not.

Moving into a neighborhood where we didn’t fit in,

Paying an obscene mortgage for a home we didn’t really like,

so that our beautiful, brilliant girls could make the most of their talents.

We’d do it again, no doubt.

But, the bright spot in that day came with you.

When the last box was off the truck, we took a rest.

Do you remember?

My beloved, crazy realtor stopped by with a 6 pack to say WELCOME TO LADUE!

We sat in the kitchen.  Surrounded by towers of boxes that contained our disheveled lives.

What did we do?  We got our priorities straight.

We found a bottle opener and cracked open some beers.

Then it seemed like life would go on, in our own way, on our own terms, in this foreign land.

We had so much work ahead, but

we took the time to celebrate the end of one way of life and the beginning of another.

I believe you were sitting on the only available “chair;”

a cooler holding the sadly random contents of our fridge.

We laughed among the chaos and disorder of our lives.

I was so glad you were there.

With your truck.

I wish I could ride again,

just the two of us in your truck.

That environment seems like sacred ground to me.

Safe and private, it seems to draw out the best of times.

Thank you for those times.

I love you!

I signed the letter and mailed it with no expectations.

Since I started my blog I've shared my history, struggles, triumphs and crazy "stuff" from the Universe.  Through my writing you've witnessed much of my "healing journey," and you know my eyes have been opened to much beyond this physical world.  You know I'm searching for a way to get back to that experience of Oneness I found in my near death experience; I'm walking paths I would have once deemed "for crazies only!"  One path led me to understand that our souls try to communicate with us through our dreams.  I figured this is a pretty important resource so I started journaling my dreams.  After studying with some amazing teachers, I've gotten pretty good at interpreting my own dreams and in my coaching practice, I am helping others interpret theirs as well.

The night I was sure my Dad received the letter, I had a dream.  I could only recall a tiny fragment of the dream, but it is said you recall what is important so I interpreted it as always. 

Here is my dream:

David (my husband) gave me a gift of a BEAUTIFUL necklace; like none I've ever seen.  It was a very modern choker made of layers of shiny, thick, silver links.  From the choker dropped an antique heart locket.  The locket had a beautiful, design engraved in it.  It came with a tiny piece of silver, also in the shape of a heart, with a lengthy serial number etched in it.  I don't recall the number but I do know "23" was part of the sequence of numbers.

This might seem inconsequential but this dream fragment is rich in valuable symbols:

David, my spouse, represents the aspect of me that is committed to wholeness. This is the part of me that knows the importance of aligning my conscious mind with my subconscious "essence" in order to fulfill my purpose in life. 

The necklace was a gift.   A gift that is received is some value that is not of my effort; it is some "natural talent" possessed when I came into this world.  I believe my gift is writing.

Jewelry is the value I hold in how I express myself to others.  The way I express myself to others makes a difference in my life and theirs.  The necklace was exquisitely beautiful; I place great value on the way I express myself to others.

Silver represents purity.  The expression was pure; in this case pure of heart!  My only desire in writing the poem was to create peace and perhaps joy.

Heart shape can represents many things: life, soul, the essence of a person, love compassion, caring.

Antiques are longstanding ideas which have great value.  Ideas of enduring value promote soul growth.  In a dream, an antique shows an understanding you possess that is valuable to your soul.  I believe the antique nature of the locket represents my understanding of the value of forgiveness.

Locket represents a long lasting relationship.  My relationship with my father is the second longest of my life.

Serial number is a unique means of identification.  I wish I could recall all the digits, but those of you who know me know that 23 is my "special number."

So what does this feedback mean?

I believe my soul is telling me that the poem I sent was a big step for me in my journey of forgiveness.  I'm aligning my conscious acts with my soul's purpose.  With pure intention, I used my writing skills to express love to my aging father in a unique way, with sentiment that only I am capable of conveying.  I know the value of forgiveness.

So I will continue looking for opportunities to forgive.  It feels good, it's getting easier for me with all this practice and besides, my soul approves!

Epilogue:

I finished writing this post this afternoon.  I thought maybe it didn't have as much "zing" as some of my other posts.  Insecurities set in and I thought maybe nobody would be interested in reading it.  I decided it wasn't worth posting and when my daughter invited me to see a movie with her, I said sure, why not?

We saw the film Carol.  Imagine my surprise when I saw, on Cate Blanchett's wrist, a bracelet that looked EXACTLY like the choker in my dream.  (Well the bracelet was gold, my choker was silver.)  I took this as a sign from the Universe that I needed to post what I'd written.  

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!

"YIPPEE"

Have you ever felt absolutely compelled to do something that was completely out of character?  Something so far out of your comfort zone you felt anxiety, yet in your heart center, there was complete calm and certainty?  If you followed your heart, how'd that turn out for you?  My guess is you're glad you did it and I hope you found that reaching, stepping beyond the boundaries you have set for yourself, was worth it.  Most of the time, I answer this question with "Yeah, I'm glad I did that!"  This is about a time, I answered "Oh HELL YEAH!  I'm SO glad I did that!!" and apparently, my invisible support team was glad I did it too.

I've been on a quest for nearly four years, trying to find a way to help others understand what I "learned" through my near death experience (NDE.)  I read countless books on psychology, spirituality, religion, mental illness and the process of recovering from trauma.  I began studying metaphysics, took a psychology class, started this blog, and took the Martha Beck Life Coach Training course.  I "graduated" from the 10 month course in July, with a handful of potential clients and began to wonder.....Now what?  How can I share what's been given to me?

Always looking for ways to continue my own healing process, earlier this summer, I contacted a support group I found on Meetup.  As mentioned in my last post, I was asked to lead the group.  Seeing that this could be an avenue to share, I accepted the "position" of group leader but not without reservation.  For one who generally attempts to fly under the radar, is uncomfortable being the center of attention and has absolutely no public speaking skills, this decision stirred up myriad feelings of inadequacy.  Oh my gosh!  What have I done?

I quickly busied myself with the logistics of procuring a meeting location, extending the membership of the group within Meetup (committed to SIX months!  Such an optimist!) and creating an agenda I hoped would steer us in a positive direction.  The morning of the meeting, I woke up resigned to the fact that I'd done all I could, the rest was in the hands of fate.

I've always been one to look at numbers.  Since I was a kid, even before my first DIGITAL (wooooah! dating myself here!) clock, I saw patterns in numbers and often thought "How cool is that?!"  My birthday is July 22.  Somehow the fact that I had two 2s made me feel special.  When I'd catch the clock at 12:34, that was "neat," or those special "repeaters" like 5:55?  As my daughter would say "Make a wish!"  There's always been something special about numbers for me but I didn't think much about it until after my NDE.  Now I pay close attention because I have learned they are big signs for me.

Back to the morning of the meeting.....  I got in my car to go to work and the odometer read 94,000 miles.  The fact that it was an even number, with ALL those zeros made me smile.  When I checked the numerology, how this number "boils down," it meant "stability" and all those zeros add power to the stability.  I thought "I am on solid ground here, I've got this under control."  That was comforting to me and I went on with my work day, preparing to be audited by Homeland Security.  (Does this seem funny to anybody else?)

A little back ground info: my number is 23.  When I am being supported "from beyond" I will see a 23 somewhere.  There is numerological significance to this number, but I will simply share two significant points of how this number has shown up in my life.  Remember, I didn't make this connection in any way, until 4 years ago.  

• A relationship of epic proportions in my life began on October 23; see my February 27, 2014 blog post for more details.  This would be 10/23.  
• My oldest daughter was born at 10:23 a.m.  She has been one of my best mirrors, challenging me to question many beliefs I've held for a lifetime.

So, as I worked over my Site Security Plan in Sauget all day, it was no surprise to me that I saw the 23rd minute of nearly every hour I worked in the office.  I am not a clock watcher by any means, it just happened that I would, in glancing, catch the sight of this number on my desk clock or in the corner of my computer screen.  Each time, I felt a sense of gratitude for whomever, whatever, was supporting me and telling me so.

I worked all day, drove home, grabbed a bite to eat, took a deep breath and got into my car to head to Chesterfield for the meeting.  I turn the key and the dashboard lit up.  I saw that the trip odometer read 123.0 miles.  I simultaneously laughed out loud and got tears in my eyes.  I texted David at 5:06, knowing he would appreciate the significance.

I drove to the library in Chesterfield and found a "Paddock Spot" in the parking lot.  While this term is gaining nationwide popularity, you may not be familiar with it.  (See my April 2014 blog post; the "inside joke" texted to me on Devil's Bridge in Sedona was a friend telling me about a Paddock Spot at the airport.)  My husband, David, is the Patron Saint of those who seek front row parking, especially when the lot is completely full.  Arriving at Sea World San Diego after the park is already open?  No problem, just pull right into the front row.  If we'd parked any closer, we'd have been in the tank with Shamu.  Going to the area's busiest mall on Christmas Eve?  We don't park a mile away or use valet service.  No, we just pull into the spot next to those reserved for handicapped parking, right by the door.  And so, it seemed fitting that when I arrived at the library for my meeting, I would park right next to the door; the closest spot, bar none.  At 5:32; I texted David, knowing he'd laugh.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.  I felt grateful for having made it this far on my journey. I asked for the grace and wisdom to be what these people need in their lives at this time.   I gathered my phone, my purse, my tote bag, my water bottle and I looked up, out the windshield, for the first time since I'd backed into the parking spot.  There, in front of me, was a personalized license plate, on the tiniest, bright, electric-blue car, right smack in front of me that read: "YIPPEE."  And then I knew it with every fiber in my body.  "I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, even though I have no idea what I'm doing."  With tears in my eyes, I texted Dave at 5:35 and went into the library.

The meeting went better than I could have ever possibly anticipated.  Twelve brave souls sat as compassionate witnesses to the others' suffering.  Twelve of us validated for one another, thoughts that the average person cannot comprehend.  There was no common denominator of gender, age, race, or even personality.  We were a mixed bag of a group, but by the end of the evening, everyone shared their "story" and I believe felt a sense of kinship that can only be formed by those who have walked through the same ring of fire.

After the meeting, driving home, I felt a sense of accomplishment.  I'd let go of any expectations of how the evening would go, I was present and did what seemed to come naturally and it was a success.  Everyone agreed this was worth doing on a routine basis.  I felt strong and confident.  I can do this!

I went to bed, feeling a strange mix of energy and exhaustion.  I woke up at 2:00 a.m. and could not get back to sleep.  This is not unusual for me; I often get by on 4 hours of sleep, so I decided to get up and do some writing.  Expecting to be up for the day, I was surprised when I suddenly felt exhausted again @ 4:30 a.m.  I did not want to wake David up, so I went to sleep on the couch.

I had a weird dream and woke up quite startled.  I was confused, in a very strange sort of "foggy" state.  Where am I??  Sitting up, I wondered about the time.  As I regained some semblance of consciousness, I wondered if Dave might be late for work.  Normally, I would run around frantically, making sure everyone was awake and getting the dogs out, etc.  Oddly, I just couldn't get up.  I had to put my head back on the pillow.  Then I closed my eyes and had a wonderful vision.  It was not a dream; I focused intently, trying to bring it into sharper focus.  Everything was black, with the exception of a "hole" in the center of my field of vision.  The hole seemed to be about the size of a quarter, but then it grew a bit.  At first I could see a kaleidoscope of colors; yellow and orange shapes swirling.  They were leaves.  Fall colored leaves, swirling and blowing.  Then I saw a tree branch, still within this hole.  The branch moved in a wind, the fall leaves moving and some blowing away, behind the black screen that obscured all but the viewing hole.  Then it was gone.  Poof.  Back to the same "stuff" I see when I close my eyes...just kinda "nothing."

I thought about this for a while, excited and amazed but still very "foggy."  As excited as I was, I fell back asleep and had two "normal" dreams before waking enough to actually get up and get things "going" in the household.  I realized then that all of this happened in under an hour.  Wow.

I have learned (from a master) the art of dream interpretation.  My dreams can be a report card or a treasure map for me.  The dreams I had that morning were a report card, filled with new and profoundly rich symbols telling me that I am gaining a conscious awareness of my soul's purpose for existence.  There's no doubt in my mind that my soul was reaching out in a BIG way, through these dreams, telling me I'm on the right path.

Even more significant for me, was the interpretation of that morning's vision.  This is what I believe the vision was telling me:

• The wind signified the movement of higher intelligence acting upon my mind through prana or energy.  This represents the thoughts that brought me peace as I saw all the "signs" leading up to my meeting.
• The autumn scene represented the completion of creation.  "The wisdom produced from previous life experiences and understandings; the culmination of maturity and the preparation for a new cycle of growth."  This (group work) is what I've been seeking, this is how I can put my "gifts" to use.
• The black screen, covering most of the "scene" tells me I am just getting a glimpse of what is to come.  More will be revealed to me if I keep working toward my goal.

I've long had the desire to share what I've been given.  Figuring out HOW to share has been the tricky part, mostly because it involved understanding MYSELF.  Four years ago, I had no idea who I was, but I've been finding pieces of my life puzzle along this crazy path and the picture is becoming clearer.  These signs, symbols, messages and visions "from beyond" are just part of my puzzle.  It's a sort of game and when I just play along, without struggle or expectation, it's fun and exciting!  YIPPEE!!!

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!

Post Script:

When I was writing this post, I wished for a photo to convey the sentiment of YIPPEE.  One hour later, at an estate sale, what are the odds I found this on the front door?

Thinking my life is magical!

Where the wind blows.......

I've recently returned from nearly two weeks in Okinawa, Japan.  Slowly but surely, my days and nights are realigning with my St. Louis, MO time zone but at 2:00 a.m., (4:00 p.m. in Okinawa) I woke up with the desire to post, for the first time in many months.

Nearly one year ago, on my 50th birthday, I signed up for the Martha Beck Life Coach Training program.  The Universe had been sending me all sorts of messages that I should help others with my, as Martha Beck puts it, "hell and back" story.  Her program seemed the perfect fit so I signed up, put my heart and soul into it and "graduated" Monday of this week.

A lot of things happened along the way.  Pushing the limits of my comfort zone on a weekly (if not daily!) basis, I learned a lot about myself.  Martha's program requires that we "live it to give it."  I dug deep and with the help of a small circle of Martha Beck cadet friends, gathering by conference call each Wednesday, I began to uncover beliefs that were standing between me and the life I want to live.  We "Wednesday Circle Ladies" practiced our skills on each other, working through the routine challenges of life and the deeper, emotional debris dredged up in the natural course of this life changing program.  Very special bonds were created within our little group over the 10 month course of this program.  We met face-to-face for the first time in California, at a Martha Beck Meet 'n Greet this May.  Here we are on the pier....Shell Beach, I think it was?

As I worked so hard to learn the tools, making time for class time, homework and practice while being a mom with a "career," I got stressed out.  I thought I wasn't getting enough practice, I was neglecting my family, I didn't "get" all the tools.  I need hours of work with paying clients in order to apply for certification; somehow, the people who used to randomly show up on my doorstep asking me to help solve their problems had stopped knocking.  How will I ever get certified?!  Then there is the whole "business" aspect that is foreign and frightening for me....client intake forms to be reviewed by an attorney?  LLC or Inc.?  Business banking, taxes, Paypal or Square? I don't know how to set up a website?!  Oh my gosh, how am I ever going to make this work?  I was really getting myself worked up.

The magic seemed to vanish.  The synchronicities and crazy experiences that pointed me in this direction in the first place had pretty much stopped.  Down on myself for not having all the answers, disappointed that I was not making as much progress as I wanted, my energy level plummeted.  Martha says our "work" should feel like play.  We should play until we're tired, and then rest until we feel like playing again.  Well, I KNEW this, but I have to be the over-achiever in all things!  Surely if I just worked a little harder, I'd find my clients and the business stuff would finally make sense to me.  So I kept pushing...and the Universe just pushed back.  I was swimming upstream.

Shortly after this picture was taken, one daughter came home from college and the other was wrapping up the school year with all of the year-end activities that entails; we took a much needed family vacation and summer kicked into high gear.   There was less time than ever to work on my new path in life.  I didn't "give up," but I realized I had the choice to either continue pursuing things in a frustrating manner or just accept what was at hand and enjoy the time with my family while I had the opportunity.  So, I sort of put my Martha class on the shelf.  I listened in on the conference calls from the beach house with a drink in my hand, or slept through them entirely while I was in Japan.  I wasn't able to finish my homework and I couldn't make the Wednesday calls anymore either.....and I finally stopped beating myself up about it.  I let it go.

When I left for Japan, I took absolutely nothing of "educational value."  I took a little book my daughter loaned me.  I read for fun, slept until I felt like getting up and played my days away, exploring what Japan had to offer me with no expectations whatsoever.  I gave no thought to the new "business" I am trying to create.  Then a funny thing happened.  Just as I'd experienced before this program began, when I was absolutely relaxed and had no expectations for the outcome to any situation, the magic started happening again.  

Some time ago, I'd reached out to the St. Louis Narcissistic Abuse Support Group, hoping to become a member.  A closed group, it requires a submission requesting membership.  I'd written a short summary of "my story" and submitted it but I hadn't received a response.  When I'd completely forgotten about the group, I received a message asking me if I'd like to lead the group.  While in Japan, I spent time conversing with the current group leader and it seems my desire to help others might be fulfilled in some ways with this group.  I didn't see THAT coming!

I keep a rolling list of ten things that I want in life.  One of the items on my current list is to restore every relationship to the best it can possibly be.  While in Japan, I received a Facebook friend request from my first childhood friend, Barb.  I've known her as long as I can remember; we grew up and went away to college together.  Our friendship fell apart with the pitfalls of being college roommates.  We parted ways in 1982.  I always felt a sense of responsibility for my immaturity that did not support our friendship.  When I received her friend request, I was excited to connect with her again, but I felt the need to apologize, very deeply and humbly, for the mistakes I'd made as a thoughtless teenager.  I sent a private message and it seems we've both been missing each other all these years.  Bygones are bygones and we are planning a reunion that will no doubt be filled with lots of laughter and probably some tears.  The restoration of this relationship has brought me great joy and is a blessing I could not have planned.  The Universe is helping me fulfill my desires, I just needed to relax and let "life take its course" without worrying about HOW I could make it happen.

Also on my list of "ten things" is to travel to exotic places.  Japan is exotic to me and I believe the Universe (working through David!) has filled another order for me.  On our last night in Okinawa, we had the pleasure of making friends with Takehiro and Miho, (pictured below, just before saying KANPAI! with our Orion beers.)  It was an unexpected introduction that led to wonderful discussions about our different-yet-the-same lives, cultures and love for each others' countries.  These remarkable connections seem to happen when least expected.  I can't make them happen or force them, they just come when I am relaxed and in the flow of life.

During our last days on Okinawa, there was a typhoon.  I love "bad" weather, so this was a treat for me.  The wind was really amazing, something I'd never experienced.  I got out and "played" in the wind with my umbrella; the wind tossing me around like a rag doll.  I went wherever it carried me, not sure where I'd end up.  Playing in the strong winds brought me sheer joy and uncontrollable laughter.  This is me throwing caution, literally, to the wind:

I think this is a metaphor for how I need to be living my life.  There's no sense in fighting life or trying to push my agenda.  I can just enjoy the ride, see where the wind blows me and trust that I will always be exactly where I need to be.

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!

Wake Up! There's a Reason You Can't Sleep!

John Mellencamp.......  I've been a fan since 1979 when he was John Cougar.  A freshman in high school, I bought his self-titled album with my babysitting money for the hit song, I Need a Lover.   Always one to take the path less traveled, the non-charting songs on the album quickly gained favor with me over the popular song getting airplay.  Maybe it was the old soul in me, but even at the age of 15, The Great Midwest felt truthful to me.

Well, I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth

So I can't talk about the big city hi-life

You wanna talk about bein' bored and runnin'

Away from yourself, hell, I can talk to you all night

And they call this the Great Midwest

Where livin' is just gettin' by

And people, they trade in their happiness

For a smokestack, a big money deal in the sky

John matured as an artist and I remained a big fan.  Through the years when he struggled to remain true to his essential self, the record companies trying to mold him into who they wanted him to be, he managed to impart soul-felt lyrics to the music that was demanded of him.  Scarecrow, admittedly one of my least favorite of his albums, still holds sacred space on my shelf for lyrics probably overlooked by the masses.  The song Minutes to Memories came to me as I meditated on putting my feelings into words for this post.

The old man kept talking 'bout his life and his times

He fell asleep with his head against the window

He said an honest man's pillow is his peace of mind

This world offers riches and riches will grow wings

I don't take stock in those uncertain things

"...an honest man's pillow is his peace of mind..."   As a much younger single woman, with my own apartment in "the big city," juggling boyfriends and trying to decide which dance club to hit on Saturday night, I sang these lyrics, never considering their meaning.....not even while lying awake in the week hours of the night as a chronic insomniac.

Life was going as it "should" for a 20-something in the '80's.  I'd worked hard for a challenging college degree, had a career in the field of my choice, was making good money, had my own apartment and was on my way to being married.  But meeting all the requisite "shoulds" for an "'80's lady" was about as far out of alignment as possible with my true Self.  Most nights, I was awake struggling to put my finger on what was troubling me.  In retrospect, it was my soul screaming YOU ARE ABOUT TO MARRY THE WRONG MAN!  My true soul mate, a "bad boy" with a devil-may-care approach to life had captured my heart but I couldn't imagine him in the future I'd carefully orchestrated in my mind. Since I couldn't understand what my heart was saying in those long, sleepless nights, my Higher Self took action and drastically changed the course of my life. (Looong story for another day....)   My plans were crushed and I was brought to my knees, humbled as never before.  Thank God for small favors....but I still hadn't learned to listen to my heart.

Decades passed and life unfolded with beauty I could not have foreseen.  The "bad boy" became my husband, our love growing stronger with the years.   My children....I couldn't ask for more than the two beautiful babies who have grown into amazing young women.  By all accounts my life was a dream and I was grateful for every moment with the beautiful family I'd been blessed with.  Still, I was an insomniac.  

I tried everything.  Going to bed at the same time every night.  No watching TV before bed.   Eliminating caffeine.  No exercising or eating before bed.  Keeping the bedroom cool and dark.  Melatonin.  Lunesta.  Ambien.  None of this worked for me.  I was operating in a state of sleep deprivation.  I couldn't focus, my memory was shot.  Simultaneously and not coincidentally, forces outside the boundaries of my happy little family were becoming unmanageable for me.  In 2010, an anxiety attack presenting symptoms of a heart attack got my attention very quickly.  

"...an honest man's pillow is his peace of mind..."   You can't sleep, the doctor mused.  Is something bothering you?  Are you worried about something?  Is something on your mind?  No, not especially.  Everybody has problems; I didn't see myself as extraordinarily burdened, I just couldn't sleep!  Yet, a few razor sharp questions, wielded as skillfully as a surgeon's scalpel, began to expose lies I'd been telling myself.  There were many things bothering me to a great extent but I'd buried my anger to keep "peace" in certain relationships.  Denying my emotions had created a giant ball of stress which was more than my body could handle.  It was reacting in a violent way to get my attention.  How in the world could I possibly control my stress level?!  These problems, insomnia included, seemed beyond my control.  I couldn't see that I'd created these problems all by myself.  I'd always had choices and I'd chosen to create a prison for myself constructed of "have to's" and "shoulds."

Aside: For those unfamiliar with my story, you may like to read previous posts, but here is a condensed version for purposes of this post.  In 2011, I reached a breaking point.  I was brutally honest with my father about my feelings and asked for changes to create a healthier environment for me and my children.  My husband, children and I were quickly disowned.  My mother professed in front of extended family, with the subtlety of a flame thrower, that I'd ruined her "entire life," that I needed a psychiatrist and a few other brutally honest insights she'd been harboring all of MY life.  I went into a literal state shock, had a near death experience and came back with a much clearer understanding of who I am.

Ever since my NDE, I sleep like a rock.  "...an honest man's pillow is his peace of mind..."  Now I understand.  There is no peace of mind when you disown your Self.   For 47 years I'd sought validation from everyone around me and society in general.  When I finally stood up for myself and honored my truth I found that pillow called peace of mind and sleep came naturally.  Insomnia was a thing of the past.

If I have a restless night now, I generally understand how I've sabotaged myself with too much caffeine or a poorly timed nap.  If I wake up in the middle of the night, I recall the rules for insomniacs...I "Don't look at the clock" and "Don't get up to play on the computer/phone" to kill the time, etc.  

So, on December 9th, I went to bed as usual.  After a busy and productive day, exhausted, I was asleep moments after my head hit the pillow.  My last thoughts were of my daughter's arrival for Christmas break, scheduled for the following morning.  In a matter of hours, the shuttle would arrive at her dorm and she'd start the 900 mile journey back home to Saint Louis.  Getting an early start on the east coast, I'd be picking her up from the airport at 9:30 a.m.

I woke up very early, tossing and turning.  I fought the urge for a long time but eventually checked the clock.  It was about  12:30 a.m.  This was odd, but I chalked it up to excitement about my daughter coming home.  I was awake for quite some time; my tricks for quieting the mind just weren't working.  Eventually I fell back to sleep.  

Again I awoke.  This was frustrating!  I needed to get my sleep so I could accomplish everything on the calendar PLUS get my daughter home from the airport.  I wanted to spend the day enjoying her company.  I lay in bed forcing myself not to look at the clock.  I had the thought that I should get up and text my daughter, tell her to be safe and have a great trip home.  No.  If I got on the phone, I'd surely be up all night......text her......  No.  I need to sleep........text her.......No, I must not do that.......text her......Oh, ALRIGHT!  I can't stand it, I WILL text her!  

I got up out of bed and grabbed my phone.  There was a text waiting for me.  Perhaps she'd texted to say she was packed and waiting in the dorm lobby?!  No.....the text wasn't from her.  It was from Southwest Airlines.  Her flight had been CANCELED!  Oh my gosh!  What time is it?!  2:33 a.m.  The shuttle would be arriving at her dorm in 27 minutes..... and she had no flight!

I called her, leaving a message asking if she knew her flight had been canceled.  Scrambling to my computer, I waited for what seemed an eternity for it to "wake up."   Eventually I was able to find a suitable flight, about an hour earlier than first planned but could she make it?  Finally, I reached her by phone.  The flight cancellation notification from Southwest had not come through to her....yes she could make the earlier flight.  I clicked to reserve the ticket and within minutes she was on the shuttle as though her plans had never changed.  All was right with the world!

There is no doubt in my mind that an extraordinary force woke me that morning and insisted I get my phone.  Was it my intuition?  My Guardian Angel?  Spirit Guides?  My Grandma who died 13 years ago that very day?  Someday I hope to be able to discern such things.  In any case, without that urging, my daughter may have spent the day the Philadelphia airport rather than surprising her sister at the high school for lunch.  I know she could have, and will no doubt one day have to work through hiccups like these on her own, but there's plenty of time for that.  As a mother, I just want to make life easier for my children and this opportunity to help my daughter was surely a gift.  I felt a sense of tremendous gratitude to whatever benevolent force intervened that morning.  I believe that gratitude contains facets of recognition and acknowledgement and I am happy to tip my hat to the Universe for its blessings here in my blog.

In the early days of my awakening, I had profound experiences.  They definitely got my attention and lead me to the seeker's path.  As I've grown in my spirituality, I recognize that there have always been day-to-day miracles I may have overlooked.  While I love those crazy experiences that prompt me to say "You're NEVER going to believe what happened to me!!," it is in recognizing the "ordinary miracles" that I can cultivate greater peace of mind on a daily basis.  These small reminders of the presence of the Divine in my life are gifts that encourage me to continue on my journey.  As I share my gifted experiences with you, I hope that you may, in turn, recognize your own gifts from the Divine.  I would be honored if you would share your gifted experiences in the comments section below.

Emmanuel means "God is with us."  During this Holiday season, I wish you endless blessings of peace, joy, and love and may you know that Emmanuel!

This post is dedicated to my sister-in-law, Jill, who is spending her fifth Christmas in Heaven.  She was the greatest Mellencamp fan and Christmas tree decorator who ever lived.  I'll have a Bloody Mary for you on Christmas, Jill!

Please forgive typos and grammatical errors.  This writing comes in a flow from the heart and I admit, I am not perfect!